The prohibition against excessive mourning

Regarding mourning our loved ones, the Torah states (Deuteronomy 14:1): “You are children of Hashem your God. You shall not gash yourselves or make a bald spot [rip out your hair] between your eyes for the dead. For you are a holy people to Hashem your God, and Hashem has chosen you to be His treasured people from among all the nations on the face of the earth.”

Among other nations, common practice in ancient times was for mourners to rip out their hair and injure their bodies in order to express their grief. Indeed, there are parts of the world where such practices are still in existence. The Torah states that such behavior is entirely inappropriate for the Jewish people, who are Hashem’s beloved children. A Jew must know how to channel his emotions properly and should never express grief in destructive ways.

This commandment stems from the fact that as Jews, even in times of trouble, we do not completely lose our composure because despite the pain, we remember that our Father in heaven watches over us constantly and seeks our welfare at all times. Hashem manages His world with kindness and compassion, with righteousness and justice. Hashem causes people not only to die but also to be born; to fall sick but also to be healed. “I cause death and I bring life, I have wounded and I will heal” (Deuteronomy 32:39).

The Netziv of Volozhin, author of Ha’amek Davar writes: “It is appropriate for someone who has dedicated his life to Hashem to subdue his grief in the face of Hashem’s will. Weeping and mourning to the extent prescribed by the Torah is Hashem’s will, in order to give honor to the deceased. Thus, honoring the dead overrides several Torah commandments, and mourning is part of our obligation to honor the deceased. However, doing anything that leaves a lasting mark beyond what the Torah has established is not honoring the dead; it is merely an expression of grief, and it is not appropriate for someone who is dedicated to Hashem to act in this manner.”

The Talmud states (Tractate Moed Katan 27b): “One should not weep excessively or eulogize the dead beyond the measure established by the Sages: three days for weeping, seven for eulogizing, thirty for refraining from haircuts. Beyond this, the Holy One, Blessed be He, says: ‘You are not more merciful toward him than I am.’”

The Sages add: “Whoever grieves excessively over the dead will end up weeping over another dead person.” The Torah teaches us to guard our physical and emotional health and to mourn within strict limits before returning to normal life.

Excerpt from a letter of condolence sent to Rabbi Eliyahu Dessler by his brother-in-law after his father’s passing:

“... certainly a wise person like yourself knows that he must encourage himself and be careful not to grieve excessively, in order to fulfill the obligation of preserving one’s health to serve Hashem. And regarding your dear mother, one must certainly take care to see that she is given the necessary support and that she does not experience unnecessary grief or distress which would harm her, for she needs to take extra care of her health. And who can calculate her great merit from her deeds and devotion to your father during all the years of his suffering and illness. May He who repays good deeds with goodness reward you with all manner of salvation and consolation speedily, Amen.”

From the words of consolation spoken by Rabbi Elazar Shach to a widow and young orphans at the end of the shiva period:

“It is forbidden to mourn excessively. This is Hashem’s decree, and we cannot know what would have been otherwise [i.e., if not for this tragedy, some other great suffering might have occurred]. In our daily prayers we refer to Hashem as our merciful Father and we constantly ask for His mercy, knowing that a father always intends only the best for his children.

“We cannot see into the future, nor can we know what will happen, because our perception is limited. But Hashem has no such limits; He both sees and knows. We are obligated to mourn to the extent that the Torah requires of us, but not excessively. One must return to life, and Hashem will help. He will help each and every one of us.”

The Torah tells us, “You are children of Hashem your God; you shall not gash yourselves.” In ancient times, it was the practice of gentiles to rip at their flesh when a relative died. The Torah forbids us from engaging in such behavior as we are the children of Hashem. The Ramban (Nachmanides) explains that when mourning for a deceased relative, even for a father of young children, and even when our grief is at its height, we must still remember that we have a Father in heaven! We are children of Hashem our God, and our Father in heaven is eternally alive! We are obligated to fulfill the commandments which include laws on how to mourn and grieve. After fulfilling our obligations, we must trust in Hashem. The sons of the family need to return to their studies, and Hashem will have mercy on the widow. This is what brings joy to the deceased father — seeing that his family continues along the path of Torah. Therefore, after the period of mourning ends, one must return to regular life, and the mother, may she be blessed with long life, will raise the children and merit to see them following in the path of righteousness.