Why Mourn? After All, Everyone Dies Eventually...

The Talmud relates that a Cuthean* once asked Rabbi Meir several questions about the resurrection of the dead, and when he understood from Rabbi Meir’s answers that the dead are resurrected fully clothed and with everything else they need, he asked: “Why do you weep over the dead, given that they are brought back to life dressed and provided for?”

Rabbi Meir responded: “May that man’s spirit be extinguished! Is there anyone who loses something precious and does not weep? Just as a baby is born with loud cries, so too, his passing is accompanied by loud weeping.” (Kohelet Rabbah 5:1)

Is it Appropriate to Cry?

In the introduction to his book Torat HaAdam, Ramban (Nachmanides) discusses at length whether and why it is appropriate to grieve and cry when someone passes away.

Ramban begins by describing two types of people. The first type of person is always cheerful. He doesn’t worry about what will happen tomorrow and is generally optimistic, expecting things to go well for no special reason.

“[This type of person is] satisfied with his lot in life, as long as he has what he needs. When things go well he sings and rejoices; when he experiences poverty, he drinks in order to forget [his distress].”

The second type of person is a gloomy pessimist; even when things are going well he’s miserable and anxious about what comes next, and is always moaning and complaining.

“He despises his life and is fed up with it and everything precious in it. When things are joyful he thinks back to times of mourning; when things look hopeful he despairs. He will sooner weep than rejoice — in fact, he rejects joyfulness in favor of sorrow and sighing. He predicts nothing but evil will happen, and the more knowledge he gains, the more he suffers and the less he achieves.”

Neither of these extremes is good or correct. Excessive optimism (based on a happy-go-lucky nature rather than on trust in Hashem) is simply foolish and naïve and makes people lazy and complacent. Pessimism — seeing the world as irredeemably gloomy — is certainly incorrect, given that Hashem watches over the world and guides everything with kindness, justice, and mercy.

“’Everything originates from the Master of all things, and He is good and does good to all.’ And His ways are secrets that remain hidden ... for few are those who become wise.”

Next, Ramban turns to the question of why people cry over the passing of their loved ones. After all, everyone knows that ultimately, death catches up with us all. Every single day we move closer to death. We might cry if a vase breaks, as it wasn’t supposed to happen. But we don’t cry when we finish eating a bowl of ice cream — we knew that it was going to be eaten.

“Why do people gather for the dead, to mourn and weep, when the living know they will die? ... And the answer to this is that human nature is to live forever. It is only due to the sin [of Adam Harishon] that we were marked for slaughter. Therefore they tremble, for they are about to diverge from their nature.”

Man was created to be eternal and this sense is embedded in our souls. This is the real reason why we grieve over the dead — because dying is unnatural. Death is a tragedy!

“That said,” continues Ramban, “I have observed and understand that in the Torah there is no prohibition on mourning and no commandment regarding consolation. The Torah has not prohibited [mourning] for the dead, only cutting oneself and making oneself bald [pulling out one’s hair as a sign of grief]. The Torah does not warn against weeping nor does it disparage sighing.” We are permitted to mourn over the dead, as long as we do not go to the extreme of damaging our bodies as an expression of mourning.

“And it is appropriate for us to understand that mourning can actually constitute serving Hashem, in specific ways.” Mourning and crying are beneficial to serving the Creator. How so? Often, via his mourning, a person reminds himself that he too will die, as Ramban writes: “He will lament and consider what his end will be.” This is why the Torah tells us that “it is better to go to a house of mourning than to go to a house of feasting, for that is the end of all men, and the living should take it to heart.”

Likewise, if mourning brings a person to self-reflection and to repenting his sins, it is certainly appropriate for him to weep and mourn. Therefore, if a person in a state of grief resolves not to display his feelings and to refrain from mourning entirely, this is a net loss. “If a person suffers and hardens his heart, this is absolutely evil.” Even the great Sages of Israel wept and mourned at the passing of their loved ones.

“In this area, being stoical is actually rebellious whereas succumbing to one’s feelings leads to repentance.”

Ramban cites the Greek philosophers, such as Socrates, who declared that there is no need for a person to weep or mourn and no benefit in doing so. According to their way of thinking, grief is inappropriate for an “enlightened” person, because the whole world is vanity and emptiness. The Torah condemns this approach, as Ramban writes: “There are many sayings from Greek philosophers and others who pride themselves on their wisdom, extolling stoicism and encouraging people to rejoice without cause. They discount the future and turn their backs on the past. Socrates, the wise man of the gentiles, said: They asked me why they never saw me sad, and I replied: ‘Because I have nothing that I would be sad to lose.’ And he also said: ‘Whoever is familiar with the world will not rejoice in its good nor worry about its evil.’ And they pitied the person who worries at all. And Socrates also said: ‘How deluded is the person who knows he will depart from the world yet strives to remain in it.’ And there are many more such statements from him and his fellow philosophers.”

In the Book of Ecclesiastes, King Solomon repeatedly stresses the emptiness and vanity of this world, and yet, Ramban writes, “He continued to investigate and distinguish between good and evil, between truth and falsehood, and he commanded that a person be happy on a good day, and shed tears on a bad day.” It is appropriate to grieve over adverse events, as long as one has no complaints against Hashem, whose actions are all just. This we see with Job, who suffered great torments and “tore his garments and wept and mourned in all manners of mourning. [But on the other hand] he blessed his judge, saying: ‘Hashem gave, and Hashem has taken away; blessed be the name of Hashem.’”

Therefore, Ramban concludes, people should not be stoical and cold, resolving not to feel pain at the passing of one’s loved ones; nor should they allow themselves to be carried away by excessive grief. Rather, grief should be balanced and under a person’s control. “This is the way of the Torah, which leads a person out from darkness into light ... And Hashem, whose wrath we fear, and whose will is a shield and protection, may He soon rebuild our Holy Temple and fulfill the verse that states: ‘He will swallow up death forever, and Hashem will wipe away the tears from all faces, and the reproach of His people He will take away from all the earth, for Hashem has spoken.’”

* Also known as Samaritans, the Cutheans were a non-Jewish people who settled in the Samaria region of the Land of Israel. While they ostensibly converted to Judaism, in practice they continued to worship idols.