Building a New Home: Second Marriage

New marriages after the death of a spouse, as well as 'adopting' a stepfather or stepmother after the death of the biological father or mother, can be accompanied by feelings of guilt and supposed 'betrayal,' and a sense that the deceased is 'angry' about attempts to forget them and continue living a good life without them. Of course, all these feelings are merely the product of the evil inclination's counsel, while the truth is that the deceased, who is in the world of truth, is completely free from all these petty considerations, and wants their relatives to choose life and true good, as our holy Torah instructs.

Below is a series of letters from the book "To Overcome," written by 'Nechemiah' to 'Nachum,' who was orphaned from his mother, when his father wanted to remarry. In these letters, one can find understanding and empathy for the aforementioned feelings of confusion, along with guidance and a correct view of the way of our holy Torah.

* * *

My dear Nachum,

It's been many months since we corresponded, and I was surprised to find your letter in my mailbox, though I wasn't surprised by its contents. You write about your dilemmas, your conflicting feelings, and you're searching for where your mistake lies. I was pleased to see your mature thinking, and I'm certain that you'll eventually reach the correct conclusion, a conclusion built on rational thinking rather than feelings that are sometimes childish and without any logic.

When you heard that your father wants to build a new home with another woman, your first thought was anger and resentment toward the new person barging into your home. Then the anger was transferred to the parent who is 'betraying' their spouse. In your heart, you pledged loyalty to your unforgettable mother, and decided that you would not be party to this 'betrayal.' Moreover, you decided to demonstrate this in every possible way, and besides, who needs this at all?! Life has returned to normal, things are working out, why do we need this change?!

Although a small voice whispers within you that these things aren't right, you feel that your arguments are justified. Let's think together:

First, the fact that a husband remarries is not new at all. Abraham our father lived a wonderful life with Sarah our mother, yet after her death, he married Keturah. Judah, after the death of his wife Bath-shua, married Tamar, and from this union came the tribe of Judah. We find a description of Caleb son of Jephunneh called "Caleb son of Jephunneh the Kenizzite," and the Gemara says that 'Kenaz' was Caleb's stepfather, meaning Jephunneh, Caleb's father, died, and his mother married Kenaz [father of Othniel son of Kenaz], so he had two names: son of Jephunneh, the Kenizzite. Ruth was the second wife of her second husband, meaning Ruth's first husband was Mahlon, and after his death, she married Boaz, and it was precisely from this union that the House of David and the Messianic king emerged. The Rebbe of Klausenburg lost his wife and children in the Holocaust, and after the Holocaust, he rebuilt his home, and his brilliant, righteous sons continue the golden chain of the family. There are many more examples of this, in any case, the matter is not fundamentally objectionable. And if the greatest figures in the world understood that this is possible, permissible, and necessary, what can we, who are like hyssop on the wall, say?!

In the next letter, God willing, we will continue to clarify these matters. In any case, you have material for thought about why these great figures and many others saw the need to build a new home. I also know that we haven't yet exhausted the topic completely, and if God wills, we will return to it.

In friendship, Nechemiah

* * *

Dear Nachum,

Your promptness is commendable; within two days you sent me a long and detailed response. You argue in your letter that all those mentioned did not have children at home, neither young nor old, and had they had children, perhaps their behavior would have been different.

Know, my dear, that the opposite is true. The Gemara tells of Sages who permitted a man to marry his deceased wife's sister immediately after the burial, so that there would be someone to care for the children. The reason of children is a reason that obligates remarriage, and as soon as possible.

But before we clarify the matter of building a new home, I would ask you to examine yourself and consider whether your anger and resentment stem from logical reasons, or are they the results of selfishness and uncontrolled emotion. Are you sure that you haven't developed some sense of loyalty to your mother, and in your innocence and sincerity, you imagine this to be "honoring parents," when in fact true honor is consideration for the living parent's long-term needs, capabilities, and resources. And who today has the emotional, physical, and organizational ability to fulfill two roles?! I read that in England they conducted a study on the value of a housewife, and the conclusion was that her value equals five workers. And that's for a non-Jewish housewife, because about a Jewish housewife King Solomon already said in 'Woman of Valor': "Her worth is far beyond pearls."

Of course, there are many problems when rebuilding from ruins, but there is a solution for every problem. And about that, next time.

