The Benefits of Mourning according to Jewish Law

The laws of mourning are numerous, effectively forcing the mourner to exist on a completely different and unfamiliar plane, with a return to routine life occurring only gradually. Examining these laws reveals to us some of the depth of the Sages’ wisdom and their remarkable understanding of human psychology, guiding mourners to cope with their grief. Below are several examples of the laws and customs designed to help mourners adjust to their new circumstances, internalize their loss, and express their intense emotions regarding death in general and the family member they have lost in particular.

(Adapted from Laws of Mourning by Rabbi Yitzchak Tzvi Oshinski)

Internalizing Loss

One of the mourner’s obligations during shiva is to refrain from excessive talking and laughter. We learn this from the Talmud (Tractate Moed Katan 15a), which relates how Hashem told the prophet Ezekiel: “Sigh in silence.” This state of silence and self-reflection is not just a natural response to grief and shock but is an explicit law designed to compel the mourner to contemplate and internalize his sorrow and loss, rather than suppressing his feelings by engaging in excessive conversation and laughter with those around him. While chatting and laughing might seem appropriate in the short term if a person’s grief feels overwhelming, in the long term such behavior is detrimental.

Jewish law (halachah) stresses that mourners should not engage in joyful matters during the seven days of mourning. Behaving normally, especially if this includes laughter and joking, serves to disconnect the mourner from his sense of loss. When he returns to routine at the conclusion of shiva, his failure to absorb the loss during the first seven days can plunge him into feelings of emptiness. The Sages were so strict about this prohibition that they even forbade mourners from studying Torah, as Torah study makes people happy. Mourners are also forbidden to hold babies (unless necessary for their care) during the entire shiva period, to avoid experiencing the joy of young children. The Sages also prohibited other activities that might distract mourners from their grief, including working at their jobs, leaving their homes throughout the entire shiva, and even reading newspapers, novels, or works of non-fiction — all to ensure that their minds are not diverted toward worldly matters but remain focused on contemplating the loss of their loved one.

In order to further stress the contrast between mourning and routine, the Sages decreed that all elements of physical comfort are to be avoided. Mourners must remove their shoes, sit on the ground or a low chair, and may not bathe. The discomfort they thus experience signals to the mourner that it’s not “business as usual” — they must focus on the grief and loss in order to utilize this period as it was intended.

In fact, it is not enough to merely immerse oneself in grief. Mourners are supposed to cry and some of the laws and customs encourage this. The eulogies given at the funeral are intended, among other things, to cause mourners to weep, as stated in the Shulchan Aruch (Code of Jewish Law): “It is a great mitzvah to properly eulogize the deceased. The requirement is to raise one’s voice while saying things that break the heart, in orderto increase weeping.” One reason for this is to ease the emotional burden of the mourners during this most difficult time — the burial of their loved one.

Following the funeral, the Sages established “three days for weeping.” From here we learn that there is great significance to crying during the first three days, during which a rehabilitation process begins for mourners who begin to internalize their grief via weeping and thoughts about the deceased. This helps them overcome their sorrow without suppressing their feelings, which will make their subsequent return to normal life easier.

Comforting Mourners

The mitzvah of comforting mourners also helps to ensure that mourners do not suppress their feelings. Mourner are generally surrounded by a supportive and friendly environment within which they can discuss their deceased relative, the meaning of life and death, and the afterlife, while freely expressing their emotions and hopes for the future.

From the laws of comforting mourners, we learn an important principle regarding allowing mourners to express their grief. Although it is extremely important to express sorrow and pain rather than suppressing it, one should not pressure or force mourners to do so. They should be allowed to share with others at their own pace, according to their personality and emotional state. This is reflected in the law stating that visitors to the shiva home should not initiate conversation with mourners; instead, they should wait until the mourners speak. Mourners must be given the opportunity to sit in silent contemplation as they recall their deceased relative, to internalize their situation, and to ponder the nature of life in this world, without interruption, until they indicate a desire to talk. However, they should not be allowed to completely disengage from their surroundings. Halachah stipulates that if it becomes evident that the mourner cannot initiate conversation, the visitors should themselves open a conversation about the deceased and their virtues.

Even after the shiva period ends, laws still apply that continue to “restrict” mourners, thereby enabling them to continue internalizing the loss and preventing repression of feelings. These restrictions — such as avoiding joyous events and prohibitions against listening to music — force them to remember and dwell on their mourning and keep them focused on the memory of their deceased relative, along with their own sorrow. Other practices such as reciting Kaddish for the elevation of the departed person’s soul, lighting a memorial candle, and reciting the memorial prayer upon being called to the Torah, also serve to keep the memory of the loved one and the consciousness of loss alive.