Pain and Memory: How to Cope Emotionally with this Difficult Day

The Memorial Day for Israel's Fallen Soldiers and Victims of Terrorism is one of the most complex days in the Israeli calendar. It is a day where personal and national pain converge, and many of us experience powerful feelings of grief, sorrow, longing, and unity. For bereaved families, it is an especially challenging day, but for the entire Israeli society, it evokes complex emotions and unearths anxieties.

The Psychological Impact of Memorial Day

Memorial Day affects us on various levels:

On a personal level – those who have lost a loved one in Israeli conflicts or terrorist acts experience a renewed surge of grief and sorrow on this day. The ceremonies and massive media presence bring the loss back to the forefront of consciousness.

On a community level – even those who have not personally experienced bereavement may feel emotional difficulty, especially in a reality where many know a bereaved family or community that has lost sons and daughters.

On a national level – the public atmosphere, media broadcasts, and official ceremonies create a heavy atmosphere that affects us all, even if we are not fully aware of it.

Common Emotional Reactions to Memorial Day

Many people report a variety of emotional reactions on Memorial Day:

Sorrow and Mourning – a sense of heaviness and sadness over the personal and collective loss.

Anxiety – especially during times of security tension, Memorial Day can amplify existing anxieties.

Sense of Belonging – a feeling of unity with the community and the nation.

Sense of Meaning – understanding the high price paid for the existence of the state.

Emotional Exhaustion – fatigue resulting from the heavy emotional burden.

Guilt – especially for those who are not bereaved families, feeling that they are not mourning "enough".

Coping Strategies for Bereaved Families

For families who have lost their loved ones, Memorial Day poses a unique challenge. How do these families cope with the difficult day?

Acceptance of the emotional spectrum – legitimizing the entire range of emotions that arise, including anger, guilt, sadness, or even moments of joy and comfort.

Planning ahead – many find comfort in planning the day's schedule: which ceremonies to attend, when to visit the grave, with whom to spend the difficult hours.

Balance between privacy and publicness – some families prefer to mourn privately, while others find comfort in public sharing. Both are legitimate.

Support groups – various organizations offer support groups that provide a safe space for sharing and a deep sense of understanding.

Professional support – psychologists and therapists specializing in grief and bereavement can be particularly helpful during this period.

Personal ceremonies – creating personal and family rituals alongside official ceremonies can provide a sense of control and meaning.

Rabbi Zamir Cohen offers words of encouragement and solace to bereaved families. Watch

Ways for the General Public to Cope

Even those who are not part of a bereaved family may experience emotional difficulty on Memorial Day. How does the general public cope with the difficult day?

Recognizing the difficulty – legitimizing the feelings that arise on this day, even if they are complex or confusing.

Participating in ceremonies – memorial ceremonies provide a framework for expressing difficult emotions and allow for a sense of connection and community.

Limiting media exposure – if the heavy content in the media is overwhelming, it is permissible to limit exposure and choose which content to consume.

Listening to the stories of the fallen – getting to know the personal stories of the fallen gives meaning to Memorial Day beyond numbers and statistics.

Volunteering – Supporting bereaved families or memorial organizations can provide a sense of meaning and contribution.

Finding balance – navigating the space between ignoring the difficult day and emotional overwhelm and complete surrender to mourning.

How to Support Bereaved Families?

Many of us know bereaved families and do not always know how to support them on Memorial Day. Here are some helpful and comforting tips:

Being present – simply being available is significant, even if it's through a simple message saying "I am thinking of you today".

Mentioning the fallen's name – many bereaved worry that their loved one's name will be forgotten. Mentioning their name and something you cherished about them can be comforting.

Respecting their choices – some families prefer solitude on this day, while others need company. Ask and respect their wishes.

Offering concrete help – specific offers ("I will cook you dinner," "I can drive you to the ceremony") are preferred over a general "how can I help?".

Children's Ways of Coping with Memorial Day

Children experience Memorial Day differently, depending on their age and understanding – how can we ease their way of dealing with the difficult day?

Age-appropriate explanations – explain the significance of the day in a way that matches the child's age, without overwhelming them with information and emotions they cannot process.

Listening to questions – children sometimes ask difficult questions. It is important to listen and answer honestly, in a way that suits their level of understanding.

Giving space for emotions – legitimizing any emotion that arises in the child, whether it's fear, sadness, confusion, or even indifference.

Incorporating creative activities – drawing, writing, or creating can help children express emotions that are difficult to put into words.

Maintaining routine – especially for young children, routine provides security. Memorial ceremonies can be integrated into a secure framework of routine.

The Sharp Transition to Independence Day

One of Israel's unique challenges is the sharp transition from Memorial Day to Independence Day – how can we ease the challenging transition?

Giving legitimacy to difficulty – transitioning from mourning to celebration within minutes is emotionally challenging, and it's okay to feel ambivalent.

Gradual transition – some choose to make a gradual transition: attending the torch lighting ceremony and only then entering the festive mood.

Seeing the symbolism – the sharp transition symbolizes the deep connection between bereavement and resilience in the Israeli story.

Respecting every choice – some bereaved families choose not to celebrate Independence Day, while others see a significant reason to celebrate. Both choices are legitimate.

When to Seek Professional Help?

Sometimes, the difficulty around Memorial Day requires professional intervention – how do we know when it is recommended to seek therapy?

When the grief persists intensely without change – if years have passed and the pain has not eased at all.

When daily life is affected – if the difficulty spreads far beyond Memorial Day itself and impairs daily functioning.

When suicidal thoughts appear – this is a clear sign of the need for immediate help.

When destructive behavior develops – increased use of alcohol, drugs, or other risky behaviors.

The Power of Unity

Despite the difficulty, Memorial Day bears uplifting aspects:

Sense of Belonging – this day highlights the deep connection among all parts of Israeli society.

Meaning – the shared memory gives meaning to the heavy loss.

Values – Memorial Day reminds us of values of sacrifice, brotherhood, and love of the homeland that sometimes wear thin in daily routine.

The real challenge is finding the balance between pain, memory, and life – to remember the fallen, honor their families, and continue building the society and state for which they sacrificed their lives.

Memorial Day is a day of pain, but also of unity and connection. Thanks to the people who gave their lives for the country, we can continue to live, and perhaps this is the best way to honor their memory – to live meaningful and value-filled lives, and to build a better society.