Do Events Affect Us, or Do Our Reactions to Them?

Sometimes it seems like we cannot defend ourselves against or influence our emotions. However, this is a mistake: our consciousness and rationale have a significant impact on our emotions, and they certainly have a substantial influence on the consequences and outcomes of those emotions. While we cannot control everything that happens to us, we can control our reactions to occurrences and their impact on our emotional state, whether to a lesser or greater extent.

Only ten percent of the events that happen to us impact us, but ninety percent of the impact is attributed to our reaction to those ten percent. For example, if we entered a business relationship with someone, and they betrayed the trust we placed in them, we can be angry, dwell on the hurt caused, or divert our attention to trying to fix the damage, or maturely understand that people around us sometimes perceive reality differently than we do. Thus, for the same situation, there can be multiple responses that are fundamentally different! We may not always be able to change reality, but we can control our reaction to it.

The conclusion is that while we cannot control the events, reality, and occurrences themselves, we can change our reactions - and by doing so, manage their impact on us.

Often, when reality burdens us, we ask Hashem to change it. But according to what has been said here, it becomes clear that it would be just as good to ask for divine assistance to successfully change our reaction to reality.

In some ways, such a prayer might even be more relevant at times. For if we pray, for example, that a perpetually angry neighbor will move away, and our prayers are answered - the neighbor will move, and we would be freed from the anger they provoke in us... But who knows what kind of neighbor will come next? And what will we do if next time someone else, at work or in the synagogue, is angry with us? Of course, we could pray for them to leave as well... But meanwhile, we continue to suffer.

On the other hand, if instead of praying for reality to change, we pray for us to change, to become stronger, more flexible, more patient, so that we can face the neighbor's provocations more easily, then we can live a more peaceful, calm, and efficient life. This applies to every area: we need to identify the traits we lack to deal more effectively with reality and ask for heavenly help to acquire them.

If we pray for divine assistance in changing our reactions to reality, we will gain coping skills that will serve us well in many situations. If we are affected by the neighbor's anger, it means something within us is too weak... and this weak spot should be where we try to make a change, and of course, pray for it. Life's difficulties are not truly due to the difficulties themselves but rather our inability to handle them.

Want to learn more about managing emotions and other topics? Register today for Rabbi Eyal Ungar's workshops on the Jewish Campus.