Efforts for Others – Reveal or Conceal?

The Situation

Yossi couldn't believe his eyes. On the shelf in the small and remote bookstore lay the coveted book, new and beautiful. He read the writing on the shiny cover again and again, to ensure his eyes weren't deceiving him. This is the book he's been searching for! For several days, he had been running from one bookstore to another, unsuccessfully trying to find the book that his wife Tamar had been asking about. He had already visited six or seven stores, and everywhere he received a similar response: "Sorry, the book is sold out". He almost gave up but decided to try just one more time at this distant shop. Yossi paid and left the store with a nice bag containing the wrapped book. On his way home, he wondered: "Will Tamar know how much effort I put into getting the book she so badly wanted? She surely won't know unless I tell her. Should I tell her? She will surely appreciate my dedication and my desire to make her happy." A few moments later, Yossi thought to himself, "Maybe she will feel uncomfortable?" Yossi was conflicted; let's try to help him.

Answer

Every person should reflect on why they choose to share a good deed they have done. If they are seeking honor or want to boast about what they did, it's better to overcome that urge and keep the actions discreet. In cases where it's clear that the intention is for the good of the other person, the Gemara says, "Rav said: One who gives a gift to another should inform them." And why? The Gemara explains – to increase love. Thus, it's necessary to exercise judgment to know whether knowledge of the effort put into the gift would make the recipient feel burdened or would increase love between them. How can one know? We'll present two principles to assist: A. When it's a small effort, people are generally glad to hear that someone made an effort for them, as it expresses love. When the effort crosses a certain boundary, it may create discomfort for the recipient. B. Sometimes, merely informing someone that effort was made for them is a "gift in a bitter wrapping". A woman would want others to be happy for fulfilling her wishes, and not to be given the sense a great sacrifice was made. The idea of "the giver of a gift should inform" is that the gift expresses love, so there is no reason to hide this, but this doesn't require the degree of sacrifice made for the other. To ensure a positive feeling, it's important to pay attention to the way things are said. There's no need to dramatically describe the "ordeal" the giver went through to fulfill their wish, but rather to describe it with eagerness and positivity.

Weekly Exercise for the Family

This week, we will strive to do acts of kindness for others. Consider if you should disclose the kindness, or if it's better to remain quiet about it.

From the book "The Duty of Man in His World – Issues of Morality and Character for the Whole Family". To purchase books from the series, visit Hidabroot Shops or call 073-222-1250