What Does It Really Take to Communicate Effectively?

Dozens, if not hundreds, of articles have been written about effective communication. Some focus on communication with a spouse, while others on communication between an employee and employer. Some suggest that it is important for a person to first develop their internal communication before reaching outwards, while others aim to develop skills that help us get into the mind of our conversation partner.

This article seeks to address something different, much simpler, yet simultaneously very specific, thought-provoking, and worthy of renewed reflection.

Constructive communication does not begin with sentences ending in exclamation marks. It does not place assumptions on the table and leave them, nor does it assert conclusions or assume that the truth lies on only one side.

It also does not accept everything said as "Torah from Sinai."

So what does it entail, you ask?

That's a great question, and the answer lies within it.

Constructive communication ends each sentence with a question mark, just as you did now.

There's a story of a non-Jew who approached a Jewish man and asked: "Tell me, why do you Jews always answer a question with another question?" 

The Jewish man replied: "Why not?"

By phrasing sentences as questions, we give the other person the opportunity to clarify themselves again and more precisely. It helps them refine their thoughts and helps us understand our conversation partner, rather than merely assuming that we understood, which could later lead to a "communication failure" affecting both sides.

When we respond with a question to what was said, we allow the speaker to develop in their mind other angles of thinking they may not have been aware of. By placing an exclamation mark on every sentence, we don't leave room for doubts or reflections, thus narrowing our viewpoint.

By placing a question mark at the end of every sentence and communicating through questions, we grant both our conversation partner and ourselves an open and respectful mental space. No assumption is fixed, and we can feel free and more open to ask, as everything can indeed be explored and revisited.

This is precisely why one of the four sons mentioned in the Passover Haggadah is the one who does not know how to ask. The instruction given to his conversation partner is "You shall open for him", meaning to challenge him mentally, to make him question, based on the assumption that one can and should ask and use a question mark behind every assertion to refine it.

This insight should be applied to our daily lives, and for those who disagree, or who do not know how to ask—it is necessary to "open up" for them, to provoke the question, the doubt, and help them develop new thought directions so that they can find the path to clarity and truth.

A researcher named Byron Katie developed a method called "The Work". Her method suggests that to investigate a thought, before accepting it as an absolute axiom that affects our emotions and behavior, we should place a question mark at its end.

The novelty lies in using question marks to help me communicate correctly not only with others but primarily with myself. And if I practice this first on myself and conduct an internal dialogue of this nature against what are termed my "mental fixations," I will be able to do so with others as well.

Thus, when we place a question mark at the end of each sentence and communicate in this manner, it is a sign that we are enjoying quality and healthy communication, free of communication failures, first with ourselves and then with others.

If you've read this far, it's time to return you to the beginning of the article and pose the following question to you: did you notice that we opened with a question?

Think about what it stirred in you.

Inbal Alkhayani, M.A, is a certified practitioner in NLP, mindfulness and guided imagery.