It's All in the Mind

One of the essential elements of quality of life is not being stuck in a particular mindset or perception. Various chronic physical problems that people have, such as chronic colds, allergies, different body aches, etc., lead us to the thought that since we have had them for many years, we are destined to live with them. Similarly, prolonged negative relationships with relatives often result in the belief that nothing will help and we are doomed to continue as is.

This perception suggests that there is no hope, no chance for change, and our lives will continue this way, often accompanied by the phrase: "What can you do?! That's life."

Judaism teaches a different approach. At the end of the year, Hashem tells us that if we haven't managed to amend our actions yet, we have the opportunity to change many things before we reach the Day of Judgment, which is Rosh Hashanah. Hashem forgives, pardons, allows us new beginnings, changes of approach, and the building of new relationships with ourselves, with others, and with our bodies. Even in the most challenging situations, our sages said: "Even if a sharp sword lies on a person's neck, he should not refrain from mercy" (Berachot 10a). This message is significant for our personal lives – we should not get stuck in the belief that we can't change and "this is life." It is possible and necessary to decide to change our approach. Everything depends on our choice. If we decide to change – things will change. We can choose to break free from diseases we believe are incurable, change our approach to people we've been angry with, and of course, change our outlook on life in general.

The fundamental Jewish perspective is that abundance and blessing are bestowed upon us at every moment, as it is written: "in His goodness renews the act of creation every day continually" (Morning Blessings, ‘Kriyat Shema’). Only we, in our fixation, block ourselves from being open to abundance. We must decide to open ourselves to this infinite abundance, which gives a chance for change to occur.    

Changing the Mindset – Challenging but Rewarding

Many things can delay and block us: fear of change, fear of being healthy, and more. Sometimes, when we are ill or limited, we receive special attention from those around us. It is clear that if we decide to change and make an effort to take responsibility for ourselves – we will lose that.

A while back, I treated a forty-year-old man with Bach flowers who experienced trauma as a child, and his life came to a standstill since then. From his perspective, the story began when he was in first grade. As a child, he loved talking, much to his teachers' discontent. He remembered his teacher yelling at him in a way that deeply humiliated him, and since then, he claimed, he stopped speaking. Although he believed that this incident led to his current emotional and functional state, it was clear to me that this episode wasn't the turning point in his life but just the fragile tip of the iceberg. For years, he was very introverted, spoke little, and began developing depression and fears. Gradually he started taking psychiatric medications and faced hospitalizations, becoming the central axis of his life. He didn't marry, didn't work, and spent his days at home aimlessly.  

Our meeting took place when he wanted to quit smoking. When I asked him if he really wanted to quit, his answer was that it was mostly his family doctor who wished for it after blood tests showed he needed to stop poisoning himself. When I asked why he personally did not want to quit smoking, he didn’t have a clear answer. Through a deep process during treatment, it could be summarized that he was in a conflict – on one hand, he wanted to be healthy, but on the other, he feared it. Returning to the light was very intimidating. Darkness was familiar; light was not.. Until now, he hadn't taken responsibility for his life. Everyone else worried about him. The unconscious fear was that as soon as he recovered, naturally, fewer people would be around him, and he would have to take responsibility for his life again. This is a significant and critical decision, and it is not simple at all.

The therapy process was prolonged, with the goal of releasing him from fear, helping him open up to the light, strengthening his self-confidence, and easing his ability to take responsibility for himself.

The treatment was done using Bach flower essences and awareness work (while he continued to take his psychiatric medications). In the awareness work, we worked on his readiness to step out of the circle he was in and decide that the light was not so scary. He received small and easy tasks to perform, and when he experienced success, he realized that the light wasn't beyond his reach. Thus, we could raise the bar and move on to larger tasks. Additionally, we integrated his skills in the field of art, where he also underwent a process of becoming acquainted with the light. Gradually, one could see in his artwork – lines of light pushing away the darkness. He began leaving his house and even took a job for several hours during the day.  

