How Can a Perfectionist Improve Their Tolerance of Others?

Previous article: What Makes People Perfectionists?

When an individual operates with perfectionistic standards without realizing that there's a set of beliefs driving them, they may assume that other people have low standards—while they simply “refuse to settle.” They may even fear that relaxing would lead to lower performance, less progress, or a loss of control.

In reality, this mindset can end up causing more harm than good. A person may become overly harsh with themselves, unable to forgive mistakes—and as a result, they may also become overly critical of others. They might say that they forgive, but deep down, they struggle to accept mistakes—because to them, acknowledging that mistakes are a normal part of life feels like a betrayal of the beliefs they live by.

Beyond that, as we’ve already mentioned, they may end up avoiding taking action altogether. Instead of striving to do what’s realistically within their reach, they do nothing at all—fearing imperfection more than failure. If they were to step back and look at the big picture, they’d likely realize that inaction leads to even worse outcomes and blocks their growth completely.

What can be done?

The first step is recognizing that there’s more than one way to interpret a situation—even if the perfectionist generally defaults to just one rigid viewpoint.

Consider for example someone who’s afraid to apply for a new job or take initiative at work because they’re worried about making a mistake. They might assume that messing up will get them fired, with who-knows-what consequences to follow. But there’s another possibility: maybe if they do make a mistake, they won’t be fired—and even if they are, perhaps they’ll find a new job where their willingness to take risks is actually seen as a strength.

Can we predict in advance which scenario will happen? Not at all. But it's important to recognize that more than one possibility exists.

A perfectionist tends to see only the worst-case scenario: that mistakes are catastrophic and must be avoided at all costs. They treat this as an absolute truth. But if they can step back and allow for a broader perspective—to see that reality holds many possibilities— this is first step toward freeing themselves from the paralysis of their perfectionism.

Our first goal is to help the perfectionist widen their lens. We want to help them recognize a variety of ways to understand a situation, and to break free from the mental rigidity that keeps them locked into a single narrative. In fact, one of the most important thinking skills we can develop is the ability to come up with alternative interpretations and solutions.

Imagine a perfectionist schedules a meeting with someone for 8:00PM, and the person shows up at 8:30. Factually, they were late. But from that point on, emotions take over and the perfectionist feels angry, tense, and stressed.

They begin thinking “People shouldn’t be late when meeting with me,” or “If someone’s late, it means they don’t respect me.” They may go even further: “Someone who doesn’t respect my time probably won’t respect my money, either—and that kind of person might take advantage of me.”

And just like that, they’ve built a whole negative story around that one late arrival.

What if there was a way to shift that thinking? What if they reminded themselves that it’s not the end of the world when someone is late—especially if they managed to use the time productively while waiting? Maybe next time, they can set a boundary and say: “If you’re more than a few minutes late, we’ll reschedule.” Or maybe they can remind themselves that if someone is running late it doesn’t necessarily mean that they aren't untrustworthy. Being late isn’t ideal—but it doesn’t automatically mean the person is disrespectful or unreliable.

Questioning automatic conclusions can help the perfectionist see the bigger picture. Instead of deciding in advance that someone is "not trustworthy," they could pause and actually consider: What does this specific behavior really tell me—and what doesn’t it tell me?

Once they recognize that other interpretations are possible, they can begin evaluating the emotional cost and benefit of each one. They could realize that accepting occasional lateness might save them a lot of frustration, help them maintain good relationships, and improve their overall well-being.

They may even adopt a new belief: “It’s okay to be more flexible with people, as long as I set healthy boundaries.” With that mindset, they might start adjusting meetings mentally, expecting a small delay, and protecting themselves emotionally in the process.

The perfectionist can spare themselves a lot of unnecessary emotional distress—not by changing the facts, but by changing how they interpret and respond to those facts. Through this process they may discover that the person who always shows up late is someone who brings a lot of calm and clarity once they do arrive. Maybe those meetings, despite starting late, are some of the most productive and enjoyable.

If the perfectionist is willing to embrace new beliefs, they’ll feel less helpless when others don’t meet their expectations and they will be able to show up more fully—for themselves, and in their relationships.