Why Do We Find It Difficult to Tell Others What We Need?

Sometimes, you’ll meet someone whose inner “order department” doesn’t work very well — or maybe it’s completely shut down. That department’s job is to send out clear “orders” based on what we want or need but this person has a hard time expressing their needs and desires, and instead expects others to just know what they want — to sense it without being told.

Unfortunately that type of of expectation generally leads to disappointment and frustration, because the people around us can’t read minds.

Where does this difficulty come from? Why is it so hard for some of us to clearly express what we need or want? There are a few emotional and psychological reasons that block us from expressing our true inner needs:

1. Feeling that Our Needs Aren’t Legitimate

Sometimes we’ve internalized the idea that our needs are silly or wrong. For example, “Wait, I’m supposed to tell people I want them to celebrate my birthday? That’s so childish. What a stupid thought. Who do I think I am — a little kid?”

Such thoughts often come from voices in our past — parents or other authority figures who dismissed or judged us. Over time, we internalize those voices, and even as adults, we let them run the show without realizing it.

We end up with two voices inside: one that’s trying to speak up about the need (the real self), and another that shames or criticizes it into silence. Becoming aware of both voices is key. When we notice them, we can choose to give more weight to the voice that speaks our truth.

2. Fear of Conflict

Some of us avoid expressing our needs because we’re afraid it will cause tension or conflict. We want everything to stay calm and peaceful, so we keep things inside.

People who are afraid of conflict become hypersensitive to others’ reactions — picking up on tone, body language, even the slightest look. If they sense that speaking up might upset someone, they’ll suppress their needs and emotions.

However, holding things in doesn’t make the feeling go away — it only creates inner tension. That tension shows up in the relationship, even if no one says a word. The partner senses something’s off. They ask, “Is everything okay?” and the answer is, “Yeah, everything’s fine", even though it’s clearly not. That creates distance, insecurity, and eventually — arguments or emotional blowups.

3. Old Habits from Early Childhood

Deep down, many of us still have the fantasy that our partner should just know what we want, without us needing to say it. This idea goes back to when we were babies, and our parents (ideally) knew how to respond to even a whimper. They could tell if we were hungry, tired, or needed a diaper change.

In adult relationships, that type of silent understanding isn’t realistic. The sooner we accept that, the easier our relationships will be — with less frustration, disappointment, and unnecessary anger.

4. Fear of Being Seen as Weak

For some people, saying “I need” or “I want” feels like weakness. That doesn’t mean that they stop needing. They still try to express the need, but it comes out as criticism.

For example: “Why are you always coming home so late?”
What’s really going on behind that question? Maybe she misses him. Maybe she needs his help or just wants to feel connected. But instead of expressing those softer, vulnerable emotions, she puts up a defensive wall so that she won’t come off as “needy” or “weak.”

The result? The need gets buried under criticism. The true message doesn’t come through, and both people feel further apart.

These blocks usually run on autopilot — we’re not always aware they’re happening. Sometimes, we need the help of a therapist or counselor to help us see them clearly.

If we don’t allow ourselves to express what we truly need or want, we end up blocking our own growth — not only a marriage, but in all our relationships with others. Whether we mean to or not, we send the message that the people around us aren’t strong enough to handle our real selves.

When we do find the courage to express ourselves clearly and openly, it builds confidence in ourselves and in the relationship. To create a safe, supportive connection that’s free from criticism, blame, or judgment, we need stability, commitment, and mutual care.

Each partner needs to be present for the other — emotionally, mentally, and even spiritually. This means being part of each other’s lives, thoughts, needs, feelings, hopes, and dreams.

Avraham Shaharbaniis a couples and family counselor, addiction therapist, and lecturer in the field of family, member of the Israel Association for Couples and Family Counseling, and a consultant in the Shalom Bayit Department.