Therefore, My Sisters in Affliction, Dealing Like Me with an Eating Disorder

I was a child like everyone else, or perhaps a bit more sensitive

Always accessible to help my friends

Adolescence did not bypass me, bringing challenges

Which I pushed aside, not wanting to burden anyone with those issues.

Instead of sharing, I went with a loyal friend

Who suddenly entered my life, named - eating disorder

I was unaware, just running hand in hand

Happy, content, never dreaming I might stumble.

Days passed like this, with her, never slipping away

She was like a kind of healing to my soul.

She was there for me with complete love

And I curled under her protection, never awake

Blinded from all sides by phrases of "good intentions".

More sophisticated than any other, she was experienced.

Held on tighter than ever, not wanting to part

A struggle and battle kept my heart in fear

Instead of sharing - she shut my mouth tight

Not to let out or take in (food), "recalculating route".

The dizziness followed me, tried to shake me

To awaken, open my eyes, because nothing is 100%.

Until that day, lying in the hospital.

I didn’t understand what happened, I was terrified.

The heart cried out in deafening silence

Yearned to know the truth in truth

How a loyal friend, caring so much for my well-being

Led me to false joy, left me starving.

Yes, every day I promised myself to make an effort, even the smallest

To renew our "guard" and no longer give up

Many voices yelled - why go through this process?

Your beauty will be ruined and no one will appreciate you.

On the other hand, the true voices embraced me,

Pushed me to the day we say "we are healthy".

A tiresome year, a wearying battle, leaving the enemy's soldiers in shame

And raising an entire army full of happiness and joy.

No, it’s not easy, and sometimes the difficulty even prevails

I look forward to the day it will all pass and end.

She’s always by my side, but a change occurred in me

To recognize the talents Hashem granted me and not turn them into torment.

Indeed, I stand in the middle of the road

Stubbornly refusing once more to bow before her.

I just want you to know –

Our world is chasing lies and appearances

Blinding us, not allowing us to delve into inner depths

Lying to us that if only I had or if only I were

Then I would be happy and there would be no one like me.

And from where I struggle, I beseech you -

Do not seek light in dark places

It’s not worth the suffering and the wandering.

Not worth the false joy that lights up your eyes

With the wrong things, like tying your hands.

And to you, my strong sisters, my sisters in affliction,

Dealing like me with an eating disorder -

My beloved sisters,

Yes, this trial is hard, I know

A trial that no hand in heart can reach

Not simple to feel bound and swaying between black and grey

And to run and search always to find a point of light

When the opposite appears before our eyes

When we run blindly after the appearance.

I know it’s hard.

Hard to hear the disdain from the surroundings

Instead of receiving acceptance and understanding.

To absorb shocked looks of "how can this be?"

And feel guilty for seeking and chasing after grace

Not knowing the true beauty lies within you

And tried in every way to have faith in yourself.

I know you are not giving up -

Not giving up on yourself, even when it is a true desire

Because within you is also a wish to heal and recover.

Just wanted to say I’m proud of you

For who you are, and the long journey.

I’m proud of you, and be proud of yourself too

And don’t let people shake your personality.

You are beautiful just as you look, in every state

Don’t descend again to the state of hunger

Within you is an inner beauty not everyone gets to know

But don’t block yourself and place a wall before you.

Break the walls and share the difficulties with others

No more withdrawing into private chambers.

Get up from the upheaval and embrace with great love

All the days you felt abandoned

Because today you are in a different place, on a safe path

To rise, to fix, to walk the path to calm and rest.

And don’t forget, my sister, that Father in heaven sees everything, and you were deserving

To receive a trial from Him - and to receive it with love.

He sends strength, does not let go, and holds you

Never loses hope in you, and grants only good.

Wishing you success and rooting for you, understanding more than anyone in the world....

Do you also want to take part in the Hidabrut site's section, "The Letter That Will Never Be Sent"? Send us your letter to support@htv.co.il and perhaps we will publish it too.