How Would Your Life Look With More Self-Confidence?

How would your life look if you had more self-confidence? Would you be more successful in relationships? Attend more job interviews? Would you be happier?

Self-confidence is defined in the dictionary as "a person's belief in their ability to succeed in their actions, in the correctness of their path or of their decisions," but this narrow definition does not effectively represent the complexity of this trait and its central role in various areas of life.

How is self-confidence built (or not built)?

Imagine the following situation: a two-year-old toddler tries to build a tower of blocks, which quickly collapses. The toddler bursts into frustrated tears, and his mother hastens to comfort him and build the tower for him. Although the toddler calms down quickly and moves on to the next game, he misses the most significant value of his first architectural project: the experience of success and self-ability.

The experience of ability and self-confidence is built through a child's experiences in his environment, and the feedback received from significant figures in his life. In the early years, the child's achievements are mainly organized around motor skills achievements, and naturally, most parents respond with enthusiasm to the toddler's first steps, drawings, increased control with utensils, and so on. Thus, the toddler's increased sense of agency (often expressed in the insistence on doing everything on his own) is accompanied by environmental feedback, which strengthens and supports this feeling. Consequently, the toddler gains confidence to try new things which further strengthens trust in himself.

Children differ in their tendency to try new experiences or challenges, but when a parent's responses are adapted to the child's temperament and balance between protection and encouragement - self-confidence is built. In contrast, when successes are met with indifference or contempt ("Why not 100?") or failures are met with criticism and severity, or when the child is overprotected without the freedom to experiment, the experience of self-confidence may impaired, following the child into adulthood.

Despite the important role of the close environment in building self-confidence, the broader social and cultural environment we grow up in also has a significant impact. It's easy to imagine, for example, the blow to the self-confidence of a girl who grows up in a supportive and nurturing home but consistently receives conflicting messages due to her minority group (ridicule or rejection in kindergarten, negative messages in the media) or even because of her gender ("You wouldn't understand, this is for boys").

How is self-confidence maintained (or harmed)?

How many times have you felt that you failed an interview, meeting, or another situation, not due to a lack of skills, but due to low self-confidence? You want the job, you are confident in your professional abilities but can't get rid of thoughts such as "I'm sure I won't succeed," "they surely want someone with a completely different personality," and so on. These feelings and thoughts lead to tension and insecurity, and you leave the interview without being able to showcase your abilities.

Childhood experiences and environmental messages do not directly affect self-confidence but through the belief systems built from them. These beliefs are often irrational and exaggerated and may pertain to oneself ("I have no chance," "I'm not good enough"), expectations of oneself ("I have to succeed in everything," "Anyone who doesn't pass an interview is just a failure"), or more general topics ("Girls only want guys with money," "You need to look really good to pass a job interview"). Such perceptions may lead to a variety of inefficient behavioral patterns, such as increased stress, avoidance ("I'm not going to succeed anyway, so why bother?") and unnatural behavior (shyness, exaggerated arrogance), which lead to failure, and then reinforce the lack of confidence and unhealthy beliefs.

Damage to self-confidence can also be caused by life changes that undermine self-perception, or emotional and psychological difficulties, such as divorce, childbirth, unemployment, injury, etc. which may change the way we are accustomed to seeing ourselves. For instance, a breakup may shake the confidence of a person who is used to seeing themselves as highly capable of maintaining relationships, or as "someone who always succeeds." The more the event affects a more significant and central area of a person's life, the greater the likelihood it will result in decreased self-confidence. Losing a job, for example, may have a more extreme impact on a successful career woman or a primary family breadwinner than on a student who waits tables occasionally.

A wide variety of emotional and psychological difficulties such as depression, anxiety, schizophrenia, and bipolar disorder may damage self-confidence and self-worth: the difficulty itself is often accompanied by a change in self-perception ("How can a strong person like me suffer from anxiety?", "No one wants to connect with a depressive person"), and the emotional and interpersonal challenges may also undermine self-confidence.

How to Improve Self-Confidence?

"Just be yourself".

"Come relaxed, it'll be okay".

"Remind yourself of your worth".

If you struggle with low self-confidence, it's likely you've heard or told yourself these statements more than once. As you likely noticed, it's not easy to improve self-confidence, but it can be done in several ways:

Identifying Ineffective Thought Patterns: Lack of confidence often results from ineffective perceptions and beliefs about oneself or environmental expectations. Identifying these ineffective patterns may help neutralize them, so it's a good idea to identify these patterns and try to understand when and how they affect you.

Expanding Experiences and Reducing Avoidance Patterns: Lack of confidence often leads to avoidance, which exacerbates lack of confidence. It's beneficial to move forward even in intimidating situations (dates, job interviews, public speaking), despite a lack of confidence.

Addressing Objective Difficulties: While self-confidence is influenced by inner feelings, it is often associated with objective difficulties, such as learning disabilities that harm self-worth, lack of social skills, and so on. In these cases, it's important to address not only the lack of self-confidence but also the root of the problem.

Professional Help: The saying "easy to say, hard to do" is most fitting for the issue of self-confidence, as it is difficult to change thought and behavior patterns that have developed over many years. If lack of confidence causes distress and affects various life aspects, it may be worth seeking professional guidance. Individual psychological therapy may help process the causes of lack of confidence and identify and neutralize thought and behavior patterns that maintain and increase it. However, it's important to remember that lack of confidence doesn't always appear as an overall trait covering various life situations. Some people may have reasonable or high confidence in the professional and academic realm, for instance, but lack confidence in the social or romantic realm. In these cases, sometimes a brief and focused consultation or personal coaching can help.

Orly Samira is a psychotherapist and therapist in the Chashan department

The Chashan Department - Peace of Home, Child Education, Peace of Mind offers therapists nationwide. Consultation can be received by ZOOM.

The consultation involves a fee.

It's important to me, I want to consult! Call 073-3333-101, or contact via email chayas@htv.co.i