Rabbi, How Do You Handle Stress in Marriage?

Let's start this article with a riddle: How is it possible for a husband to claim he's constantly telling his wife how much he appreciates her, showing it several times a day, yet the wife would swear her husband doesn’t appreciate her at all?

The answer is simple: it's not reality that determines the feeling, but the wife's perception that counts. And she feels she is not appreciated. Regarding the husband's claims, he probably isn’t investing in the right places, so where he does invest, it's just not enough to convince her... it's like "flooring the gas pedal in neutral." There are scenarios where the wife tests if her husband's words are truly sincere. Let's explore some of these situations.

Stress Situations

When trials occur, the wife tests if her husband is considerate, even at his own expense - and if he acts this way, it proves to her that he truly respects her. Life is full of situations that sometimes lead to friction and stress. For the wife, these situations are like a test to see if at other times we're just pretending, or if we genuinely value and respect her, as this is where a person's true colors show (as explained in Eruvin 62b).

Because it's genuinely difficult to manage stress situations, we need to do our utmost to try to avoid them. Stressed on Shabbat eve? Prepare for Shabbat by Thursday. Always argue when running late? Leave two hours earlier. Everyone should examine which home situations bring stress, and you might be surprised at how easily you can technically remove these unnecessary stressors from life. Life presents enough unexpected challenges; there's no need to create additional ones if you can avoid them.

The Obligation to Avoid Stress Situations

The ancients already advised avoiding stress situations, as described in the writings of Ramchal (Mesilat Yesharim, Chapter 13): since when engaged in sinful matters it is difficult to overcome them, one should therefore remain distant from them as long as possible, thus making it harder for temptation to approach (end of quote). Similarly, Rabbi Yisrael Meir Kagan, the Chazon Ish, wrote (see Emunah u’Bitachon Chapter 4, Seg. 9) that it is a moral duty not to enter a place likely to bring temptation, such as the Talmudic saying (Shabbat 32a) that a person should not stand in a dangerous place. If this is true for physical danger, how much more so for spiritual danger. In matters of propriety, the same is true.

Indeed, we find in our sages’ teachings certain enactments designed to prevent potential quarrels [see Gittin 26b, and Shulchan Aruch, Orach Chaim, Siman 263:3 regarding candle lighting for Shabbat, Siman 250:5 about sharpening a knife, and Siman 272:2 about questions in peaceful manners]. Our wise men found it appropriate to establish these for all generations, perhaps to remind us to carefully consider which situations are prone to pressure and conflict, and prepare accordingly to prevent this severe test.

Conduct During Stress Situations

A person has the ability to stop. Just as every car has brakes to halt at the right time, so too does a person have the power to hold back when needed. As we must learn to control our driving forces, so too must we learn to control our braking forces. The time we're given to practice activating this power is during arguments, of which it is said (Hullin 89): the world exists only for those who restrain themselves during a quarrel, as it’s written (Job 26:7): "He suspends the earth over nothing." The one who can, even in the heat of an argument, suppress the anger overtaking them until the rage passes, reminding themselves that everything is divinely supervised and for the best, thus managing to restrain, is what sustains the world! Therefore, it’s incumbent on everyone to pray wholeheartedly to the Creator of the world for the strength not to destroy but to calm and do everything possible not to let situations escalate, as the damage in any quarrel is immense.

Stress situations can also be seen as a test not only regarding the wife, but also regarding Hashem – to what extent we succeed in applying the lofty spiritual values we discuss. Each trial is a real "pop quiz" in faith. We tend to think that shaking the lulav or closing our eyes during the shofar blast is where our main test lies, but the truth is, the real tests are in how we behave during small moments. A bit of support for this notion is found in the Midrash (Shemot Rabbah 2:2) on the verse (Psalms 11:5): "Hashem examines the righteous" – He tested Moses and David with sheep, and their acts of compassion testified to and elevated our great leaders.

Trials of Kings

Even kings have trials. A king might be tempted to believe that he possesses ultimate power and authority, that his word alone governs. At first glance, this belief seems difficult for ordinary people to hold, as reality constantly corrects them with situations illustrating their limitations. In contrast, only kings are prone to this error, as they are not accountable to humans; indeed, many kings fell into this trap, some even elevating themselves to deification (with Pharaoh at the forefront). Distinctly, Israelite kings have a special commandment against developing arrogance, to remember that even they don’t possess absolute freedom and one day will account before the King of Kings for every action taken, and these matters are plain and evident.

How is this relevant to us? A deep look reveals that you don't need to be a king to make this mistake. Many people who reach positions of authority and leadership, even in a narrow field (say an army sergeant, or differently, a synagogue warden), can fall into this trap. Although in their minds they understand they're not really in control, this knowledge hasn't permeated deeper levels, and their behavior reflects this misconception. Inside their imagined kingdom, they feel entitled to behave brusquely, instill fear, as if accountable to no one. At home, one might easily adopt disgraceful behaviors (demanding, childish, selfish, or intimidating) due to a tendency to forget that even at home we're not truly free to act at whim, but rather we are most certainly evaluated there.

In the book Pele Yoetz (section on Eating and Drinking), it is lengthily discussed that one should not be overly strict with family members, ending with the notion that as a man conducts with his wife and household, so he is judged from heaven. Delve deep into this, and let go of your grievances, for more than your wife and servants owe you respect, you owe respect and service to your Creator, end quote from Pele Yoetz.

Illustrating the Point

The importance of coping during such times can be illustrated from what I heard about the psychological evaluation course in the army’s officer training program. There, soldiers undergo exhausting fitness drills all morning, thinking they’re being evaluated. In the afternoon, when hungry, they’re divided into groups and given food portions. What the soldiers haven’t realized is that this is when they’re filmed, and expert psychologists scrutinize every move – whether they cared for their fellows and demonstrated responsibility in managing and dividing food, or kept to themselves. The soldiers didn’t know that their morning runs and arduous exercises went unnoticed by the assessment team, and it was precisely the meal time that was under close observation. I thought perhaps the main test for us is in times of stress, and, for example, for Shabbat, the test is not how we delight it (though that counts, and Hashem’s measure is unlike that of humans), but the main challenge is handling the time pressure of its arrival.

Behavior After Stress Situations

It’s worth emphasizing that after emerging from a stressful situation, one should follow Hashem's ways, which are merciful and forgiving, to let go of past grievances that are usually an illusion preventing positive growth, leading us to remain bogged down in a mire of unpleasantness that is entirely imaginary. One must remember that men were not created from the rib, and thus it’s relatively easier for us compared to women. This approach is valid not only in showing leniency with the spouse, but also with oneself, as discussed in previous chapters.

Even during those moments of argument where everything seems bleak and hopeless, understand that similar moments of confusion occur in faith, and the wisdom lies in relying on the moments of clarity previously experienced, those moments where we saw the circles close, sensed Hashem’s personal supervision over us – those are the moments to preserve and navigate by those insights and clarity experienced then – even when it’s dark inside – and likewise, in marriage: even during a crisis, remember the peaks we can reach together and trust that with Hashem’s help, this wave will pass, and we can continue with love – without losing sense every time there is a bit of darkness.

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