Am I My Self-Image?

Self-image is just a mental picture — not reality!

Can we change how we see ourselves? Absolutely. Because self-image is something we hold in our minds — it’s not necessarily the truth. Sure, it’s often based on real experiences, but it’s not set in stone.

If you feel insecure around your partner, it may be because you’ve struggled with communication in the past. Or if a child thinks they’re bad at math, maybe it’s tied to a specific failure they haven’t let go of. But here’s the thing: while real life—our skills, environment, and even our bodies—constantly change and can improve, our self-image often doesn’t keep up. We forget to update the story we tell ourselves, and that outdated story ends up holding us back.

Why does this happen? Because we tend to believe that our self-image is who we are. We tell ourselves things like, “This is just the way I am,” or “I’ve always been this way,” or “This is all I’m capable of.” When we treat those thoughts as facts, our future becomes a repeat of the past. We keep falling into the same patterns, behaviors, and limitations.

To break this cycle, the first step is understanding that self-image is just a mental concept—it’s not you.

For a person who says they’re shy and thinks they’ll never be able to start a romantic relationship- that belief alone makes them appear insecure, keeps them from going on dates, and leaves them feeling lonely. But if you dig deeper, you’ll probably find that this idea is full of distortions and generalizations. Maybe there are times they’re not shy at all. And even if they are shy, who says that means they can’t succeed in relationships? It’s not tattooed on their forehead. Being “shy” isn’t a permanent label. They can work on it.

What does “shy” even mean? How do they know when someone is “officially” shy? What are they doing that they think makes them shy? Where did they get this idea? Was it something a teacher or parent said years ago? And most importantly: what are they believing that makes this label feel so real?

When you start unpacking your labels and questioning them, they begin to lose their grip on you. You start seeing things more clearly, without the filters that have been shaping your self-perception for so long.

How can you actually change your self-image? With awareness and practice.

Try this: complete the sentence “What’s stopping me in (relationships/career/health/etc.) is that I ____,” or “What’s holding me back is ____.” Then ask yourself: How do I feel about that? What do I think that means about me? Why do I think this is true? Where did that belief come from? What do I believe right now that’s causing me to act this way?

Your answers will show you that these are just thoughts and labels—not objective facts. They are like old movies you’ve watched so many times, you forgot they were scripted. Now it’s time to ask: Are these scripts helping me grow, or keeping me stuck?

One useful tool from NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) is called the Meta Model—a way of asking powerful questions that cut through mental fog. You don’t need fancy tools to start. What matters most is recognizing that who you are today is often just a reflection of past experiences—of what others told you, of your wins and failures.

Take a good look: is that really who you are? You’re not your past. You’re not your feelings. You’re not your mistakes, and you’re certainly not the labels others gave you. You’re so much more than that.

Your self-image is just a mental story. You don’t need affirmations, meditation, or praise to believe in yourself (though they might help). What really works is understanding the truth: once you realize that your self-image is changeable, change becomes possible.

Edited according to a paper by Shahar Cohen (NLP Trainer/strong>).

Rabbi Dr. Jacob Arenberg is the head of Arenberg Institute - the Institute for Marriage Counseling Studies and Family Professions.