Can You Own Your Decisions?

For the previous article, Chronic Hesitator: Why Is It Hard for Us to Make Decisions?

In the previous article, we discussed why it's often difficult for people to make decisions. One key point was that a decision only needs to be right for the moment—not necessarily forever.

Still, there are many people who struggle with decision-making on a deeper level. They don’t actually choose one way or the other—they just get stuck. It’s not that they’ve decided to avoid making a move, they simply don’t decide and end up dragging their feet.

In matchmaking for example, after all the necessary checks have been done and everything seems to line up, the indecisive person still can’t bring themselves to say yes. Deep down, they’re afraid they’ll regret it later. What if it turns out to be the wrong decision?

To be fair, that fear isn’t completely baseless. Even when something looks like a good match on paper, there are always unknowns and details that can’t be evaluated ahead of time, that only present later in the relationship. But while most people accept this uncertainty and make the best decision they can with the information they have, the indecisive person is unable to get to that point. Instead, they continue to ruminate over the same questions.

At the same time, they also can’t end the match- that is also a decision. What if they let this go and never find anything better? What if in ten years from now they realize this was the best opportunity they ever had?

They remain unable to say yes, but also unable to say no. The situation remains stuck in limbo, sometimes for months. Eventually it’s usually reality—not the person—that determines the decision.

Even if they do eventually get married, their doubts don’t disappear. They may not be wondering what to do anymore, but they’ll continue asking themselves if they did the right thing. Even after decades, that nagging feeling may still linger in the background, putting a strain on their marriage.

There’s a fascinating line in the Talmud (Berachot 8a) that says: “In the West (i.e. Israel), when a man would get married, they’d say to him: ‘Did you find or are you finding?’” It’s a play on two verses—“He who found a wife found good” vs. “I find more bitter than death the woman…”

But notice: they didn’t ask him which one he married. They told him—you found, or you’re finding. What does that mean?

Rabbi Shimshon Pincus explains that before marriage, it’s impossible to know your spouse’s true character. But the people were reminding the groom: It’s up to you. Whether your marriage becomes a “found good” or “more bitter than death” kind of story—that depends on what you choose to do with it.

If you treat your marriage as a done deal, something you’ve found, and now your task is to build on it and make it better—then you have a good chance to be happy. You’ll work on caring more, deepening the connection, and creating a meaningful partnership. That’s what the verse means when it says, “He who found a wife found good.”

But if you keep mentally revisiting the decision, questioning it, picking it apart—even long after the wedding—that’s when the bitterness can creep in. The marriage never feels stable, never feels “real,” because you never fully committed to it in your own mind.

Being able to make a decision and fully own it is a huge factor in personal happiness—and especially in a successful marriage.

Perfectionism and Obsessive Thinking

Every decision in life—especially something big like marriage—has pros and cons. A person who isn’t overly hesitant can weigh those pros and cons, give each one its proper importance, and make a thoughtful, informed decision.

But someone who is stuck in indecision is often unable to do that. They see a tangle of conflicting thoughts and can’t sort through them. They don’t know how to weigh the issues, so they just keep spinning.

That type of indecision is often tied to perfectionism. A perfectionist can’t settle for any option that isn’t perfect. And since nothing in life is ever perfect, they end up avoiding decisions altogether.

They might say, “I’m just being objective! I need more clarity!” But they forget: everyone’s life is full of unclear situations. And yet, other people manage to make good decisions and move forward.

Let’s go back to our matchmaking example. If someone is a perfectionist, they won’t be able to commit as long as anything feels off. And in reality, every match has something that could seem like a flaw—especially through the lens of someone who’s already unsure.

In other cases, indecision results from obsessive thinking. These are the people who can’t stop thinking, checking, analyzing—again and again. Their minds won’t let them move on from the “research” stage. They keep collecting data until the moment passes and the decision is no longer relevant.