Does Everyone Love Compliments?

There are three common ways that people respond to compliments, and from each response, we can learn about the self-image of the individual.

1. Rejection of Compliments

You’ve likely experienced situations where you complimented a friend on her beautiful dress, and she responded by saying she just grabbed it randomly from the closet because she couldn't find anything else to wear. Or a colleague whose intellectual abilities were crucial to a successful project, and he responded that others could have done it better.

These reactions stem from the recipient’s inner rejection of the positive image that is projected onto them through the compliment.

People who reject compliments generally do not have a positive self-image and they are therefore unable to accept the positive identity the compliment assigns to them. From their perspective, it simply doesn’t relate to them- they are not the person you think they are.

These individuals hold negative beliefs about themselves and cannot see themselves in a positive light. Even if they dress their best or demonstrate intellectual brilliance, it doesn’t change their perception of themselves.

For this reason, they automatically and unconsciously reject compliments, because they conflict with the self-image they carry.

2. Over-Attachment to Compliments

Individuals who soar from a compliment are those who draw their sense of worth from their surroundings. They do not have an internal sense of value and therefore they constantly need to hear it from others.

This desperate need can lead to behavior designed to elicit compliments- such as putting great effort into appearance, or saying what others want to hear, even if it doesn’t align with their own views. Sometimes, they’ll engage in excessive generosity just to feel they are valuable, exceptional, and inspirational. Each compliment then becomes fertile ground for the next act, hoping it will bring the next dose of praise.

It’s important to note that these same individuals will react in a similar but opposite way to criticism. It won’t just ruin their day, but may send them into a tailspin. Just as compliments lift them up, criticism destroys them. When your vitality comes from the outside world, it makes you incredibly vulnerable to even the slightest feedback.

3. Healthy Reception of Compliments

The third and most balanced type of response- one that reflects a healthy and grounded self-image- is found in those who can receive a compliment, politely say "thank you," and move on.

The compliment neither inflates them nor changes their emotional state or self-perception. This is because they already have a healthy self-image and are aware of their skills and positive traits.

When these individuals receive criticism from others, it doesn't destroy them emotionally, because they have a healthy foundation that isn't exceedingly vulnerable.

These people have learned to build themselves from within and are therefore not emotionally dependent on external validation. They do not surrender their mood or self-worth to their environment.

The more a person can provide themselves with positive emotional reinforcement, the less dependent they become on their surroundings, and the less they are affected by external opinions.

​Inbal Elhayani, M.A., is a certified NLP practitioner, a guided imagery therapist, writer, and lecturer.