After Mourning: How to Move On

Accepting Hashem’s judgment

Rabbi Eliezer Papo writes in his book PeleYoetz: “Just as it is a mitzvah to comfort others, so it is a mitzvah to be comforted, and to accept divine judgment with love, because suffering comes from Hashem, who is the Master of the world and controls everything according to His will. We are His servants ... and we are obligated to thank and bless Him. Someone who accepts consolation from others, and even more so from himself [when he reinforces his faith], demonstrates that he has a clear mind, true knowledge, and complete faith.”

Hashem gave the soul the ability to be consoled, as King David said, “Your rod and Your staff — they are what comfort me!” Both Hashem’s rod, when He inflicts suffering upon us, and His staff, when He guides and protects us, are sources of consolation and reassurance, as both are wielded by our loving Father for our benefit.

Hashem metes out the suffering He brings upon us with precision, for purposes that we cannot comprehend. In the future, we will be given to understand why we had to undergo such challenges and we will rejoice in every drop of pain we experienced. For now, it is our faith and trust in Hashem that enable us to find consolation, for all the troubles that we experience including the passing of a loved one. And if we can truly internalize these thoughts, then we can begin to rejoice already, now.

Hashem’s mercy

Hashem is the source of all mercy and compassion. Any sense of compassion we have ever felt for someone is not even a drop in the ocean compared to Hashem’s mercy upon us, which we cannot even begin to fathom. If so, certainly the pain we experience in this world also derives from His great and infinite mercy.

When a non-Jew passes away, the obituary states that the person “is no more.” But we know that when a person dies, they do not “cease to exist” or “disappear.” Life continues in the world of souls. The soul is eternal; only the body perishes and is gone, as King Solomon said (Ecclesiastes 12:7): “And the dust returns to the earth as it was, and the spirit returns to Hashem who gave it.”

Elevating the soul of the deceased

Mourners have the ability to elevate the soul of their departed loved one to higher levels, which brings them great benefit. This knowledge should comfort mourners; it also obligates them to do their utmost for those who have passed away.

Sometimes, a person believes that their deceased relative will be angry with them for forgetting them and being able to smile and return to normal life. Some believe that the loved one who has passed away will be angry with them if they remarry, or accept a stepfather or stepmother. Such thinking is a big mistake.

The person who has passed away is now in the world of truth, the soul’s natural home where it is free of pettiness and jealousy, lies and deceit. All that the soul now wants is for those who remain among the living to choose life and true goodness! This involves continuing to live, to fulfill the mitzvot and, where possible, to bring new life into the world.

Sometimes, relatives of those who passed away “before their time” blame themselves or others (a negligent doctor, a reckless driver) for what happened. All such thoughts should be rejected as they come from the yetzer hara, the evil inclination that wants to cast a person into despair. Instead, those who remain alive should reaffirm their trust in Hashem and their firm belief that He rules the entire world — and serve Hashem with joy.

(Adapted from the book Lekach Tov)

The gift of consolation

Rabbi Eliyahu Dessler writes (Michtav Me’Eliyahu Vol. 4, p. 342):

“The fact that people can be consoled is only by virtue of a special gift from Hashem, who Himself comforts the mourners. A miracle is performed for each and every mourner when Hashem heals them from their grief...

“People say that ‘time heals.’ This is not true. In fact, our Sages tell us that people cannot be consoled if the person they mourn is still alive (even though they believe them to be dead). Such was the case with Yaakov Avinu (our forefather Jacob), who was not consoled for his son Yosef (Joseph). Here we see that time did not heal at all.

“What does happen over time is only due to Hashem’s decree that the dead be forgotten from the heart ... Sometimes, it is necessary to teach mourners how to willingly accept the healing that Hashem sends them, and not to stubbornly continue to mourn. They should know that they are not permitted to mourn excessively, and should gladly accept the comfort which Hashem grants them as a gift.”