Performing Acts of Kindness: Balancing Home and Community

The Case Study

If you visit the Palm Neighborhood at the edge of the city and ask the local residents if they know Rabbi Levi, most of them will light up and say with excitement: "Rabbi Levi? What a precious person! A true man of kindness! He is always running around, encouraging, fixing, visiting the sick, comforting mourners, helping those in need, and bringing joy to people. It's unbelievable that a single person can do so much. Our neighborhood is unimaginable without him!" Rabbi Levi is indeed a very busy man. He usually comes home late and doesn’t have time to lend a helping hand. Sometimes he wonders: "Is it okay that I don’t help at my own home while I assist so many other families? My wife runs our home efficiently, and even without my help, the house will function. But in other places where I help, there is no one else who can do it." Rabbi Levi’s dilemma is relevant to all of us. Which kindness is more important—kindness at home or outside?

Answer

The rules of priority regarding charity apply to all types of kindness. As our sages have said: "Those who are closest come first." This principle establishes that when faced with several simultaneous options for helping others, one must prioritize assistance to their relatives. Therefore, kindness towards one's family, especially parents, takes precedence over other acts of kindness. The true test of kindness is how one behaves with their relatives, not with others.

This is noted by Rabbi Shlomo Wolbe zt"l (in the Guide for Grooms): "There are people who are generous in their kindness to the entire world, yet they forget or ignore to be kind to their household. Such a person, after 120 years, may joyfully anticipate a reward for their many merits, but they must be aware that in heaven it will also be checked how they treated their wife, their children, whether they showed kindness to them or ignored them and did not share the burden with their wife. This form of kindness defines their judgment, and none of the monumental kindness done with others will be remembered."

There are women who believe that being charitable means exclusively helping the needy: collecting clothes for the poor and money for the destitute, opening their homes for communal charities, baking, and cooking for all joyful occasions, being the first in every act of kindness and helping others. While these mitzvot are important, one must not forget their household, to whom they owe responsibilities as a homemaker, as a mother in Israel. A woman's household comes first, and if because of her extensive charitable acts, her children are neglected, her home is disorganized or her husband does not receive proper care or warmth, this does not bring joy before Hashem.

We recommend that Rabbi Levi discuss the issue with his wife to find a balanced approach to his activities both in and outside the home. On one hand, one should not focus solely on the family and forget about helping others, but on the other hand, it must be understood that the family comes first. One must examine whether their outside acts of kindness come at the expense of their home, or in addition to it.

Weekly Family Exercise

Many acts of kindness done at home are routine and lack the intention of chesed. This week, try to perform these actions with a sense of kindness.

From the book "The Duty of Man in His World - Matters of Ethics and Morals for the Whole Family." To purchase the series’ books, visit Hidabroot Shops or call 073-222-1250.