Why Do We Sabotage Ourselves?

Sometimes we find that a person who is doing well, making progress, and working hard toward their goals may suddenly jeopardize themselves and undo months, or even years of effort.

For example, someone who has been putting in serious effort to get promoted at work. Slowly but surely, they're earning respect, building a good reputation. And then suddenly, they begin making simple mistakes- they show up late, mess up important tasks, act irresponsibly, and right before they receive the promotion they've been working toward, they're back to square one.

Looking back, even they may ask: "What was I thinking? That’s not like me. How did I let this happen?"

And we're left wondering: Why would someone sabotage themselves like that? Is it just bad luck? Or is there something deeper going on emotionally?

If there's a reason behind it, perhaps we can prevent it from happening again.

Emotional Balance

What’s really going on here? In many cases, there is a rational explanation for why people act in ways that go against their own interests. 

Each person has two conflicting desires. On one hand, we want to grow, to succeed, to achieve great things. That’s the drive that pushes us forward. But on the other hand, we crave emotional stability. We want to feel safe, balanced, and in control.

Whenever there’s a gap between where we are (the reality) and where we want to be (the goal), it creates tension. We feel uneasy. And we naturally try to reduce that discomfort.

There are two ways to relieve that tension:

1. Reach the goal and close the gap.

2. Let go of the goal and settle for the current state.

If we return to the person working toward a promotion. Their current reality is their existing role. Their goal is the higher position. When that promotion starts to feel within reach, they experience a mix of excitement—and fear.

"What if I can’t handle it?" "What if I get there and fail?" "What if I lose everything I’ve built?"

The fear of the unknown, of potentially falling from a higher place, triggers stress. And because we all instinctively seek emotional balance, that fear pushes them—without even realizing it—to stay where they are. For this reason, they subconsciously begin sabotaging their own progress: showing up late, making mistakes and slacking off.

Of course, this person would never admit they’re afraid of success- they don’t even acknowledge it to themselves. If they would, they could face the fear and overcome it. But since they don’t recognize it, they keep repeating the same self-defeating patterns. Every time success is around the corner, they pull back—just to stay in that “safe zone.”

Then they’re left wondering: "Why do I keep doing this to myself?. Until they recognize and address the inner conflict between growth and emotional comfort, they’ll continue getting stuck—right on the edge of breakthroughs.