How to Speak So Others Will Listen

In the previous article, we focused on really listening to the other person. Now, it’s your turn to speak. Sometimes the follow-up conversation can happen another day, but if you notice the person is in a good mood, let them know—gently—that just as you listened to them, you’d appreciate it if they could now listen to you without judgment.

If they’re open to it, share your thoughts respectfully. Use kind, gentle language. Talk about how you feel rather than pointing fingers or assigning blame. When the time feels right, you can start offering ideas for solutions that might work for both of you.

Keep having these conversations at a pace that feels natural. This process can take time—maybe even years—but it’s worth it. Over time, you’ll likely start to see more mutual understanding, acceptance, and real closeness. You may find that the less religious partner accepts the more religious one as they are, and vice versa—and that kind of acceptance opens the door to true, shared spiritual growth.

The Power of Trust

It’s human nature to trust people only after they’ve proven themselves. But people need trust in order to grow into their potential. When nobody believes in someone, it damages their self-confidence—and they might not even try to improve.

Which comes first—trust or trustworthiness? Should we wait until someone “deserves” our trust, or give them a chance to earn it by trusting them first? The answer is: both. We need to offer trust upfront—even just a little—so that the person has something to build on. This is true in parenting too- if a parent constantly hovers over their child and never lets them try things on their own, the child won’t develop confidence or responsibility.

Think about how much more powerful it is to say, “I trust you to behave while I’m gone,” rather than, “I’m leaving someone to keep an eye on you so you don’t make a mess.” The first message gives the child the chance to rise to the occasion.

The same applies in adult relationships—between spouses, between parents and grown children. If we’re always sending messages like, “Don’t feed the kids anything non-kosher,” or “I heard you skipped synagogue,” what we’re really saying is, “I don’t trust you.” That kind of control doesn’t build connection, but creates distance.

If we’re struggling to trust someone, it helps to pause and ask: Why? What’s really going on? Try to understand their perspective, and keep in mind that real trust means we don’t micromanage or second-guess everything. We trust that things will be okay.

Of course, if you have concerns, it’s okay to quietly have a backup plan. But don’t stop trusting, even if things don’t go exactly as expected. Trust gives the other person the encouragement to grow.

If a person can’t feel trusted by their own partner or parent, who will trust them?

From the book "One Family, Two Opinions - Coping with Differences in Levels of Religiosity," by Roni Dayan.