Boundaries in the Family – Yes or No?

The term "boundary" is often perceived negatively, as it implies restriction, a limitation; it shows a person what they cannot do. However, boundaries are an essential tool that helps individuals manage their lives: boundaries create order and prevent chaos, defining what is possible and what is not, distinguishing between good and bad, permitted and forbidden.

What is a boundary, really?

According to the Sapir dictionary, a "boundary" is "a line separating between things, places, countries, periods, or fields," as well as "an end, edge, point, or line beyond which one cannot go."

Setting boundaries in the family happens when parents establish rules and guidelines, clarify what is allowed and what is forbidden, supervise, and punish according to their educational goals. Parents set boundaries for their children to delineate what is allowed and what is not in life in general and particularly at home. Boundaries indicate to the children where a certain area begins and ends, where "entry is allowed" and where "entry is not allowed."

Parents set boundaries through words (for example: no, up to here, forbidden, we do not agree, in our home we only eat with a knife and fork and not with hands, in our house it is forbidden to climb on the couch with shoes"), body language (for example, a soft tone of voice on one hand or raising the voice on the other), and through actions (standing as a barrier in front of the child to demonstrate that they cannot leave the house without permission). Parents can punish when the child crosses the boundary and/or reward when the child respects the boundary.

Boundaries are important for the development of young and adolescent children for many reasons. They help organize their inner world, provide protection from their aggressive impulses, help them develop the ability to delay gratification, improve their social skills, foster their independence, and strengthen their sense of belonging.

Boundaries help organize the child's inner world. In their development process, the child moves from a state of non-gratification to a state where the ability to delay gratification develops; from lack of self-control to self-control; from disorganization to organization, and more. In this complex process, accompanied by uncertainty and confusion, the child may get lost without adult assistance. Lacking internal clarity, they may experience significant frustration leading to aggression.

Since children like things to be predictable and consistent, they say "no" when faced with something unfamiliar ("I do not want to board a plane"), with change ("I do not want to go to a new kindergarten"), with the possibility of failure ("I do not want to play the piano"), and with the possibility of losing control ("I do not want to go to a daycare").

To help the child build and establish an orderly, organized, clear, and stable inner world, parents must initially set external boundaries. Later, the child will build their own internal boundaries. The existence of a boundary creates order in the world, making it less wild and dangerous. Boundaries establish the legality of life and offer the child orientation: they know what to expect, what they will be praised for, and for what they will be reprimanded. A defined schedule and fixed procedures regarding meal times, sleep, play, and bathing prevent confusion, discomfort, and lack of knowledge about what to expect. When boundaries are unclear, the child becomes anxious and restless, potentially wasting energy on battles and conquests. When boundaries are clear and reasonable, they can utilize their energy for peaceful development.

As the child grows, they need an adult to help them deal with internal conflicts, with inner dilemmas they cannot resolve alone. Establishing clear boundaries by parents along with a willingness for dialogue will help the child make more wise and good decisions.

The next article will cover additional practical points in setting boundaries in the family.