The Hidden Cost of Playing the Victim in Relationships

In the previous article, we discussed the reasons why manipulation can be destructive in a relationship.

Our use of the word manipulation here does not imply cunning or malice. Sometimes a person resorts to a victimhood strategy unconsciously, because as we mentioned, it feels easy and appears to yield results. While playing the role of victim is not productive, it's important to recognize that this person is in genuine pain and distress.

The victim role is often quite comfortable. It’s easy to indulge in self-pity because it soothes and quiets the conscience and removes personal responsibility. Because they are suffering, the victim believes they deserve to receive everything they request.

Resolving issues in a relationship requires teamwork but a victim mentality lacks the possibility for teamwork and mutuality; the person sees themselves at the center of the story, and others are expected to take care of them. If they hear that someone else is also struggling, they get anxious- as if someone might steal their "crown of suffering"- and they must therefore work hard to prove that they are suffering the most.

Someone may take on the role of victim for other reasons such as fear of abandonment or emotional emptiness. By being in the victim role, they ultimately secure themselves the attention and affection that they so desperately need.

The Problem with the Victim Approach

The victim doesn’t realize that the manipulative tactics they depend on lose their effect. There’s a limit to how many times we can provoke someone’s sympathy through crying, pleading, or complaining. Eventually, emotions become dulled, and the other person shuts down. They stop reacting to the tears or dramatic speeches. People are not capable of feeling compassion indefinitely.

When the victim sees that others are becoming numb to their emotional blackmail, they become bitter and offended, because they truly believe they are the victim. They accuse their partner of indifference and lack of caring, without realizing that they themselves created that emotional numbness- it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. In their eyes, the partner’s detachment is simply further proof that they are helpless and miserable.

It’s easy to become addicted to self-pity, but it’s a waste of time and energy. A more effective division is to spend 80% of the time on solutions, and only 20% on the problem itself.

An individual who plays the victim often believes that they have high emotional intelligence- that they understand themselves and can analyze their emotions well. However, even if someone knows all the technical and professional terms for every feeling, it does not indicate that they have emotional intelligence.

A person with true emotional intelligence knows how to regulate their emotions and separate them from facts. Identifying the boundary between emotion and reality is a key component of emotional intelligence but often lacking in those who take on the victimhood mindset.

When a person is fixated on the negative aspects of life, they are not emotionally available to grow, develop, achieve, and to make the most of the opportunities life has to offer.