Building Connections: How to Stay Close to Those Around You

"A time of trouble for Jacob, yet from it he shall be saved..." (Jeremiah 30, 7)

The strength of a people and society begins with the resilience of family, community, and environment. The mutual responsibility of the people of Israel does not exist in any other nation, which has been passed down for generations from our holy forefathers, who instilled in us the power of mutual responsibility!

"All of Israel are responsible for one another since they are one nation, something not found in any other nation where they are not united like Israel. They are like one person, when one limb is affected, all feel it because they are one body"(Maharal - "Netivot Olam" Netiv Hatochecha, Chapter 2).

Israel began as a small core family, starting with the family of Abraham and the other patriarchs, forming into a strong nation. The foundation is family life, made up of parents, children, siblings, neighbors, friends, community, city, and surroundings.

We are currently in the middle of a kind of 'reset' period — a chance for us to come together again. It’s a test of how strong we are, both physically and spiritually, and an opportunity to rebuild ourselves as a united people and country. Hopefully, from this place, we can start fixing the things that have gone wrong over the past few years.

How do we make this big change happen? Big changes start with small, meaningful steps within the family unit — and the foundation is the couple’s relationship. What are the children picking up from how their parents interact as a couple? The most effective thing we can do is bring in better communication into the relationship. This isn't just important between the partners themselves — it’s also crucial in how we communicate across generations, between us as parents and our children."

What is "Nonviolent Communication", and what is its role in our lives? It’s a way of interacting that helps us build better relationships and ask ourselves: How well are we actually connecting with the people around us? How good are we at communicating?

Why is communication so complex? Why are there problems? Communication issues arise because our reality is largely determined by what's in our head. This means that everyone experiences a given situation differently. Our internal representations—images, sayings, views, concepts (subjective perceptions)—determine how we view the world and everything we experience. In essence, our "programming" is shaped by our life experiences and development, and we act based on this.

The meaning of communication is the response it evokes in the other person. As we’re all going through a pretty tough time, the calm and connection we get at home can really anchor us.
Following are a few practical tips for more peaceful, (nonviolent) communication that help to achieve a sense of calm.

Principle 1 – Be a good listener. We all want others to listen, but do we know how to listen to others? To improve relationships, we must show genuine interest in the lives of the people around us. There’s a reason we have one mouth and two ears, reminding us to listen twice as much as we speak.

Principle 2 – Put yourself in the other person's shoes. As a good listener, try to step into the other’s world. Don’t prepare or rehearse what you’ll say next—just listen!

Principle 3– The difference between empathy and sympathy. Empathy means understanding others' difficulties without interference unless asked. Sympathy means being nice, but when it results in pity, it can seem disrespectful, suggesting we don't believe the person has the resources to handle their difficulties.

Tip 4 – See the good in every person. No one is perfect, but everyone has positive traits. Whether you notice bright points or faults in others is your choice. The more you focus on the strengths of others, mutual respect grows, forming the foundation for thriving relationships (Likutei Moharan).

Principle 5 – Stay in touch. Whether or not you spoke to a family member a few hours ago, it’s fine to give them another short call to ask how their day is or say you're thinking of them. An email or brief WhatsApp message can do the trick. Maintaining contact is crucial, even with people far away.

Principle 6 – Everything depends on perspective. Seeing the world from others' viewpoints is perhaps the most important skill for personal, familial, friendly, romantic, and business relationships. When faced with conflict, pause and ask yourself: if you were in their shoes, with their feelings, beliefs, values, background, and views, how would the situation appear? What would your needs, expectations, or concerns be? This introspection method is known as "Perceptual Positions" in NLP – a powerful tool for clearing communication blocks and enhancing interpersonal interaction.

Principle 7 – Respect others’ viewpoints. Everyone’s perception is based on their subjective life experiences, and for this reason, no perspective is wrong or right—it's opinion. Our views change over time, as do others'. By understanding others’ ever-shifting worldviews, we can learn things that can enrich our own world and our consciousness.

Principle 8 – Accept flaws in people in your life. Recognizing and accepting others' weaknesses is key to successful relationships. No one is perfect. Remember, what you see as someone else’s flaw is merely a subjective judgment of yours. Once we understand that perfect people don't exist, we’ll handle expectations-induced conflicts better, preventing future disappointments. Ultimately, most of us try to improve continuously. If we want others to accept and love us with our imperfections, we must do the same for them.

Principle 9 – Is it better to be wise or right?! Did you ever notice, especially in family settings, how easy it is to insist "you’re wrong and I’m right"? Notice how foolish it seems after making up—how we hurt each other? It’s wiser not to begin such arguments. Agree that it's more important for you and your partner/parents/friends to be happy than right. Make a mutual effort to avoid trivial arguments about unimportant matters.

Principle 10 – Life isn’t forever. If you discovered you had only three months left to live, would you waste time arguing with friends and family? How many loving gestures would you show your loved ones? How much time would you spend with them? Often, lingering in disagreements stems from assuming we have ample time to rectify lost time from disputes, but we forget it might be too late to appreciate the positive in our lives. There are many stories of parents missing out on their children’s upbringing, consumed by work and duties, only to find when they finally have time, that their children no longer need them.

Principle 11 – Stop trying to change people. The need to change others is among common relationship failures, especially romantic ones. Remember, you didn’t choose your partner to transform them into something else. You chose them as they were then, not as a project to mold into your expectations. In fresh romantic connections, we focus on the good and ignore flaws. Why does that change when living together or marrying? Our compulsive change attempts hinder mutual happiness- no person wants to be in a relationship with constant criticism. The only chance for change in a relationship is if we change ourselves.

Principle 12 – Appreciate others. To improve relationships, acknowledge that everyone we meet has an advantage over us in some way, a unique story, skill, or insight. When we devote time and attention to truly getting to know the people around us, can we enjoy what they have to offer.

These communication tips are adapted from the site STRONGER

Rabbi Dr. Jacob Aranberg is Head of the Aranberg Institute – Institute for Marriage Counseling and Family Professions.