Navigating Lashon Hara and Responsibility in Matchmaking

"Did you hear? Sharon went on a date with Michael and she told me they got on amazingly well!"

Your heart sinks. You happen to know something about Michael that most people don't — something that would probably cause Sharon to break it off if she found out.

What should you do?

Lashon Hara and Matchmaking: A Torah Perspective

Speaking lashon hara is a serious Torah prohibition which can involve either revealing disparaging information about someone, or creating pure fabrications which cause harm. Depending on the circumstances, as many as 31 separate violations can be involved in a single utterance.

Lashon hara is such a serious aveirah (sin) that people who habitually indulge in it are deemed unworthy of experiencing the Divine Presence during the Messianic era, as the Talmud states: "Four groups do not receive the Divine Presence – the group of scoffers, the group of liars, the group of flatterers, and the group of gossipers."

However, when it comes to matchmaking, there are instances when sharing details about another person is not only permissible but actually obligatory. Failing to do so may violate the commandment, "Do not stand by the blood of your neighbor." When potential harm can be prevented, it's crucial to convey relevant information, while adhering to the five conditions set by the Chofetz Chaim.

The Five Conditions to be Met before Lashon Hara is Spoken

Ensure Accuracy: Confirm that the facts are correct. The Chofetz Chaim cautions against interpreting the information in the worst possible manner without thoroughly investigating the issue and separating fact from rumor or conjecture.

Avoid Exaggerations: "Do not magnify the matter negatively more than it is," writes the Chofetz Chaim. Communicate the issue clearly, without implications or over-dramatization whether via tone of voice, exlamations such as "wow," or facial expressions that imply negativity.

Maintain Pure Intentions: The goal should be to genuinely benefit the inquirer and address potential harm. If you have any personal feeling in the matter, it may be best to get someone else with no personal stake to convey the information, to ensure that your personal bias does not inadvertently come across and magnify the issue unjustly.

Minimum Necessary Disclosure: Use the least amount of detail to achieve the necessary outcome. If a match can be prevented through minimal information, avoid reporting anything beyond that. Once the match has been broken off, no more information may be shared.

Preventing Additional Harm: The Chofetz Chaim stresses that sharing negative information should not lead to greater harm than the situation warrants. If the person involved might face undue repercussions, further disclosure should be avoided. If there’s a risk of gossip spreading and causing harm beyond the immediate context, it's better to refrain from disclosing the information. In such cases, where a serious issue is concerned, one should consult with a rabbi experienced in such matters on how to proceed.

Disclosing Sensitive Information in Matchmaking

The Chofetz Chaim offers important guidance regarding sensitive inquiries in matchmaking:

State the Intent: If you are seeking information, be transparent and clearly indicate why. Otherwise, you may inadvertently tempt the other person into speaking forbidden lashon hara, in which case you would be violation the prohibition of, "Before a blind person, do not place a stumbling block."

Select Neutral Sources: Avoid asking people who might harbor negative feelings towards the individual in question, as their responses may be biased.

Address Serious Issues: When significant concerns such as bad character traits or health issues (including genetic problems) are concerned, these must always be disclosed. However, one must first ascertain the precise nature of the issue. If the disorder or problem is minor, there may not be an obligation to reveal it right away and one should consulting with a rabbi to determine the timing and manner of disclosure.

Preventing a match either through unnecessary negative talk that is misplaced or maintaining inappropriate silence can have serious implications. Therefore, when in doubt, it's essential to consult with a rabbi experienced in these matters to ensure one's actions align with Torah principles.