Perfectionism is Not a Life Sentence

Previous article: How to Reduce the Psychological Need for Perfectionism?

In the previous article, we discussed how perfectionism can block someone from enjoying experiences that are imperfect. What can we actually do about it?

A powerful tool that comes into play here is referred to as exposure.

What Is Exposure?

The idea behind exposure is simple but incredibly effective: when someone is repeatedly exposed to something that causes them anxiety or fear, over time, the fear tends to fade.

If someone is afraid of driving or elevators, gradually and repeatedly facing those situations—as long as it’s done correctly and safely—can help reduce that fear. If done poorly however, it can make the anxiety worse.

This principle isn't just for people but has been observed in animals as well. A puppy might be afraid of strangers at first, but after repeated exposure when nothing bad happens, it learns that strangers aren’t a threat and the fear subsides.

Exposure works by leveraging the power of habit. Human beings—and animals—can get used to almost anything, as long as they’re given enough time to adjust. If we allow someone to gradually face the thing they're scared of, their anxiety often fades on its own.

Experiences Shape Beliefs

It’s important to remember that our beliefs are usually shaped by our experiences. Negative experiences can lead to negative beliefs. And positive experiences—especially in situations that in the past would trigger anxiety—can actually rewrite those beliefs and help us build healthier, more empowering ones.

Exposure and Perfectionism

How does this relate to perfectionism? At its core, perfectionism is often driven by the fear of being less than perfect. If a perfectionist is repeatedly exposed to situations that are imperfect—that still have a positive outcome—they can begin to let go of that fear. Over time, they learn that “imperfect” does not mean “worthless” or “a failure.”

This only works if the exposure is done gradually and carefully, because jumping in too quickly can actually backfire and reinforce the fear.

In many cases, perfectionism begins because someone received harsh criticism for doing something that was good—but not perfect. Perhaps they got an 80 on a test and instead of praise, the feedback was silence or disappointment. Even if nothing was expressed outright, the lack of positive feedback can send a strong message: "Anything less than perfect isn't good enough."

In order to break that belief, we need to replace those old negative experiences with new positive ones. This means gradually letting the perfectionist experience imperfection—without punishment, so that they receive encouragement for trying and doing, even if it’s not flawless.

Step-by-Step

The key is to start small- don't pick a situation that’s extremely uncomfortable. Start with something minor—something that's a bit imperfect, but not overwhelming. For example, perhaps wearing a slightly wrinkled shirt, mismatched socks, or stepping outside for a moment without being perfectly groomed.

By staying in that imperfect situation on purpose, and seeing that nothing bad happens, the person begins to internalize a new message: “Imperfection isn’t dangerous. It’s just... imperfection. And life goes on.”

Real or Imagined Exposure

This kind of exposure can even be done in the mind. For instance, someone afraid of public speaking could start by imagining themselves talking to just one person. Then slowly, in their mind, they can add more people to the audience. Bit by bit, they can become more emotionally comfortable with the idea.

As useful as imagined exposure can be, real-life experience tends to be more effective. There’s no substitute for living through the difficult moment and realizing that it’s not as scary as expected.

Be Careful – Do It Right

If someone is afraid of elevators, it would be a mistake to suddenly shove them into one and force them to ride it up and down. This  would make them feel more trapped, and more convinced that an elevator is terrifying.

We need to build what’s called an "anxiety hierarchy" which entails writing down a list of fear-inducing situations, ranked from least scary to most scary— from level 1 to level 10. We then begin addressing the least intense situation.

If someone feels anxious unless their house is perfectly clean. Level 10 might be a house that’s completely messy. But level 1 could be just leaving a single shelf a little untidy. Maybe level 2 is leaving some dishes in the sink. We would begin with a level 1—leaving a small area messy on purpose. Then we observe what happens. Do the walls come crashing down? No. That realization becomes the beginning of a mindset shift.

From there, we can move on to slightly more challenging situations—each time allowing the person to see that the consequences they feared don’t actually happen. Step by step, their tolerance for imperfection grows.

This gradual exposure technique can help in all kinds of anxiety-related areas. By slowly facing fears in a controlled and intentional way, perfectionists can learn that it’s okay to be less than perfect. They can begin to let go of unrealistic expectations and embrace progress instead of perfection.

Eventually, with effort, patience, and Hashem's help, they can find a healthy balance between striving for excellence while also accepting the present moment—even with its flaws. This can lead to meaningful action and personal growth in all areas of life.