Teaching Respect, Building Connection: A Torah Guide to Parenting

There are two Torah verses that describe how we must relate to our parents:

• “Honor your father and your mother” (Shemot 20:12, in the Ten Commandments)
• “Every person shall revere his mother and his father” (Vayikra 19:3)

The Talmud tells us that since the father is mentioned first regarding honor and the mother regarding reverence, they are to be equally honored and revered.

There are many aspects to observing these mitzvot, and following are some important and fascinating details.

Halachic Obligations

According to the basic halachah, children are required to stand up in their parents’ honor when they enter a room. They may not sit in their parents’ seat. A child may not contradict his parents, nor corroborate their words (“Yes, my father is right...”). Children may not address their parents or refer to them using their first name.

When a parent requests, children must provide them with all their basic needs (food, drink, clothing etc.) at the parents’ expense.

Should a Parent Insist on Being Honored?

Parents are free to tell their children that they need not stand up in their honor, or that they may sit in their chair, and so forth. However, it may not be in a child’s best interest to be “liberated” from this burden of respect.

The Torah’s laws are designed to optimize all relationships — both those between Hashem and us, and those between people. When we accustom our children to treating their parents with respect, this will stand them in good stead for their entire lives, aside from the main consideration — that each time they perform an act of respect for their parents, they gain a mitzvah, and not just “any old” mitzvah but one that features in the Ten Commandments. Their reward will certainly be great.

Furthermore, when children are used to revering their parents, they are far less likely to transgress by, for example, treating a parent with contempt. While a parent can forego demonstrations of respect and reverence, parents are not at liberty to permit their children to treat them with disrespect.

Taking the Child’s Nature into Account

However, parents should always take the circumstances and natures of their children into account and not press a child beyond his level of tolerance. It is preferable for a parent not to make too many demands of his children as this could cause resentment in the event the children comply, or rebellion if they do not, and both of these outcomes are worse than the parent deciding to forego his honor.

(From the child’s perspective, if a parent asks him for something that is hard to comply with, and he nonetheless does comply out of love for the parent and desire to fulfill the mitzvah, his reward is very great.)

If a parent is uncertain whether his child will heed his request, he should not give direct orders such as, “Do this or that for me,” but should rather make a suggestion without implying any obligation — for example, “If you would like to do this or that for me, I would be very pleased.”

Pele Yoetz is a book of ethical teachings, published in 1824 and authored by Rabbi Eliezer Papo, a Torah leader who lived in what was then the Ottoman Empire. In this book, he writes:

“According to the child’s disposition and character, a parent should conduct himself in a way that the child will not sin. And if he does sin, the parent should quickly forgive him, so the child is not punished because of him.”

‘Spare the Rod and Spoil the Child’ ?

The Torah (in Mishlei—Proverbs) states that a parent who “spares the rod, hates his child.” Refraining from disciplining a child is a sign that one does not have the child’s best interests at heart but prefers an “easy life” of allowing a child to do as he pleases, regardless of the impact this has on his development.

There are times when corporal punishment is in order. However, the Torah stresses that a parent may never strike a child in anger. If a child speaks disrespectfully to a parent, or tells a lie, a small slap may be given and it should be made clear that such behavior is unacceptable. A child who is behaving recklessly or dangerously may be given a slap if this will avert the danger and teach him that he must not act in such a way.

In other cases of disobedience or misbehavior, a look of disapproval or withholding of a treat is quite enough for the purposes of discipline and education.

Disciplining an Older Child

All this applies to young children, but the Torah is clear that striking an older child is not just unwise — it is actually forbidden, due to the possibility that the child will strike back and thereby commit a serious transgression.

This we learn from the Torah verse, “You shall not place a stumbling block before the blind.” If a person is “blinded” by his emotions, he may act irrationally and later regret it. This certainly applies to a child who is not yet in full control of himself but is old enough to sense the shame of being hit by a parent, or even shouted at. Therefore, once a child reaches such an age, the parent should take this into account and be very careful with his methods of discipline.

The Pele Yoetz adds that there are times when a parent should overlook bad behavior in a child, as long as it is not too serious, writing, “Sometimes [the parent] should act as if he does not hear or see.”

Awe, not Fear

The Talmudic Sages emphasize that children should not fear their parents. Reverence for one’s parents is very different from fearing them (and we also see the difference between reverence or awe toward Hashem, and fear of Him). The Talmud cites several instances in which a father caused his wife or children to be in fear of him, with disastrous results.

For instance, if a child fears the response of his father to a certain question, he may lie in order to escape the father’s wrath. Lying is considered a grave transgression. The Talmud quotes Rav Yehudah, who said in the name of Rav: “Anyone who imposes excessive fear within his household ends up [causing] three transgressions: illicit relations, murder, and desecration of Shabbat.”

Favoritism

The Talmudic Sages also warn against parents showing favoritism to one child over others, as this can bring the jealous siblings to commit transgressions, as we see from the example of Yaakov Avinu (our forefather Jacob) who gave preferential treatment to his son Yosef (Joseph).

The Talmud states: “One should never favor one child over the others, for because of a small piece of silk that Yaakov Avinu gave to his son Yosef, more than [what he gave to] his other sons, his brothers became envious of him, and this led to our ancestors going down to Egypt.”

The “small piece of silk” is of course a reference to the “striped garment” that Yaakov gave Yosef.

Children and Friends

It is also from Yaakov Avinu that we learn that once one’s children are grown up, while the relationship should still feature respect for parents, it also becomes more equal in some ways.

The Chida (Rabbi Chaim Yosef David Azulai, an 18^th-century Torah leader who was born in Jerusalem), writes:

“One should regard their grown children as if they are his brothers, and in this way, he and his children will live in peace and tranquility, as it is said (Bereishit 31:46): ‘And Yaakov said to his brothers: Gather stones.’ Rashi explains that what is meant by ‘his brothers’ is ‘his sons.’”

When children are still young, they should be taught to respect and revere their parents. Only when they are older and more mature, should parents transition gradually to a more equal relationship.

Building and Maintaining a Strong Connection

Rabbi Shlomo Wolbe was one of the great Torah leaders in the post-war period. In his book Alei Shur, he writes:

“It is precisely the deep connection between fathers and children that guides them toward the way of Hashem. Therefore, it is necessary to maintain this natural connection so that it is never broken. How so? One must not impose excessive fear within his household.”

Rabbi Wolbe stresses that while strict discipline may appear effective at the time, parents who rely on fear to enforce correct behavior may be unpleasantly surprised when the children grow up and reject what their parents have taught them.

Teaching one’s children should be primarily by example, he notes. Parents should therefore speak calmly and clearly and not allow themselves to be ruled by their emotions:

“The great principle in education is to say things calmly. Words that are not spoken quietly and patiently are not absorbed. Even if the child hurries to obey his father in response to the father’s shouting, the father should not delude himself into thinking that his shouting has any genuine educational influence...”

Rabbi Wolbe also points out that parents should be very patient with their children, as many of the ideas and behaviors they want to instill are foreign to their children and it takes time for children to absorb them and become accustomed to behaving in new ways:

“The things that are common sense to you, or old habits dating back years, are all new for your child ... and may involve changing old habits...

“So, even if the child does not immediately do what was asked of him, he should not be punished right away, but rather he should be firmly and calmly made aware of his duty.”

Genuine Love for One’s Children

Parenting correctly makes infinite demands on our patience and compassion. There are no short-cuts to bringing up children to embody the Torah’s ideals.

Parents who genuinely love their children and have compassion for them will take care to themselves exemplify the character traits and behaviors they wish to see in their children. No one has more compassion for his children than a truly righteous person.