Honoring Parents: A Torah Guide to Respectful Communication

Speak Softly

The Torah mentions two separate mitzvot regarding relating to one’s parents:

• “Honor your father and your mother” (Shemot 20:12, in the Ten Commandments)
• “Every person shall revere his mother and his father” (Vayikra 19:3)

Part of honoring and revering one’s parents is knowing how to communicate with them in a respectful manner. This means always speaking gently and never raising one’s voice — and this applies to children of all ages.

In general, if a parent makes a request of a child, the child is obligated to fulfill it (unless it involves transgressing Torah laws). Parents should not make excessive demands of their children, and if a child feels that his parents’ requests are unreasonable, he should still do his best to comply and only at a later date gently suggest that there may be another way of doing things that will work out better for everyone.

For example, if a parent always visits a married daughter at the time when her children get home from school, the daughter should wait for a calm opportunity to ask if her parents could perhaps call at a different time, and explain why.

Don’t Create Distance

For all the respect that must be present in the relationship, this should not detract from the closeness and therefore, children should not address their parents in the third person (“What did my mother say?” etc.) but should refer to them directly.

This we learn from the way Yaakov Avinu (our forefather Jacob) interacted with his father, Yitzchak (Isaac), asking him to “Please sit down and eat...” whereas Esav (Esau) said, “Let my father rise and eat...”

Seize Every Opportunity

Every opportunity to honor and accord respect to one’s parents should be taken, as this is a great mitzvah.

Therefore, if someone is at a meeting, for example, and he has to leave early in order to fulfill his parent’s request, instead of simply excusing himself he should make it clear that he is leaving early due to the mitzvah of kibbud av va’eim (honoring one’s parents).

If someone works in an office or business that deals with matters that concern his parents in any way (e.g., a government office dealing with property tax), and he can help his parents out by bringing them forms to sign so that they don’t need to come to the office, he should do so (obviously only when regulations permit this).

Know How and When to Speak Up

A child may not order a parent to do anything, and preferably should not even ask a parent for a favor or for help in any matter, unless it is very important.

If a parent and child are together, and someone poses a question to both of them, the child should allow the parent to answer unless the parent gives him permission to speak first.

However, if the child knows or suspects that the parent will embarrass himself with his answer (due to his ignorance) then he may preempt his father and answer the question himself.

If the parent is not Torah-observant, and in answering the question might bring disrespect to the Torah, then the child may also step in and provide the answer.

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If a child is in an important meeting or other setting where he cannot be distracted, and his parent calls on the phone, he should pick up the phone and politely explain the situation and promise to call back as soon as he is able. (This is, in fact, the right way to behave with any person, as they could be in need of help and one should not ignore them.)

If the child is in the middle of praying or learning Torah, he is not obligated to pick up the phone to his parent (or anyone else) but should call back as soon as he is able and apologize for the delay.

After reciting the Hamapil prayer before going to sleep at night, it is customary not to say a word until morning. However, if a parent speaks to his child after the child has recited Hamapil, the child should answer.

Avoid Causing Distress

Causing anyone distress is a Torah prohibition, and is all the worse if one causes distress to a parent. The Talmudic Sages stated: “Verbal mistreatment is worse than financial deceit.”

Therefore, a child should not speak harmful words to a parent and should take care not to say anything unnecessary that could cause them pain. For instance, one should not tell a parent about a relative’s illness, unless there is practical purpose to it.

If one’s parents are elderly, there is no need to tell them of the death of a relative if they will not otherwise find out, thus sparing them from having to sit shivah. (If the child thinks the parent might find out and be upset at not being told, they may tell them but only after a month has passed, as the shivah obligation will then be only half an hour.)

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A child who sets out on a journey and knows that his parents are worried about his welfare should call them as soon as he arrives at his destination, to spare them any extra concern.

If a child is under financial pressure, he may ask his parents for help if there is no better option, but he may not pressure his parents in any way.

If a child is asked by his father (or mother) to do something, and complies, and later his mother (or father) finds out what he did and is upset about it, the child should not tell his mother that he only did it because his father asked, as this could cause upset and friction. Instead, he should tell a “white lie” in order to keep the peace.

Make Your Parents Happy!

If a child notices that his parents seem worried or upset, it is a great mitzvah to cheer them up and encourage them.

This of course applies to everyone, not just parents. The Chida (Rabbi Chaim Yosef David Azulai) writes: “If you know of good news, hurry to tell others as it will make them happy. Regarding bad news, however, be very cautious. If it is only a rumor, do not spread it as it will only cause distress.”

Don’t feel proud — feel privileged

Even if a child has significantly extended himself on behalf of his parents, he should not feel pride but rather fortunate at being granted the opportunity to do so many mitzvot.

He should also remember that however much he does for his parents, it is just a drop in the ocean compared to everything his parents have done for him since he was born — and indeed, for giving him life itself.