How to Overcome Sadness and Break Free from the Past: Practical Tools for Emotional Healing

In a state of low mood or sadness, when it seems that all is lost, there are ways that we can help ourselves to move through these feelings.

Positive Experience Practice

It is important to spend 3 to 7 minutes, twice a day to focus on a positive experience. This practice can be increased to three times a day, and so on.

We can check our progress to ensure that we’re moving forward, but this evaluation should only take place after a week of consistent practice. The more we can avoid focusing on results during that time and just immerse ourselves in the positive experience itself, the more likely it is that at the end of that week, we’ll notice real and meaningful change.

Forecast Rating

it is helpful to review the upcoming week’s planned activities and try to estimate how much each activity is likely to make them feel good about themselves. Next to each one, they can rate the expected positive experience on a scale from 1 to 10.

Experience shows that, in hindsight, people realize their initial estimates were significantly lower than the actual positive feelings they ended up experiencing. These low estimates are made from a state of sadness and are therefore not objective. However once the person actually engages in the activity, their mood usually lifts, and they’re able to feel more satisfied and happier than they predicted.

The more positive experiences one gathers during the week, the more they begin to believe that a better future is truly possible. Their enjoyment deepens, and the strength of those experiences increases dramatically.

Don’t Stay Stuck in the Past

Often, people stay emotionally stuck in their past. Instead of creating new, positive experiences that will naturally push aside the painful residues of yesterday, they remain focused on the past, and convince themselves that their current sadness is fully justified. Even if this is factually true, this focus will only make them sink deeper into that state.

The way to move forward from sadness or depression is by building a better present and future. The more someone can focus on what is good now, or what lies ahead, the easier it becomes to put the past in its proper perspective and to move forward with the realization that they are more than their past, and greater than the hardships they endured.

Avoid Idealizing or Mourning the Past

Many people get stuck saying things like, “If only I could change the past,” or “The good times in my life will never return.” When they say such things, they allow the past to shape their future. This is a tragic and useless mistake.

This isn’t to dismiss the value of cheshbon hanefesh (spiritual self-accounting), which is a cornerstone of Jewish ethical and Chassidic thought. The Zohar refers to such individuals as "masters of spiritual accounting".

However, if your soul-searching always leads you to feel hopeless or broken, then something is wrong. A proper and healthy cheshbon hanefesh should leave a person with hope for the future, not with heaps of despair over the past (as explained in Tanya chapter 26).

As King Solomon wrote in Proverbs 14:23: “In every sadness there should be an advantage, but idle talk leads only to poverty.” Sadness is not a virtue on its own. It only has value if it leads to growth or positive change.

Watch Out for Self-Pity

It is often easier to sink into self-pity than to rise up and take action. However, self-pity dulls your drive, numbs your potential, and keeps you from discovering who you really are. Instead of doing something about their situation, people remain in that state of victimhood. It gives them a way to escape the burden of responsibility which is the reason that it is so damaging.

To counteract this, set limits on how long you allow such thoughts to run. For instance, give yourself 30 minutes a day to reflect on the past, but for the remainder of the day, redirect your mind to focus on future goals and hopeful thoughts. Replace despair with vision.

It is also crucial to remember tthat just as being in a low mood makes you view the future pessimistically, it also distorts your memory of the past. Chances are, the past wasn’t quite as bleak as it now seems through the lens of your current mood. You probably weren’t as bad, and your failures probably weren’t as serious as they feel right now.

You may not be able to recall this in the moment of emotional pain, but keep this awareness in the background, so that in calmer moments, you can bring yourself back into balance.

Think About Others

A powerful tool is to redirect your focus to other people. When you stop obsessing about your own pain and instead make time to encourage someone else, compliment them, or help them, you begin to shift emotionally.

As you help others, you begin to feel more capable. You see that you’re not helpless and you are able to give. Once you know that, you can believe you’re worthy of receiving as well.

In the Sefer Arvei Nachal (Parashat Miketz), quoting the holy Alshich, it says: if someone is in need of Heavenly compassion, the best strategy is to do good for someone else, because when we show mercy, Heaven responds in kind.

Filling in What’s Missing

Sometimes we feel like our past robbed us of who we could have become. To work through that, make a list of the traits you believe you would have had if your past had been kinder or if your childhood had been happier. For example: more joy, patience, quickness, sociability, or emotional intelligence.

With that list in hand, ask yourself: How can I integrate those qualities into my daily life now? Even five minutes each morning focused on cultivating one trait can make a real difference. You might choose to work on patience from 7:00 to 7:05 a.m. by breathing through minor frustrations. These little steps slowly help your soul internalize a new message: I’m not bound by what was. I can still become what I was meant to be.

It won’t happen overnight, but consistent effort over several months will allow you to see your past differently or at least as something that no longer defines or limits you. This isn’t only an intellectual exercise but creates a change in your emotional reality.

Forgiveness and Letting Go

It is vital that we recognize the price we pay when we trap ourselves in the past. Holding on to it prevents us from creating a different and better future.

Make a list of the costs of staying stuck- the opportunities, peace of mind, and growth you’re missing. That awareness alone can motivate you to move forward.

When that happens, forgiveness becomes a gift- not for the one who hurt you, but for yourself. Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting or denying the past, but releasing yourself from its grip and choosing freedom.

You don’t need to return to a toxic relationship or erase painful memories, but you need to break free from the burden it left behind, so that you can learn from it and move on.

Remember:

• A pessimist sees only the bad.

• A naïve person sees only the good.

• An optimist sees the bad- and believes it can be overcome.

This is the essence of forgiveness- not naivety, but hopeful realism and believing that what has been broken can be repaired.

If you begin taking even small steps toward letting go, healing, building a better future, and ask G-d for help along the way, there is no doubt that you will see Heavenly assistance. You will be able to leave behind the weight of the past, and walk toward a brighter, more meaningful life.