The First Step Toward Change: 'Pre-Enlightenment'

It's common for a person to be in denial about the need to change, even if their behavior is clearly unhealthy or harmful.

You could tell them that every cigarette they smoke shortens their life by 5 to 11 minutes—and they’ll shrug and tell you about some guy they heard of who just turned 100 and still smokes like a chimney.

There’s no interest in change, no intention to work toward it, and definitely no desire to even hear about it. And even if they do hear something— it won’t seem serious enough for them to bother doing anything about it.

If we relate this to the world of Judaism and religious observance, this is the stage where a non-observant Jew might say, “If religion works for you—great, good for you. But it’s not for me". They don’t see any personal connection between themselves and the Torah. Many will say, “I’m a good person,” or “People who become religious must’ve gone through something,” or “They were probably always searching for meaning.”

The goal at this stage is to inspire the person to begin thinking about change.

How is this done?

It can be helpful to gently guide the person to think about the downsides of their current behavior, and the benefits that change may bring them and those close to them.

You can ask reflective questions such as: What would have to happen for you to realize this is a problem? What warning signs might make you stop and think? Have you ever tried to change in the past?

Following are three key tools to help someone move from the stage of denial into the stage where they begin to at least consider change.

1. Information

The more we learn, hear, and read, the more we realize how much room we have to grow. The first step toward even considering change is understanding why change may be necessary. We must ask: What’s not working in the way I’m currently living? What could improve if I made a change? What am I missing out on by staying where I am?.

2. Criticism

Most of us won’t even think about changing without at least some pressure which often comes in the form of criticism. It’s not pleasant, but we need to learn to treat it like medicine- it might not taste good, but it helps.

Rabbi Chaim Friedlander, in his book Siftei Chaim, writes about the power of criticism and refers to it as the “mother of all personal growth.” Every real change generally begins with some type of feedback—sometimes direct, sometimes indirect. Criticism forces us to see that the way we’re living isn’t quite right, and this realization can move us from a state of “pre-contemplation” to actual contemplation.

In the next article, we’ll explore more of Rabbi Friedlander’s ideas and discuss how we can train ourselves to receive criticism in a healthier, more productive way.

From the new book by Rabbi Yitzchak Fanger 'It's Possible'. To purchase, visit Hidabroot Shops or call: 073-222-1250