We All Want Compliments- Why Is It So Hard to Give Them?

We all long to be recognized by others, whether it’s our boss appreciating the quality of our work, our children noticing how much we've invested in them, our spouse acknowledging what we’ve done for them, or a friend validating who we truly are.

We crave compliments, praise, and appreciation. But when it comes to giving them ourselves, we’re not always so generous.

To understand what truly holds us back, we must first examine a fundamental misunderstanding we often carry about our own successes.

If I believe that all the successful outcomes of my efforts are solely mine, it becomes much harder to genuinely compliment someone else. Especially if, in areas where I failed, they succeeded.

When you take full credit for your own success, others naturally become your competition. And some of them will eventually outperform you, which will be hard to accept, let alone celebrate.

When we understand that there’s no direct link between our actions and the outcomes- that the results are not in our hands- it becomes easier to accept “failure” and let go of ego when someone else shines. Our job is the effort. We do our best, but the outcome is not ours to claim or blame.

We are merely vessels through which G-d expresses His will. The more we internalize this mindset, the easier it is to handle our own perceived failures and to separate our identity from outcomes.

When someone succeeds in an act of kindness toward us or in a personal achievement, they have been granted siyata dishmaya, divine assistance. Sometimes, G-d uses others to bring good into our lives. That alone is worthy of our praise and gratitude.

If someone accomplishes something, their success is not a show of superiority but a revelation of divine guidance.

If your colleague was named “Employee of the Year,” they don't only bring honor to themselves, but they boost the value of the company that you are a part of. You too benefit from their moment.

If someone overcomes a challenge, there is also divine support at play. Praise them and thank them. Because through them, you witnessed G-d’s hand in action.

If your spouse made dinner or drove you somewhere, they weren’t simply being nice- they aligned themselves with G-d’s will and became His messenger to bring you goodness. When you thank them, you’re essentially thanking G-d for sending you care through them.

As our sages teach: “The world was created for me.” Everyone around you was placed there to benefit you- some openly, some in more concealed ways. The sages taught that merit is brought through the meritorious, and harm through those already inclined to it.

When someone acts for your benefit- even unknowingly- thank them. By doing so you're thanking G-d for the good that reached you through them. And if someone treated you unfairly, thank them too, silently. They are also carrying out divine will designed to teach you something that will serve you in the future.

The desire and ability to praise and thank others stems from the deep awareness that people around us are fulfilling G-d’s will to do good for us.

Next time you have a chance to thank someone, do it with that in mind!

Inbal Elhayani, M.A, is a certified therapist in NLP, mindfulness, and guided imagery.