Essential Guidelines for Relating to Parents Who Are Not Observant

One of the most difficult and challenging aspects of drawing closer to the Torah and mitzvot is often the reaction of those closest to us, especially our parents. In extreme cases, it is better for observant children to distance themselves from parents who are openly hostile to the Torah and mitzvot, but in most cases, an accommodation can be reached and children should pray that their actions should draw their parents closer to the source of truth.

Following are guidelines for how to relate to non-religious parents in a variety of common scenarios, derived from the rulings of Rabbi Ovadia Yosef ztz"l.

A. The mitzvah of kibbud av va'eim (honoring one's father and mother) applies even when parents are strict, burdensome, or cause distress to their children with various demands, especially in their old age. This is true even if parents insult their children, have poor character traits, behave oddly, or do not act respectably. Even if everyone agrees that the children are justified in not honoring such parents, the children must still honor them according to the halachah (Jewish law) and respect them, and refrain from doing anything that could cause them embarrassment. However, if the parents' behavior is unbearable (for instance, if they have appalling character traits or are heavy drinkers), the children may distance themselves and not visit, even if this means they are unable to honor them.

B. If a parent and child are constantly arguing and getting angry with one another, it is better that they live apart.

C. Even if the parents are wicked or publicly desecrate Shabbat, the children must still respect them in the hope that this will inspire their parents to mend their ways. There are cases where if a parent is immersed in a sinful lifestyle, the children are not obligated to honor them, but in most cases the obligation still holds. However, the grandchildren of such grandparents should spend as little time as possible with them, as they will exert a negative influence.

D. All of the above applies when the parents do not interfere with their children who have found the truth and returned to their roots, and respect them for their bravery and determination, or at the very least remain indifferent. However, if parents are hostile toward their children's Torah observance and intolerant of Torah observance in general, they are considered heretics who should not be honored. In such cases, if possible, the child should move to a different city and cut himself off from the parents.

E. Children are not obligated to honor or respect a parent who has converted to another religion. However, they should not insult or curse them.

F. If an elder sibling is wicked and sinful, there is no obligation to honor them.

G. Someone who publicly desecrates Shabbat, and certainly a Reform or Conservative Jew, is not included in the quorum of three for reciting Birkat Hamazon (Grace after Meals). If making this exclusion obvious will cause friction, a child may begin to recite the Birkat Hamazon alone, pretending to have forgotten about a quorum.

H. Wine or grape juice that has been handled by a Jew who publicly desecrates Shabbat is no longer fit for consumption (once the bottle's seal is broken), unless the wine or juice has been heat-treated or pasteurized. If an observant Jew is staying with a non-observant parent on Shabbat, the parent may recite Kiddush over the wine or juice, but if it is not pasteurized, the child should not taste it and should make some excuse to avoid drinking, if at all possible. If this will cause friction, the child may rely on a minority halachic opinion and sip a tiny amount.

I. If a non-observant parent is visiting an observant child in his home, the child may serve the parent food and drink as long as he tries, in a pleasant way, to encourage them to recite the appropriate brachot (blessings). Even if the parents refuse to comply, he may still serve them. If possible, he can recite the brachot himself and ask his parents to answer Amen and intend to fulfill the brachot via him. 

J. If an observant child is staying with non-observant parents during Pesach, he should ideally set aside all chametz before the festival begins and place it somewhere inaccessible. According to many halachic opinions, the child may sell the chametz on the parents' behalf even without informing them, although it is better to inform them.

K. If a non-observant father tells his son to buy him a secular newspaper or buy non-kosher food, the son should avoid complying. A child should not assist or enable his parents to commit any transgression, regardless of whether the parents are totally secular. 

L. If a parent requests an alcoholic drink and the child has reason to fear that the parent will become drunk, he should politely refuse. 

M. If a parent asks a child for anything (such as food or drink) that could harm him, the child should not comply. 

N. If a parent tells his son not to smoke, it is commendable for the son to comply, although he is not obligated to, as it does not directly concern the parent. Certainly he should not smoke in his parents' presence.

O. If honoring parents leads to a transgression, even a Rabbinic one, the mitzvah to honor them should not be fulfilled.