The Mitzvah of Comforting Mourners

It is a great mitzvah to comfort mourners and to share in their distress. The Talmudic Sages stated, “Just as Hashem comforted mourners [as He comforted Yitzchak after the passing of his father Avraham, as it is written (Bereishit 25:11): “After Abraham's death, Hashem blessed his son Yitchak”], so too, you should comfort mourners.” (Sotah 14a)

The Midrash tells us that after the destruction of the Temple, both bridegrooms and mourners would go to the synagogue, in order that the community would see the bridegroom and rejoice with him, and see the mourner and share in his grief, sitting with him on the ground. In this way, the Jewish people would fulfill their obligation to perform acts of kindness (Pirkei De’Rabbi Eliezer 17).

The Pele Yoetz states that not only is it a mitzvah to comfort a mourner, when any trouble befalls a person it is a mitzvah to express sympathy and comfort him with words that speak to his heart. The Rambam writes (Laws of Gifts to the Poor, 10:4): “One should share in another’s sorrow, as it is said: ‘Did I not weep for those whose day was hard? Was not my soul grieved for the needy?’ (Job 30:25). One should speak words of supplication and comfort to them, as it is said: ‘And I caused the widow’s heart to rejoice’ (Job 29:13).”

The story of Rabbi Beroka

Rabbi Beroka was once walking through the marketplace when the Prophet Elijah appeared and spoke with him. Rabbi Beroka asked him: “Is there anyone in this marketplace who is destined for the World to Come?” Elijah answered: “No.”

While they were still conversing, two men passed by. Elijah said: “These two men will merit to enter the Garden of Eden!” Rabbi Beroka called them over and asked them about their deeds. They told him: “It is our custom and practice, whenever we hear of someone who is bitter of spirit, worried, sighing, suffering, and in shock, to go to his house, to express sympathy and comfort him, and to speak to his heart in order to gladden him and remove his sighing, worry, grief, and sorrow due to the events that have befallen him and the hardships that have surrounded and encompassed him, until he is comforted and his heart is encouraged and his soul is strengthened, and he thrives, rejoices, and is happy.”

(Taanit 22a and the Book of Stories of Rabbi Nissim Gaon)

Bringing Hashem’s message of love and concern

There is a parable of a father who had ten sons. While the father was abroad, he discovered that one of his sons needed to undergo a painful medical treatment. Immediately, he sent a doctor to perform the procedure; he also hastened to dispatch a letter to his other sons.

In the letter he wrote, “Please, be with your brother during his pain, and convey to him my love and concern. I want him to know without doubt that it is only out of my love for him that I sent him this doctor to administer such a painful treatment.”

Similarly, there are times when Hashem strikes a person for his benefit and ultimate good, and at the same time, He commands his relatives and loved ones to go and comfort him, thereby conveying His love and concern for him. This is one reason why those who visit a mourner tell him, “May Hashem comfort you.” Those who console mourners are, in a manner of speaking, conveying the condolences and love of Hashem Himself!

Only Hashem can bring true consolation

Why is it that those who visit mourners to console them say, “May Hashem comfort you”? Aren’t they there in order that they should comfort the mourners?

Rabbi Shmuel Rozovsky of blessed memory explained that this reminds us that only Hashem can truly bring consolation to those experiencing grief and loss. Only Hashem can comprehend the depth of another person’s pain, and therefore, even though we do our best to console, we still have to admit that only Hashem can bring comfort and healing.

The Steipler consoles a widower

A Jew from Tel Aviv once came to see the Steipler Gaon, Rabbi Yaakov Yisrael Kanievsky, of blessed memory. This man related that his wife had died, and he was very bitter. Rabbi Kanievsky took his hand and said to him: “I am in the same position as you, as I have been a widower for some time now, and I too am very bitter. Although people do their best to look after me, there is no substitute for a wife.”

Rabbi Kanievsky fell silent for a moment and then added, “I have given this matter a great deal of thought, and I came to the conclusion that Hashem made things this way intentionally. It is the way of the world that spouses do not pass away together — instead, one dies before the other, and the surviving one grieves their loss. If we had been asked what we would prefer — to die before or after our wives — we wouldn’t have had it any other way. Therefore, the one who remains alive must thank Hashem that the order was not reversed.”

Upon hearing these words, the man was comforted and left feeling encouraged.

“I am with him in his time of distress”

When we fulfill the mitzvah of “comforting mourners,” we are actually imitating Hashem who tells us that whenever we suffer, He shares our pain. Grieving together with a mourner eases his pain when he sees that his relatives and friends are sharing in his distress.

I am comforted

After both of Rabbi Akiva’s sons died, a great many Jews eulogized them and visited Rabbi Akiva to comfort him. When they were about to leave, Rabbi Akiva stood up and said: “Listen! Even though I have buried two sons who were both engaged to be married, I am consoled by the great honor you have shown. And if you came for Akiva’s sake, then there are many Akivas out there whom you did not go to comfort. But you said, ‘The Torah of his God is in his heart,’ and so your reward is doubled because you came to honor the Torah. Return home in peace.”

(Tractate Moed Katan 21b)