Torah Perspectives on Mourning: Finding Comfort and Solace

Mourning a Mother

The verse in Psalms states: “I was bowed down in mourning like a mother” (Tehillim 35:14). Intense mourning is described as “mourning a mother,” and Rabbi Yechezkel Sarna, a Torah leader of the post-war generation explains:

A mother is mourned differently from other relatives. The prophet Yeshayahu (Isaiah 66:13) describes how Hashem comforts the Jewish People “like a man whom his mother comforts, so shall I comfort you.” From here, Rabbi Sarna writes, we see that the Torah considers a mother to exemplify consolation and comfort — no one can comfort a person like his mother. Therefore, when a person’s mother passes away, they lose this special connection, and forever after, no one else will be able to comfort them like their mother could.

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Nonetheless, the bond between a mother and her children remains forever. How is it expressed after the mother passes away?

Rabbeinu Yonah (one of the great Torah leaders of the early Middle Ages who lived in Spain and France) writes:

“The main merit of a woman in the World to Come is that her children serve Hashem and do His will, and fear Him. When she is in the afterlife and her children have the fear of Heaven in their hearts and engage in Torah and mitzvot, it is considered as if she is alive and fulfilling all the mitzvot, granting her high status in the World to Come.”

Mourning a Wife

The Talmud speaks of the great pain and sense of loss when a man’s wife passes away.

Rabbi Yochanan said: Anyone whose wife dies, it is as if the Temple has been destroyed in his days...

Rabbi Alexandri said: Anyone whose wife dies in his days, the world grows dark for him...

Rabbi Yossi bar Hanina said: His steps become shortened [he walks hesitantly and stooped over]...

Rabbi Abahu said: Advice fails him [he becomes lacking in counsel and wisdom]...

Rabbi Shmuel bar Nachmani said: Everything has a substitute except for a first wife...

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Several decades ago, a Jew from Tel Aviv traveled to Bnei Brak to visit the Steipler Gaon, Rabbi Yaakov Yisrael Kanievsky, one of the great Torah leaders of his generation. The man told the Steipler that his wife had recently passed away and he could not reconcile himself to her loss.

The Steipler took the man’s hands in his and shared that he, too, had recently become a widower.

“I am also finding things very hard. Although people take care of my needs, there is no substitute for a wife.”

Then, the Steipler added, “I have given this a great deal of thought. I came to the conclusion that since husband and wife don’t usually die together, one of them must pass away first leaving the other to suffer the loss. If I had been asked, I wouldn’t have chosen for my wife to suffer what I am going through, so I thank Hashem that this is what He did.”

Upon hearing these words, the man was consoled.

Passing after Great Suffering

The Steipler also addressed the distress felt at the passing of a relative who underwent great suffering before death.

“Hashem, in His kindness, makes a person grow weaker before he passes away. Often, a person is ill and sometimes suffers greatly.

“When such a person becomes a burden to himself and to his family, they almost agree that passing away is more merciful than enduring in such a state, or at least, that passing away has some good aspect to it. This mitigates some of the sorrow when the person passes away.”

The Steipler added that,

“It is also good for the sick person himself who knows that his end is near and is given the chance to wrap up his affairs in this world and correct some of the mistakes he made during his life.”

The Passing of a Young Child

The Talmud relates that when the son of Rabbi Yochanan ben Zakai passed away, his students came to console him.

Rabbi Eliezer entered, sat before him, and said: “Rabbi, do you wish for me to speak something before you?” and he replied: “Speak.”

He said: “Adam had a son [Abel] who died, and he accepted consolation ... so you should also accept consolation.”

Rabbi Yochanan ben Zakai replied: “Is it not enough that I am in sorrow myself? Do you also have to remind me of Adam’s sorrow?”

Rabbi Yehoshua entered, and the same conversation unfolded, only he gave the example of Job whose sons and daughters all died in a single day.

Rabbi Yosi entered, and he gave the example of Aharon Hakohen (Aaron the High Priest), who lost two of his sons on the same day.

Rabbi Shimon entered, and he gave the example of the first child of David Hamelech (King David) and Batsheva, who died as a tiny infant.

Then, Rabbi Elazar ben Arakh entered and sat before Rabbi Yochanan ben Zakai.

“I will tell you a parable,” he said. “Imagine a person, to whom the king entrusted a valuable deposit.” The person was full of anxiety, worried that he might not be able to return the deposit intact.

“So too you, Rabbi,” Rabbi Elazar ben Arakh said. “You had a son, who studied Torah, Mikra, Nevi’im, Ketuvim, Mishnah, halachot, aggadot, and he passed away without sin. You should accept consolation for you returned your deposit intact!”

Then Rabbi Yochanan said to him: “Rabbi Elazar, my son, you have comforted me...”

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Rabbi Eliyahu Hakohen Itamari was a great Torah scholar who lived in Greece and published his famous work, Shevet Mussar, in 1712. In a letter he penned to the parents of a boy who passed away at a young age, he wrote:

“... even though your son has departed this world, he is not lost from the world, just as when a son relocates to a distant city, nothing takes away from the fact that he is your son.

“Ultimately, [you as] the parents will draw closer to your son and will be with him in the eternal world for eternity. Furthermore, had he remained in this world, he might have suffered sorrow and illness, and perhaps would have veered, G-d forbid, from the right path, in which case you might have wished he would pass from the world rather than lead an empty existence.

“Now, the child is safe from all harm and danger ... brought into the Garden of Eden.”