I'm Perfect, So Why Improve?

On the importance of being open to criticism, Rabbi Chaim Friedlander explains: “The foundation of spiritual growth is the ability to accept criticism. Because if I’m totally satisfied with myself—why would I even want to improve?”

There are different types of criticism.

Criticism that comes from others is difficult to accept. This tends to be the most accurate because it comes from someone who isn’t biased by our own blind spots.

A person who is committed to working on themselves sees criticism as a gift, because they are looking for growth, not comfort. It is told that the Vilna Gaon would invite the Dubno Maggid specifically to provide him with constructive criticism.

Self-criticism doesn't trigger defensiveness because it comes from within. The Chafetz Chaim used to quote the Talmud (Berachot 7a): “One reprimand in a person’s heart is better than a hundred lashes.”
He explained that when criticism comes from someone else, we tend to argue back. But when we honestly reflect and critique ourselves, there’s no one to argue with—and this can lead to real change.

Rabbi Dessler explains that there is another type of criticism that becomes apparent when we notice a flaw or a failure in someone else, which is often a heavenly message and a signal that we ourselves carry some version of that flaw.

After the incident of King David and Batsheva, the prophet Nathan told him a parable about a rich man stealing from a poor man. When David got outraged and judged the man harshly, Nathan said, “You are that man!” Sometimes what we see in others is actually a mirror to look into ourselves.

The better a person understands what’s expected of them, the more they’re able to critique themselves. And the more honest and direct the self-criticism, the more deeply they can fix what needs to be addressed. As Rabbi Friedlander explains: “Criticism is the mother of personal growth.” (Siftei Chaim, Moadim I, p. 13)

Prayer is also an important tool that can help us move from a state of denial or resistance into actual reflection. We can pray for ourselves and ask the Creator to guide us in the right direction and to open our eyes to what needs to change. And we can also pray for others to be inspired to grow.

Parents often come to me and say: “Rabbi, can you talk to my son? He’s doing X, Y, Z... he’s in a bad place...” But as we talk, it becomes clear: the child isn’t even interested in changing. They’re not ready, they’re not open, they’re just not there. They’re in what we refer to as the “pre-contemplation stage”—they haven’t even started to think about change.

In these cases, beyond offering practical suggestions such as sending a meaningful lecture or recommending they attend a seminar—there’s only so much you can do. It's impossible to force someone to change if they don’t want to.

The desire to change must come from within. And for this, we pray. We pray that Hashem helps them open even a tiny crack in their soul, just enough to let a bit of light in. Enough for them to maybe be willing to hear something new. Sometimes, all it takes is that small spark—a single moment where a new thought crosses their mind: “Maybe I do need to change.”

And that’s where transformation begins.

From the new book by Rabbi Yitzchak Fanger 'It's Possible'. To purchase, visit Hidabroot Shops or call: 073-222-1250