Praying that Hashem will guide you in correct thinking,

Yours in friendship, Nechemiah

* * *

Dear beloved Nachum,

... We mentioned that the parent's pain is much greater than ours, and their problems are enormous. Our problems are individual problems, whereas the parent's is a problem for the whole family. Great responsibility rests on them, both financially, to provide for, feed, clothe, and pay for the entire family. "How can I bear your problems and your burdens alone?!" And also an educational problem, can one person manage everything?! Hashem created the world in a way that one would assist the other, and you can verify with educators, both of boys and girls, how much the absence of one parent is felt.

My dear Nachum, I can sense how you raise your eyebrows in wonder and criticism: All well and good, but what does this have to do with me?! Why should I suffer?! Perhaps it would be better if they sent me to boarding school, benefiting both the new family and myself?! Even if you don't think exactly like this, thoughts like these are flooding your mind.

Well, things aren't so. Much, much depends on you. How will it please your parent if they know and feel your bitterness?! How can they build a new home this way?! And what taste will it have for their partner, when they feel they have an enemy here, who sees them as a hostile intruder trespassing where they don't belong?!

Will a warm and pleasant home be built here as it once was? Everything, everything depends on you! You have the power to turn the new home into hell, and you have the power to turn it into paradise on earth.

Without doubt, there are many problems. If you are an only son, there will be special situations with issues of seclusion, and likewise if she has a daughter or only daughters. Also, a stepfather is forbidden to touch his stepdaughter and a stepmother with her stepfather.

And how will they call her 'Mother'? Usually, young children are quick to accept the new fatherhood or motherhood, and they are explained as early as possible that they have two mothers or two fathers, one in heaven and one here, thereby saving many problems in the future. For older children, the problem is more difficult! The best thing is to have an open conversation and agree on how they will be called, but under no circumstances should they be called by their first name. One can come and say: It's emotionally difficult for me to use the name 'Mother,' and ask for another suggestion. Again, an open-hearted conversation about all these small problems is the most successful solution.

I think that's enough and more for now.

Affectionately yours, Nechemiah.

* * *

Dear Nachum,

...There is a sermon on the verse: "Who brings out the prisoners b'kosharot" (Psalms 68:7): "B'kosharot" - if you wish to say 'weeping', and if you wish to say 'songs'. That is, the word b'kosharot includes two words: 'weeping' and 'songs'. And the intention of the sermon is to teach us that it depends on our perspective, whether a perspective of complaint or a perspective of satisfaction. What is this comparable to? To two people who ate lunch. One complained: "What did we eat? A little meat, some rice, some miserable soup, and for dessert we got an orange". And the other: "What a wonderful lunch, meat, rice, a full plate of soup, and even an orange for dessert!" The same meal, but each describes it from his point of view.

So too in life: "How miserable I am, I became an orphan, and even more, my father is getting married, and what will become of me?!", and the second: "Indeed I was orphaned, but I have merited a father from heaven, Hashem, the father of orphans, and thank God my father has found a woman who will be his helper. How abundant are Hashem's kindnesses". If you wish to say 'weeping' and if you wish to say 'songs'. We must accustom ourselves to the side of song, to the side of contentment, to be happy with our portion throughout life. Who is rich? One who is happy with his portion!

I wish for you to be rich, rich in spirituality!

Your friend always, Nechemiah

* * *

Dear Nachum,

"As water reflects face to face, so the heart of man to man," meaning: when a person looks in water, he sees his own face; if he smiles, the image smiles back at him, and if he shows an angry face, an angry face is reflected back at him. "So the heart of man to man," if my heart loves someone, he will return love to me, and if the heart is full, God forbid, of hatred, then my fellow will return hatred to me.

Therefore, if you fear the fictional stories of stepmothers and stepfathers who abused their stepchildren, know that it's all imagination, and things never reached that point. It is very rare [rare, but sometimes happens] that stepchildren don't get along with the other side. And even then, usually, the matter can be settled through an attitude of respect and consideration for others.

From the outset, one should build relationships of respect for his mother's husband and his father's wife, consideration and help, and remember that everything depends on us. And if we spread a spirit of joy and flexibility, consideration and respect, there will be a glorious home, a warm home for each and every one, a home where everyone will feel good. And this merit will ascend to the treasuries of heaven, and there in heaven, the holy soul will derive satisfaction from its descendants, and will increase prayers before the Throne of Glory to bring abundance and blessing to the new home being built!

With blessing from the depths of my heart

And may it be with good fortune, and may this home hear only the sound of joy and the sound of gladness.

Praying with all my heart, Nechemiah