Honoring Your Wife in Every Season: Jewish Wisdom on Respect, Family, and Holiday Joy

Chava was cursed with the pain of pregnancy and labor — and while women bear that pain directly, men are certainly affected by its “aftershocks.”

Pregnancy is not only about added weight; every system in a woman's body changes — hormones, emotions, and anxieties shift dramatically. The husband’s role is to be there for her — to listen, to support, and to show patience and compassion, even when her behavior feels unpredictable. We cannot carry her belly, but we can carry her burden.

After Birth — A Time for Real Support

After childbirth, physical exhaustion is immense. The Sages described it vividly: “All her limbs are loosened, and her blood is depleted and does not return for twenty-four months” (Taz, Yoreh De’ah 184:10, citing Rashi). Add to this the emotional rollercoaster, and she becomes truly dependent on help.

While a typical young man may receive practical support from extended family, a ba’alat teshuvah (newly observant woman) often has no such network and relies completely on her husband. If at this vulnerable stage he turns away — imagining that involvement would “distract” him from spiritual pursuits, he sends a devastating message that can be extremely hurtful.

The damage to their relationship will cost far more time and effort later — in arguments, hurt feelings, and the long process of rebuilding lost trust, than it would have taken to simply be present and supportive when it mattered most.

Recovery Between Births

It’s important to note that great Torah leaders in recent generations have permitted, under proper guidance, the use of methods that allow a woman to recover between births — given the weakness of our times and the emotional strain many families face.

Unfortunately, some ba’alei teshuvah are reluctant to seek rabbinic advice, preferring to appear “righteous at her expense.” The result is often a household under chronic pressure, where neither parent can function fully. Every case must, of course, be presented to a competent halachic authority, but responsible consultation is itself an act of holiness.

The Challenge of the Mother-in-Law

Another sensitive issue is the relationship between a woman and her mother-in-law.

The Sages noted that certain pairs of women naturally tend toward tension, and one classic example is that of a woman and her mother-in-law. This even has halachic implications: two unrelated women may not be secluded together, but a woman and her mother-in-law may, because mutual hostility removes the concern for sin (Kiddushin 80b).

Even if a man believes his wife and mother “get along perfectly,” he should know that, according to the Sages, the underlying dynamic remains.

Because of this, it is common for a wife to complain to her husband about his mother. The husband then faces a delicate test: if he defends his mother, he violates the principle of honoring his wife above all others. The moment he prioritizes his mother’s perspective over his wife’s feelings, she will feel deeply disrespected — a wound that easily grows into resentment. Yet he also feels pain hearing criticism of his mother. What should he do?

How to Respond in Times of Tension

The correct response is simple but not easy: listen patiently. Allow your wife to express everything on her mind, without interruption or defense. When she’s done, validate her feelings and let her know that she’s right to feel as she does.

This doesn’t mean you agree with every detail; it means you honor her emotions. Usually, she doesn’t want to sever ties with your mother — she simply wants to feel that you understand her struggle. Once she senses that empathy, the tension will dissolve on its own.

Trying to justify your mother, on the other hand, will only deepen her hurt and prolong the argument. Worse, if the dispute escalates and reaches the parents’ ears, you will have caused them far more anguish than if you had simply listened in the first place. True honor to one’s parents comes through maintaining peace and showing your wife that she comes first.

Holidays — Honoring the Torah’s Command to Rejoice

The holidays offer another opportunity to demonstrate love and respect. The Torah commands: “You shall rejoice on your festival” (Devarim 16:14).

This mitzvah applies on the three pilgrimage festivals of Passover, Shavuot, and Sukkot — and, according to halacha, also on Rosh Hashanah. Beyond the general obligation to be joyful, there are specific halachic expressions of joy.

For a woman, the Sages defined this as her husband buying her a new garment or piece of jewelry before the festival (Shulchan Aruch, Orach Chaim 529:2). Even someone of limited means must at least buy her new shoes (Mishnah Berurah). Without this, the mitzvah is not fully fulfilled, no matter how cheerful the holiday atmosphere may be.

Many women, busy with preparations or sensitive to family finances, forgo this gift. Yet the Torah’s insight is timeless: a new garment uplifts the spirit. It reaches deep emotional layers and renews her joy in the home and the holiday. Therefore, a wise husband finds ways — gently and wisely, to ensure she receives that gift. It’s a small expense for an immeasurable reward.

Holiday Travel and Comfort

Another area worth rethinking is holiday travel. It is puzzling to see families squeezed into overcrowded buses to the Western Wall or other holy sites, all while exhausted and frustrated.

The halacha states clearly that holiday expenses are reimbursed from Heaven: “Spend for the honor of the festival, and God will repay you” (Beitzah 16a; Shulchan Aruch 529:1). Thus, even one who is frugal all year should not cut corners during the holidays. Taking a taxi or renting a car to avoid stress is not indulgence — it’s part of the mitzvah of joy.

Passover — Between Cleanliness and Peace

Passover brings its own challenges. The abundance of chumrot (stringencies) and customs often turns homes into zones of tension. We must separate halacha from habit, focusing on bi’ur chametz — removing leaven, rather than cleaning window blinds or repainting walls (unless one truly has spare time).

As the classic saying goes: “Dust is not chametz, and your wife is not the Passover offering.” The goal is freedom — not exhaustion. True preparation for Chag HaCherut means ensuring our wives and children actually look forward to the festival.

And one last, often overlooked, piece of advice: make sure both children and adults get some sleep before the Seder. Everyone knows to put the kids to bed early, but a wise husband also helps his wife rest, so she won’t collapse halfway through Leil HaSeder. Sometimes, the greatest act of spiritual preparation is simply ensuring peace, calm, and rest at home.