Using Grief to Enhance our Faith

Written by a Torah scholar, after the passing of his son

Many mourners are deeply troubled by the question of whether they are permitted to cry and grieve. The question stems from the obligation to recite a blessing upon receiving bad news just as one does for good news. Our Sages have also taught: “One should always be accustomed to saying, ‘Everything that Hashem does, He does for the good.’” In light of these teachings, mourners sometimes assume that crying and feeling grief contradict acceptance of the divine judgment with love. Consequently, they believe they should suppress their tears and their natural feelings.

This question troubled me when we sat shiva for our beloved son, of blessed memory. On one hand, we felt as if a part of ourselves had been ripped away, something so precious that we had no words to describe the magnitude of pain and the feeling of loss and devastation we experienced. When a person loses a large sum of money, he grieves deeply, so all the more so for such a loss as this. On the other hand, we were troubled by the thought that since we are believers in Hashem, descended from a long line of believers, we should have complete faith that everything is decreed from above, and that Hashem is the merciful Father, good and beneficent, who knows best what is good for a person. If so, undoubtedly what Hashem did to us was for our benefit, so perhaps we should overcome our natural feelings and try not to grieve? We turned to Torah scholars for advice, and gained clarity on the matter. Following are excerpts from what we were told.

The Midrash relates that when Avraham Avinu (our forefather Abraham) was about to sacrifice his son, Yitzchak, “He was crying yet his heart was full of joy” (Bereishit Rabbah 56:8). What does this mean — can a person really rejoice while crying? The book Avodat Hagershuni explains: “Here we see the praise and virtue of Avraham Avinu, and from here we too can learn the proper way to serve Hashem.”

Avraham was so devoted to Hashem, with a love as intense as a burning fire, that all worldly matters were as nothing in comparison. When Hashem addressed him saying, “Take your son, your only one, whom you love...” he felt an overwhelming desire to fulfill the Creator’s command, and this desire easily overcame even his intense love for his son. But precisely because of this, he was distressed that the challenge was too easy for him! Therefore, Avraham sought to increase the difficulty of the test. What did he do? He began to think deeply about how much he loved his son, recalling the long years during which he and his wife had waited and prayed for him until they were blessed with a child in their old age. He thought about how precious he was to them, and how much pain they would feel in his absence. These thoughts were intended to magnify the pain and challenge, and indeed they had their effect, until Avraham began to weep in distress. Then he summoned up all his love for Hashem until his heart was full of joy that he was going to fulfill Hashem’s will by nullifying his own.

From here it is clear that not only is it permissible to grieve and weep, the feelings of grief and pain actually help mourners to enhance their love for Hashem. This in turn will reinforce their faith and trust in Hashem’s judgment. Therefore, the intense inner feelings of loss at the death of one’s child, God forbid, or other relatives, which brings a person to such distress that he may weep even after three days (and even after several months), do not contradict the halachah (Jewish law) that establishes “three days for crying,” as our Sages did not intend to prohibit crying that emerges from a person’s natural emotions.

One should, of course, channel emotion and grief in the right direction. A person should strengthen himself and his family in accepting divine judgment by reaffirming the foundations of faith — that there is no power aside from Hashem, and that the grief they are experiencing was given to them by the Creator, and since His entire will is to benefit His creatures, there is no doubt that everything is for the best. In this way, they will accept their suffering with love and their weeping and grief will be considered part of their service of Hashem.

If, however, a person suppresses his natural feelings and disconnects from reality, he will not experience any inner growth. He will neither enhance his trust and faith in Hashem, nor will his thoughts and actions be considered divine service. Hashem’s will is for a person to follow in the path of Avraham who wept with a joyful heart. It must be emphasized that we are not obligated to seek ways to increase our grief, as Avraham did. All that we are required to do is learn how to combine our natural grief with doing Hashem’s will and accepting His judgment with love.