From Criticism to Compassion: Healing the Roots of Perfectionism

Sometimes a person believes that the events of their life are over the moment they end. In truth however, all of our experiences are recorded and stored in the subconscious mind. This is not only in reference to trauma, but also the conclusions a person draws about themselves when exposed to certain situations.

When a child is exposed to harsh and relentless criticism, or when they grow up with an authoritative and demanding tone from a parent who doesn’t consider their perspective, it’s very likely they will develop a subconscious sense of failure about themselves.

Criticism can easily damage a person’s self-worth, especially when it comes from someone who is supposed to believe in them and instill a sense of worth, uniqueness, and value.

A child’s self-image can be severely harmed, especially if they don’t receive any positive feedback to counterbalance the emptiness or sense of failure that criticism creates.

It’s important to understand that during the early years of life, a child learns about themselves, and about their essence and value, through the way they are perceived by their parents.

Just as a child learns to identify objects in their environment and name them through their parents, they also learn to identify and understand themselves through them.

How far-reaching can destructive criticism be? How is it connected to perfectionism?

Perfectionism is an internal demand for achievement and flawless performance, often beyond one’s actual abilities or resources.

Its root lies in hidden beliefs such as "I am weak," "I am broken," "I am a failure" which tend to be internalized messages absorbed from criticism in childhood, along with negative conclusions the individual may have formed independently.

These negative self-perceptions stack up over time, forming a deeply rooted belief that “I am fundamentally a failure,” coupled with the assumption that others see me this way too.

At that point, the only option seems to be to prove them wrong. And so begins a long, exhausting journey that is rigid, demanding, and draining, driven by a negative self-image. Ironically, this effort to build a strong self-image is fueled by the belief that I am weak.

Subconsciously, I am unable to handle criticism or acknowledge mistakes, because they symbolize my failure and the disapproval of others. I don’t respond to critique objectively, but I take it personally, which triggers guilt and a sense of inadequacy.

To avoid these painful feelings, I prepare extensively for every task, requiring everything I do to be perfect. I set expectations so high that few people could meet them.

When I succeed, I credit myself entirely, because I maintained full control and tied up every loose end to ensure a successful outcome. But when I fail, I blame myself just as completely. The fear of failure prevents me from adapting to change or being flexible. There's no room for error, and no compassion for myself.

Because my pursuit of perfection stems from the belief that I am not good enough, I develop an ongoing need to prove that I am better than others. If someone else is at level "X," I must be "X+." The more I feel like a failure, the harder I push toward unattainable perfection.

When I can begin to understand that I am unique, and that I possess strengths and abilities that are uniquely mine, the need to outperform others diminishes. I can stop comparing myself and chasing perfection.

This understanding allows me to treat myself with compassion- to accept myself, especially in light of my mistakes. It helps me realize that even when I fail, it doesn’t diminish my worth or capabilities. I no longer need to control everything or insist that life unfold exactly as I wish.

The goal is not to be perfect, but to be whole. To embrace all parts of myself without judgement.

​Inbal Elhayani, M.A., is a certified NLP practitioner, a guided imagery therapist, writer, and lecturer.