Guilt Feelings: "Could We Have Prevented What Happened?"

Reflections of a Torah scholar during his mourning period:

Many mourners repeatedly ask themselves, did we do everything possible to save our loved one from death? Could we have done more for them? These guilt feelings especially arise when dealing with a family member who passed away after an illness, whether brief or prolonged, and they are extremely burdensome and troubling.

When examining things from a Torah perspective, one recognizes there is no place for such pangs of conscience, as our obligation is to strengthen ourselves and believe with complete and genuine faith that everything that was done or not done to save the deceased is included in the decree from Heaven. While the deceased was alive, we were obligated to make every effort to save them, but now, after they have returned their soul to their Creator, our duty is to be confident and believe wholeheartedly that we had no ability to extend their life even by a single moment!

In fact, one could say that those thoughts about ways and means by which we might have saved them, which were thoughts of mitzvah while the deceased was alive, from the moment of death onward have become thoughts of transgression! Because in hindsight, everything we did or didn't do was not in our hands, but under the guidance of the Master of all deeds, the Lord of all souls! Regarding mistakes that were made, if they were made at all, the Maharam Chagiz already said in his wonderful adage: "A doctor's error is the Creator's intention," and included in the doctor's errors are our own errors regarding going to the doctor and the question of which doctor to visit and so forth. Therefore, we must repeat and internalize the pure faith that "Hashem gave and Hashem has taken away, blessed be the name of Hashem."

There is no "who is to blame" - it is only Hashem's decree!

As written in the aforementioned letter, just as there is no place for self-blame, so too one should avoid searching for other "guilty parties," such as a negligent doctor or a reckless driver and the like, because they were merely agents to carry out Hashem's decree, which would have been carried out in any case, even without them. [However, this does not contradict the fact that it is permissible and entirely possible to file claims for negligence or carelessness].

"You shall make a parapet for your roof... lest the faller fall from it" (Deuteronomy 22:8). The Midrash explains: "the faller" - in present tense. From the six days of creation, he was destined to fall, and this fall was decreed upon him. Rabbeinu Bachya adds that all creatures were created with their desires and will, and Hashem informed each creature in advance of all the events that would happen to them, their lifespan and death, and they consented to everything.

Words written by the wife of Rabbi Zaritzky, of blessed memory, upon the death of their young daughter in a traffic accident, when she went on her mother's errand to the grocery store (Lekach Tov 210):

...And so she went out in the morning, and afterward we heard the screeching of wheels. How long did it last? Perhaps half an hour, or maybe just a few minutes. And when people entered our home with alarmed faces, they couldn't find the words to tell us that our Batya had been hit by a car, but my husband and I understood.

...We protected our daughter as long as she was in our home. Now she has gone because she was called, otherwise, could one imagine she would have gone just like that?! And our Sages say that a person does not stub their finger below unless it is proclaimed above! If the stubbing of a finger is proclaimed, then surely the final trip to the grocery store on our behalf was certainly proclaimed above, otherwise, we would not have sent her to the store, because it's impossible to utter a word without the Creator's permission.

--- When we returned from the cemetery, a young man approached us, stopping beside us with a bowed head. Perhaps there was a tear in his eyes and perhaps not, but tears certainly welled within him, and he said to us: "I am the driver," and fell silent. My husband looked at him without any interest and was also silent. The young man said again: "I am the driver of the car. I---". My husband again raised his gaze and looked at him at length without any resentment and without any interest, and then said: "You're the driver? So what do you want to say?"

"I want to say," the driver spoke very quickly, "that I am not at all to blame. The child suddenly ran across the road, and I didn't have time to stop the car. I... I... I have no words to express my sorrow. I ask you to forgive me. I am willing---"

My husband's eyes expressed wonder, what's the difference between such a death and death from a serious illness? Here, our neighbor's four-and-a-half-year-old child died after much suffering and pain... And now, Mr. Driver, my child left us without all that suffering of many months, without that sea of tears that must be shed, because we are parents, and part of our body has been torn away, and this is a sudden blow. The One who sent the disease to the little four-and-a-half-year-old child is the One who sent a car that ran over our child. A person does not stub their finger below until it is proclaimed above, and we do not blame any person for our child being run over to death. We have nothing against you, sir, be at peace. But you can do a kindness for our child if you wish."

- "Of course, of course... without a doubt, I am ready to do anything for her - what can I do?"

- "Do you know that she is here at this moment?"

- "Y-y-yes," stammered the driver, "that is, if sir says so, it must be true, true, even though ---"

- "It's true! Before, when she left the house, she was not with us. Now she is always with us, day and night, in cold and heat, whenever we travel somewhere, she will immediately be with us, and that is a great comfort for us. Do you understand? I think if you would agree from today onward not to desecrate Shabbat, to put on tefillin, to observe kashrut, or if that is difficult for you, at least to properly observe Shabbat, meaning not to drive on Shabbat and holidays, that would be a very great thing for our daughter, and you would be doing her a kindness. She surely asks nothing more of you. Would you agree to do this kindness for our Batya? We would be very grateful to you and would remain friends all the days of our lives."

"I eat kosher, it's always kosher in my home. But I don't manage to pray. But if she, you, if you, I mean for... yes, I will try to keep Shabbat, I will try, as long as you forgive me, that you pray for my soul, I am very miserable because of this incident, I..."

And then I saw my husband whose eyes sparkled with a cheerfulness I hadn't seen for many years, he simply looked happy, rose from the bench, embraced the confused driver and said to him in a loud voice: "In the name of my little daughter and in the name of my wife and in my name and in the name of all my children, I thank you, and you are always invited to come to our home, we will receive you with all our heart"...

--- People enter, nod to us, ask to share in our sorrow. Each according to his way, according to his gestures. Many enter on tiptoe, others whisper among themselves, afraid to raise their gaze to us. Many enter and before they sit down are already shedding tears... Someone among them shares a word of Torah, eyes meet that without this meeting might never have met. Perhaps one or two of them will reflect that "it is better to go to a house of mourning than to go to a house of feasting"?

...This is the exclusive merit of our little Batya. If those who leave here are moved to tears, and the tears wash over them, purifying them. And then she smiles...

She smiles! Don't you notice her smile, spreading over all our rooms, hmm?