The Two Voices of Change in Relationships

In every relationship, each partner brings their own personal world, shaped by past experiences and the events surrounding them. Together, the couple builds a shared life, sustained through both individual and joint effort. It is this work that enables them to establish and maintain a healthy, stable relationship.

This work is not without challenges. The couple must navigate difficulties- some together, some alone- and through that process, ideally transform habits and thought patterns in ways that bring balance and resilience to their relationship.

But here lies the challenge: Talking about change, setting goals, and mapping out the path forward is one thing. Actually making change happen and getting to a better place, is something else entirely. 

The Two Voices of Change

Why is it that something we truly want and that would clearly improve our lives, seem so difficult to achieve? The answer lies in the idea that every change brings with it two voices.

When a person reaches a crossroads- deciding whether to stay with the old habits or to step into the unknown and grow- two inner voices emerge.

The first voice is clear and compelling. It urges change and growth, pointing out the flaws in the current situation and highlighting the benefits of the new path. The second voice is quieter, more subtle, and much harder to recognize. This voice resists the change. It whispers: "Yes, you're suffering, but at least you're holding on to something familiar. If you let that go, you might be left with nothing."It reminds you that growth often means leaving behind things that feel comfortable, even if they’re also part of the problem.

Criticism and Responsibility: A Case Study

Shimon, for example, felt that his marriage was on the verge of collapse. “It’s the criticism,” he thought. “I criticize Sarah too much. This can’t go on.” He made a plan that he would gradually shift the way he communicates- from criticism to constructive dialogue. He would express his own struggles and needs, rather than pointing fingers. At first, it worked. The atmosphere at home improved, conversations deepened, and Sarah noticed a significant change in their relationship.

But a few months later, Shimon found himself falling back into his old patterns- criticizing, blaming, growing frustrated again. And this time, it crushed him. “I thought I had grown. I thought I had changed. But here I am, stuck in the same place,” he thought.

Was Shimon truly back where he started? No. He had made progress. But he hadn’t anticipated the second voice. That quiet voice had told him: “Stay critical. Yes, it causes pain, but if you really want to grow, you’ll have to do something almost impossible: take responsibility.”

Living in a relationship filled with criticism and defensiveness is hard, but it also lets both partners avoid responsibility. As long as it’s the other person’s fault, neither person needs to look inward.

Shimon hadn’t prepared himself to face the fear of owning his actions. And without that awareness, lasting change was nearly impossible. If he had been able to hear that second voice and name it, he may have asked himself a crucial question: “Is this change worth it, even if it means taking full responsibility for my part in things?”

Impatience and Hard Work

When couples commit to change, they must understand that, alongside their vision of a better future, there will be a price: they may have to let go of familiar behaviors that once served them, and habits that protected them from self-reflection and deeper emotional work.

This kind of inner work often feels like losing the solid ground beneath your feet. You're rebuilding yourself from the inside out, and this is never easy.

We see something similar in the Torah’s description of the Israelites under Egyptian slavery. When Moses came to tell them about their upcoming redemption, the Torah says: “But they did not listen to Moses, due to shortness of spirit and hard labor” (Exodus 6:9).

The Ramban comments: “Like someone whose soul is shortened by suffering, who cannot endure even a moment more of pain- even if he knows relief is on the way.” The people knew change was coming- if they had only stopped to listen, they would have been freed. But the idea of breaking their familiar patterns- even ones rooted in slavery- was simply too overwhelming. 

This is the real key to change: To pause. To look honestly at the patterns we’re holding on to, and to let go of that which no longer serves us, even when it feels like all we know.

Only when we do this can we truly hear that second, softer voice- the one that quietly holds us back. And when we recognize it, we gain the power to face it, overcome it, and finally move forward into the change we long for.

Chaim Ernreich is a marriage and family counselor.