In Times of Change: Key Insights for New Beginnings and Holidays

Another critical period when a woman assesses whether her husband truly respects her is during pregnancy and childbirth. As we know, Eve was cursed with the pain of pregnancy and childbirth, and not only do women suffer this curse, but we men feel echoes and fragments of it as well. It's impossible to summarize the changes she undergoes (during pregnancy and after birth) solely by weight gain—her entire body changes systems: hormones, anxieties, she becomes almost like a different person. The husband has an obligation to be there for her. While we can’t literally carry her belly, we are at least obligated to stand by her side, listen, support, exercise maximum patience, and avoid conflicts—even when her behavior is unstable.

Special attention is required after childbirth. Her exhaustion from the pain of childbirth is so severe that our Sages describe it as if all her limbs disassemble and her blood leaves her and doesn’t fully return for twenty-four months, along with sudden mood changes making her severely in need of help. While a typical man can rely heavily on family, a woman who has returned to faith is entirely dependent on her husband. If at this stage her husband turns away from her—thinking it might hinder his plan to become holier with Hashem—it reveals to her that he doesn't truly love, respect, or understand her, and their future marital harmony will reflect that. He will lose a lot of time in quarrels, much more than the time he would have invested when truly needed, and a lot of time gaining back the trust that was shattered.

Recovery Between Births

It's also important to mention that the great Sages often exercised sanction—due to the weakening of generations—allowing women time to recover between births. Yet, many returnees to faith find it easy to be righteous at her expense and refrain from consulting a rabbinical authority to discuss the full situation, placing themselves and their families in a nonfunctional or constantly stressed state. [This example was chosen despite its complexity because a prominent Sage initiated the discussion on the problem. It's crucial to consult a rabbi in each instance. See the book 'To Know Your Way in the Land' Chapter Nineteen].

The Mother-in-Law

Another painful topic where many stumble is the relationship with the mother-in-law.

Our Sages teach us that some women are notorious for disliking one another. Even if they appear to love each other, there is tension—especially between a woman and her mother-in-law. This has halachic implications, wherein two regular women should not be secluded together, but a woman and her mother-in-law can be. Even if one thinks their wife and mother get along well, they should know a stranger can be secluded with them, indicating they fall under the rule taught by our Sages.

Often, the wife complains to the husband about his mother's behavior, placing the husband in a delicate situation: if he justifies his mother or tries to explain her actions, he denies the fundamental principle of respecting his wife, not putting her first, and instead prioritizing someone she has tension with! This proves to her that her husband doesn't respect or understand her, opening the door to long, exhausting disputes. But how can he endure hearing about his mother's disgrace?

Handling Conflicts

We must know that in these situations, our sole responsibility is to listen patiently to our wife until she unloads everything on her mind, and then simply tell her she's right. Even though it pains him to hear his mother talked about that way, understanding deeply will reveal that it's the only possible path: the wife does not wish to cut off relationships with her mother-in-law or make other actions regarding it. She is well aware it's her family, and that's that. All she wants is for her husband to be aware of her struggles; once he does, these issues won’t bother her as much. Any attempt by the husband to justify his mom only proves the opposite and makes her repeat her complaints louder and more intensely.

If he insists on justifying his parents, leading to intensified fights that reach their ears, they will undoubtedly feel deep distress—not soothed knowing that the fight was about them—and it will harm his parents’ honor much more than the golden path—to listen and agree, ensuring peace and showing the wife he's made her his priority.

Holidays: Do Women Still Need a New Outfit?

Another chance to show a woman how much she’s valued is during holidays. One of the commandments in the Torah is the commandment to "rejoice on your festival." This commandment applies during the three pilgrimage festivals (Shulchan Aruch, Orach Chaim, Section 569) and even on Rosh Hashanah (Mishna Berura, beginning of Section 597), and everyone is obliged. Besides the general obligation to strive for happiness during the holiday, this commandment has specific guidelines that must be fulfilled to properly observe it.

One of these guidelines is to bring joy to the wife, or as our Sages term it - a husband brings joy to his wife. This is done by buying her new clothing or jewelry before the holiday (again: Passover, Sukkot, Shavuot, and Rosh Hashanah). And so it is ruled in the Shulchan Aruch (Orach Chaim, 529:2): How does one bring them joy? For the women, he buys clothing and jewelry according to his means. And if his financial situation is tight, he is still not exempt from this duty and is obligated to buy her at least new shoes (Be'ur Halacha there, s.v. according to his means). If one doesn’t buy this gift for the wife, he has not fulfilled the commandment even if he does manage to bring her joy during the holiday.

Many women are lenient and waive their gifts. Some are too occupied with holiday preparations to go out and choose a new outfit, while others are aware of the bank balance and wish to save.

It’s important to understand that if the Torah establishes this obligation, its impact indeed matters, affecting the deeper layers in a woman by truthfully making her happy with a new holiday outfit. It's a shame to overlook this, and it's worthwhile to invest every cent for this honor, despite wanting to save and the lack of time during preparations. Thus, everyone should find wise ways to ensure their wife receives her holiday gift, and a wise person has foresight.

Holidays: Travel and Transportation

Furthermore, I'm always amazed at the bus load during holidays, especially in places like the Western Wall, with entire families waiting in the heat for a full and overcrowded bus. It's known that holiday expenses are fully reimbursed, so one should not limit holiday expenses (Shulchan Aruch, ibid, 1:1, and if one adds—more is added to them, Mishna Berura citing the Talmud in Beitzah 15). Therefore, even if one doesn’t regularly take taxis or rent a car throughout the year, during the holiday, there’s a mitzvah to rejoice and bring joy, and certainly, the meager savings don’t justify the stress and anguish during the family holiday experience.

Passover

A final point, unique to Passover: the multitude of stringencies and customs during Passover cause many homes to brim with tension and fights. We must sort through the significant confusion between law and stringencies, focus on removing chametz and not cleaning unrelated areas like window shutters and painting walls (unless there’s spare time, which in that case, go ahead), as it’s known, dust isn’t chametz, and the woman isn’t the Passover offering. We should prepare for the Festival of Freedom so that truly we, our wives, and our children eagerly await and yearn for its arrival.

[And by the way, a crucial and important part of preparing for Passover is ensuring to sleep the night before Seder to avoid being exhausted and stressed out. Everyone knows and is careful to put the kids to bed, but it's equally important to ensure that adults get sleep on Passover eve, and every wise husband should gently ensure his wife can sleep so she won’t collapse in the middle of the Seder night!].

To purchase Rabbi Dan Tiomkin's books 'Where Returnees Stand', click here.