Can Guilt Be a Productive Emotion?

Previous article: Do you hear a voice from the heavens, or is it the despair within your heart?

In most cases- if not all- our mistakes can be corrected. Even when a person has done something wrong, there is almost always a way to reduce the consequences of the action and turn it into an opportunity for growth and progress. In order for this to be possible, the person must believe that change is possible.

When a person believes that repair is possible, they develop commitment to the process, and they find a way to make it happen. If however a person is overwhelmed by the belief that what’s done cannot be undone, and that the damage is irreversible, they will be “blocked” from attempting to make a change, and this will prevent them from seeking any solution.

Guilt doesn't motivate a person to make positive changes. On the contrary, it tends to reinforce the problem and traps the person in the very place that led to failure in the first place.

Guilt also doesn’t make others respect us more or look more kindly upon our mistakes. If however we manage to let go of guilt and focus on taking practical steps to ensure real change, we may gain the respect of those around us.

True remorse is measured by the degree to which it inspires us to make a change, to grow and improve. If however it leads us to despair and helplessness, it is simply an escape from responsibility.

When Guilt Isn’t Based in Reality

Sometimes the guilt we feel is based on objective reality- we truly made a mistake, failed, or acted improperly. Even in those cases, as we’ve already said, we must put things in proper perspective and look at the situation through a lens focused on moving forward.

But in many cases, our guilt is not objective at all. It is based on distorted thinking, where we take responsibility for things that were never in our control to begin with.

For example, sometimes a person believes that they must always please everyone around them. When they inevitably fail to do so, they feel guilty, even though there is no justification for that feeling. They were never responsible to please everyone, and if others are not pleased, that is their personal responsibility.

As parents, we often feel that we must ensure our children are always happy, satisfied, and cheerful. But when that unrealistic goal isn’t met- when our children are frustrated, sad, or bored- we take on guilt that doesn’t belong to us.

When we begin to feel guilty, it’s crucial to pause and examine where these feelings are coming from and how accurate they are. Sometimes, we only need to adjust our mindset, redefine our sense of responsibility, and stop carrying guilt that isn’t ours to bear.

We can do a great deal for others, but we cannot live their lives for them. Many times, even when we’ve done everything in our power, we still cannot please everyone or make them happy. We cannot judge ourselves by how others see us, because their perspective is not always objective.

This doesn’t mean we should ignore the desires, feelings, or expectations of others. It’s certainly positive to try to help our children, for example, feel happy and content. But there’s a big difference between making an effort and taking on guilt when we are unable to fulfill their every desire.

In many cases, if we examine our feelings, we’ll discover that our sense of obligation to please others stems from past emotional baggage or distorted views of how relationships should work. Often we evaluate ourselves based on how satisfied others are with us, or we believe that if we please others, they won’t abandon us. In such situations, it’s important to examine why we fear abandonment to such a degree so that we can begin to work through the beliefs that hold us back.