There Is No Perfect, and It’s Not Shameful

One of the critical principles in treatment is understanding that every person came into this world to complete a certain deficiency, and there is no shame in that. Our feelings, coming from within the soul, guide us to the right places. We must listen to them, give them space, and believe the inner truth emerging from us. Most of us tend to prefer the intellect as the guiding force in our lives rather than giving feelings a place to guide us. Nonetheless, alongside the importance of listening to feelings, we must use intellect as a critique to ensure that what we feel is not mere deceptive imagination.

Sometimes patients refuse to listen to their feelings and to notice events hinting at the need for change. The result is that they avoid continuing treatment, as treatment implies creating commitment.

A man came to me for treatment, requesting his wife join him since she could better explain his condition. I agreed, but this request caught my attention. He began telling his story but soon passed the baton to his wife.

He was an engineer in a factory working in his field. He was not satisfied at work as there were many tensions between him and his superiors. He couldn't achieve satisfactory quality results, struggled with concentration difficulties, seasonal transition allergies, and generally found life difficult. It turned out that he had been dissatisfied at work for many years but didn’t consider alternative employment. The place was familiar to him and he didn’t wish to change it, though he wasn’t happy. For years his employers wanted to promote him and give him responsibility, but he wasn’t interested. It also turned out that he had experienced two severe traumas in his life. His first two wives passed away, and he was left with two children from his first wife, carrying overwhelming responsibility. He indeed remarried a third time, but now he couldn’t take responsibility in any area at home. His wife organized and arranged everything for him. This explained why he needed his wife to come and tell his personal story. It also became clear that he had difficulty and fear in making decisions because decision-making involves taking responsibility and sometimes requires changing things.

I tried to find a common denominator rising from all story elements to understand the correction and change he needed to make in his personal conduct. We concluded that the common denominator relates to the difficulty of standing alone against life, taking responsibility, and making necessary changes, as transitions were hard for him. This definition relates to all life junctures and his life in general, and it even explains allergies during transitions. His wife deeply connected with the treatment process, and he also agreed to start changing. We began treatment using Bach flower essences and awareness work, especially concerning the willingness to take responsibility and deal with changes. But, here awaited me a surprise – he decided to stop coming to treatments. It turned out that when he understood he was going to enter a path that would require him to step out of his current circle and build a new circle of life, he preferred the familiar and known over the new and surprising. This was although it could have been promising.

This person therefore chose not to listen to himself, even though the voices coming from his soul were not just feelings but screams.   

We Can

Sometimes our self-esteem is low, and we feel small in our own eyes, akin to what the spies said when they came to assess the Land of Israel: is it good or bad – "and there we saw the giants, the sons of Anak, of the giants, and we were like grasshoppers in our own eyes, and so we were in their eyes." Meaning, because our perception of ourselves was "and we were like grasshoppers in our own eyes," therefore "and so we were in their eyes," that is, they too regarded us that way.The environment accurately senses how we feel about ourselves, and it treats us accordingly.

One of the patients declared to me at the beginning of the treatment that her marriage was in a "crash" process. Her husband left home, and she did not see any solution. During the conversation, it emerged that she always felt inferior to her "great" husband, who holds a senior position in his field, while she is "just a housewife." I asked her if there were other periods in her life where she faced crossroads with people she felt small against. Her answer was affirmative. We saw that by perceiving herself in a certain way, she attracted strong, assertive people into her life, who justified her inferior pattern in her eyes. After reaching a breaking point and beginning to feel injustice in the dismissive treatment from those close to her, mainly her husband, she entered a conflict with herself: would she forever remain small in her own eyes, or was it time to grow? The purpose of the treatment was to help her change her image in her own eyes and decide to "grow." This led to new respect and appreciation towards her.

In the treatment, we used various essences and reinforced self-identity through awareness work. Through the encounters, she felt her presence was more respected by those around her and by her husband, and indeed, gradually he returned home.

The examples presented are relevant to each of us. Our lives are filled with junctions and conflicts that confront us with questions about our life's path, our self-conduct, our interactions with others, and our worldview. The question of our life is: will we prefer to stay in the same place, or perhaps we will ask ourselves what abundance awaits at the door and open it?

Elijah Shechter - A multidisciplinary therapist integrating body and soul in his treatments.