Separating Human Essence from Opinions: How to Resolve Conflicts?

When we want to resolve conflicts between people, we must work through our negative feelings towards them.

How do we do this?

Through conversation, listening, and examining our own mistakes, which are important tools to reduce resentment and hatred. According to Jewish thought, it is very important to separate a person's opinions from their essence. Even if we disagree with their opinions, we must love them as a human being. We may not tolerate someone because we can't accept certain traits they have or we don't like their appearance. But as most of us can agree it’s not fair to judge someone by their appearance, we can understand that judging people by their choices or behavior can also be superficial. The fact that a person is created in the image of Hashem is enough for us to accept them.

There is never a justification to hate a person. We can condemn their actions, but never hate the person themselves.

An example of love and connection between people with different opinions is found in Pirkei Avot, in the Mishnah differentiating between the dispute of Korach and his assembly and the dispute of Hillel and Shammai (Avot 5:17). Korach and his assembly rebelled against Moses, driven by their desire for power and honor. They didn't care about truth or what was best for the people- they only wanted leadership for themselves. Our Sages therefore said that their dispute would not endure, because arguments based on selfish interests don't lead to anything meaningful. In contrast, the dispute between Hillel and Shammai did not stem from hatred or personal interests but was a matter-of-fact difference of opinions, aiming to explore the truth, and thus "destined to endure" – it would achieve its goal. When conflict comes from respect and a desire to understand, it can build connection and lead to growth.

It's interesting to find that even though one of the areas of dispute between Beit Hillel and Beit Shammai was the kosher status of certain marriages (Yevamot 16a), Hillel's students never stopped marrying off their daughters to Shammai's students! Despite differing opinions on an important and fundamental matter with significant and broad implications, love and brotherhood prevailed between Hillel's and Shammai's followers. They did not choose the easy way – to completely prohibit marriage with families from Beit Shammai because they might be invalid according to their opinion, but rather preferred the difficult yet worthwhile way – to deal with challenges in examining the background of the intended spouse case by case, and maintain love and friendship.

This is only possible only when one knows how to separate between a person's opinion and the person themselves. You may dislike another's opinion or the fact that they are either too religious or not enough, while still continuing to love and respect them. If the person expressing their opinion seeks only intellectual truth and does not use arguments to gain personal advantage, they can be a friend and companion, an ally, and even family, despite the differences in opinions.

From the book "One Family, Two Opinions - Dealing with Differences in Levels of Religiosity," by Roni Dayan.