When Your Wife Feels Unappreciated: How Stress, Silence, and Small Moments Shape a Marriage

Let’s begin with a riddle. How is it possible that a man insists he constantly tells his wife how much he appreciates her, shows it many times a day — yet his wife swears he doesn’t appreciate her at all?

The answer is because it’s not the facts that matter — it’s her feelings that matter! If she doesn’t feel appreciated, then in her reality, she isn’t. The husband may truly mean well, but he’s likely investing his efforts in the wrong places. It’s like pressing the gas pedal while the car is in neutral — lots of energy, but no movement forward. Let’s look at some moments when this emotional “test” often appears.

Moments of Pressure

When life brings stress or difficulty, a woman observes whether her husband still considers her feelings and puts her needs first. If he does — that’s when she knows he truly respects her. Our lives inevitably include moments of tension, disagreement, and frustration. For a woman, these are “truth tests” that reveal whether her husband’s affection is genuine or just surface-level.

Because it’s so hard to stay calm under pressure, the best strategy is to avoid those stressful triggers whenever possible. If Friday afternoons always end in tension, prepare for Shabbat on Thursday.
If you always argue before leaving the house, plan to leave earlier.
Every home has its stress points — and often, with small practical adjustments, they can be eliminated entirely.

Avoiding Situations of Stress

Jewish sages already taught that one should avoid situations that lead to spiritual or emotional struggle. The Ramchal (in Mesilat Yesharim, chapter 13) wrote that since it’s difficult to resist temptation when it’s right in front of you, a wise person keeps far from it. The Chazon Ish added that it is a moral obligation to stay away from situations that might lead to conflict — not only physical danger but also emotional or spiritual harm.

Throughout the Talmud and halacha, there are examples of enactments made precisely to prevent arguments at home — such as lighting Shabbat candles calmly, sharpening knives before Shabbat, and avoiding last-minute requests. Our sages wanted to teach that we must identify and preemptively neutralize situations that can lead to tension or conflict.

Behavior Under Pressure

Just as every car needs brakes, every person has an inner mechanism for self-restraint. The time to practice that skill is during conflict. As our sages said: “The world exists only because of those who restrain themselves during a quarrel.” (Chullin 89a) When a person manages to control anger in the heat of an argument — reminding himself that everything is from God and ultimately for the good, he upholds the very stability of the world. Such moments are not only tests of our relationship but also tests of faith — opportunities to live the spiritual values we profess.

Real spiritual tests aren’t always in the synagogue with a lulav or shofar — they happen in the small moments of daily life. As the Midrash (Shemot Rabbah 2:2) explains, God tested Moshe and David not through grand gestures, but in how they cared for their sheep — simple acts that revealed true character.

The Trials of Kings

Even kings face tests. Power can deceive a person into thinking he rules completely. In truth however, even the mightiest ruler must give an account to the King of Kings. This isn’t just about royalty, but anyone in a position of authority, even small ones: a supervisor, a synagogue official, or a head of household. When people forget that they, too, are accountable, they can easily slip into arrogance, harshness, or self-righteousness — even within their own homes.

The Pele Yoetz wrote: “A man must never become angry with his household over anything. The way he treats his wife and children is the way Heaven will treat him.”

A Modern Illustration

A psychological evaluator from an officer’s course in the army once shared that soldiers go through grueling drills in the morning, thinking that’s when they’re being tested. In fact, they are filmed only at lunchtime — when they are tired, hungry, and unaware.
The evaluators study how they behave: do they share food and show teamwork, or act selfishly? Similarly, in life, our true tests come in our weakest, most pressured moments — not when all is calm.

On Shabbat, for example, the real test may not be how we sing zemirot, but how we behave under the time pressure that comes before candlelighting.

After the Storm

After tension passes, we must follow God’s example — to be compassionate, forgiving, and ready to start anew. Let go of grudges; they only keep us stuck in negativity. Men, in particular, can often let go faster, and they should use that strength to bring peace back into the home.

There will be moments when everything feels dark and hopeless — in faith, in marriage, and in life. But just as in faith we rely on the clear moments when we have felt God’s presence, so too in marriage we must remember the times of closeness and love.
Hold onto those memories as anchors, trusting that with God’s help, the wave will pass, and light and love will return.

Adapted from the writings of Rabbi Dan Tiomkin, author of “Makom She’Ba’alei Teshuva Omdim” (Where Those Who Return Stand).