Refining the Self: A Practical Guide to Breaking Negative Traits

The Mishnah in Pirkei Avot says: “If there is no derech eretz (proper conduct), there is no Torah.” Rabbeinu Yonah explains that before a person learns Torah, they must ensure their character traits are refined, because the Torah can never truly dwell within someone who lacks good character. Similarly, the Ramchal writes that the soul- which is the source of our traits- is the foundation and base for the higher soul, which is where the Torah’s commandments take root. Therefore, if a person has good traits, they will find it easier to fulfill the Torah's commandments; but if they have poor character, keeping the commandments will feel burdensome and exhausting. Observing the Torah and mitzvot with bad traits is like building a structure on a crumbling foundation. This is why the Ramchal writes, “Bad character traits are much worse than actual sins” (Shaarei Kedusha, Part I, Gate 2).

The Vilna Gaon, one of the greatest Jewish sages of all time, writes a shocking statement about someone who doesn't work to overcome their negative traits: “The main purpose of a person’s life is to constantly strengthen themselves in breaking their bad traits. If not- why does he need to live at all?” (Even Shleimah, Chapter 1)

Following are 7 practical tips to help begin the journey of parting from destructive tendencies of the soul.

1. A Personal Journal
Keep a log of your setbacks in the specific trait you’re trying to work on. Record:

• When did it happen?

• What time of day?

• What day of the week?

• What was the situation?

• Where were you?

• What were you feeling, thinking, seeing, or hearing at the time?

After a few entries, you’ll likely notice patterns. If you struggle more when you're hungry, make a point to eat on time. Perhaps a messy house throws you off which means you need to schedule cleaning help. If you’re exhausted in the evening, take a short nap in the afternoon. The goal is to spot and reduce your known triggers.

2. A Meaningful Incentive
What excites you? A fun day out, a favorite treat, a small gift? Give yourself a meaningful reward each time you succeed in resisting the trait. Set bigger rewards for 3–5 victories in a row to reinforce positive change.

3. Visual Reminder
Rabbeinu Bachya in Chovot HaLevavot (Gate of Serving G-d, Ch. 5) suggests reminding yourself of the benefits of overcoming a bad trait, and the consequences if you don’t.

Ask yourself:

• What will I lose?

• What will I gain?

Write it on a sticky note and post it somewhere visible. Create a strong, bold visual that reinforces your goal to stay focused and motivated.

4. Read and Listen Daily
The Chafetz Chaim rules in his halachic work Mishnah Berurah:
“A person must set time to study works of Mussar (ethical instruction) daily- even a little- because the greater the person, the stronger his inclination. And the antidote to the evil inclination is the rebuke from the words of our Sages.” (Orach Chaim, Siman 1)

To overcome deeply rooted habits, we must internalize daily moral teachings that empower us to respond to challenges.  Recommended resources include:

• “Tikun HaMidot” series by Rabbi Avraham Tobolsky (includes volumes on patience vs. anger, truth vs. falsehood, kindness, honor, humility, and more).

• “Chovat HaAdam BeOlamo” series (includes volumes on gratitude, joy, jealousy, self-discipline, faith, order, and inner peace).

• Shiurim by Rabbi Zamir Cohen and others on character development and Mussar.

5. A 40-Day Challenge
The Noam Elimelech suggests: choose the opposite of the negative trait you want to fix and practice it deliberately for 40 days straight. For example, if you're naturally stubborn, practice flexibility for 40 days. If you’re lazy, act with speed and energy. After consistent effort, the new behavior can become a habit, and divine help will follow.

6. One Minute Before Sleep
Right before you fall asleep, take one minute to review your progress:

• Did I succeed today? What helped me succeed?

• Did I fail? What can I do differently next time?

This self-reflection will keep your awareness sharp and your growth continuous.

7. Pray for Help
Turn to Hashem in sincere prayer. Ask for strength and elevation, for help in overcoming impulses and bad habits. As we say in Tachanun: “I fear the evil inclination, for it is made of fire, and I am flesh and blood- I cannot defeat it without You.” If you genuinely seek to improve, Heaven will assist you- haba l'taher, mesayin oto (One who comes to purify himself is helped).

This path isn’t easy, but it is the most meaningful work of your life. The more you refine your character, the more your soul will flourish, and the more your Torah will shine.