How to Cope with Spiritual Differences at Home

Hashem made us all different, with unique thoughts and ideas, so that we’d work to connect despite our differences. That effort—compromising a little, being flexible, and finding common ground—is what makes shared life meaningful. When someone can make decisions they’re happy about and that work for those around them, it's a real win. But to get there, we need to be open to change.

Having a real conversation means building a bridge between two people who see the world differently. This is only possible when each person truly listens and shares their own views openly. We're often afraid to have these conversations because we worry that bringing up certain topics will stir up hidden tensions or lead to conflict. But issues don’t just disappear when we ignore them—they simply remain supressed and then resurface in the form of frustration, bitterness, or irritability. These feelings may seem like they’re about something else, but they’re often tied to unresolved issues in the relationship.

It’s important not to let unspoken issues damage the healthy parts of our relationships. We do need to address them—but in a calm and constructive way.

Discuss difficult subjects only at specific, agreed-upon times so that they don't spill into every moment. The remainder of the time, focus on strengthening your connection and shared experiences. If you need to bring up something sensitive, choose a peaceful moment. Take the initiative, gently raise the topic, and then give your partner space to speak. Keep in mind that your role is to listen—not to judge, argue, offer advice, or jump in with solutions. Think of it as if you're interviewing them, just to understand their perspective.

Here are some examples of how that might sound:

• “Can you explain more about what worries you regarding my spiritual path?”

• “So you’re saying you’re concerned about the kids’ friends at school?”

• “Tell me how it feels for you to be at synagogue—do you feel encouraged? Enjoyment? A sense of peace?”

You might wonder: What’s the point of just listening if I don’t offer any advice or solutions? Actually, listening like this is incredibly powerful. It builds trust and respect, even if you don’t agree with everything being said. When someone feels heard, they naturally become less defensive.

If the other person doesn’t seem willing to open up, show them in every possible way that you genuinely care. If that still doesn’t help, suggest bringing in a third party such as a rabbi, counselor, or trusted friend—to help them feel more comfortable sharing. In these types of conversations, painful things may surface, but remain strong and listen anyway. Remember that what you’re hearing is emotional “baggage” being unpacked. You don’t have to agree with it, but it’s important to show that you care and that their feelings matter to you.

When someone sees that you’re truly interested in them and that they matter to you, they’ll want to spend more time with you. As trust builds, they’ll begin to invite you into their inner world—and that is a real gift.

From the book "One Family, Two Opinions - Coping with Differences in Levels of Religiosity" by Roni Dayan.