The Narcissist and Their Environment: You Too Can Shine

On Chanukah, the festival of light, it’s a time for the light of your soul to shine, to be revealed, to find its place in the world and to illuminate others who need it.

When a person grows up in a narcissistic family, has a narcissistic partner, or works under a narcissistic boss, this results in a process of suppression where the individual quickly discovers that whenever she tries to share her own ideas, thoughts, or behaviors that don’t align with those of the narcissist (this applies to both men and women), she is met with coldness, criticism, dismissal, or a redirection of attention back to them.

She begins to feel small, diminished, insignificant and invalidated. Some may even start slipping into their mindset so that something she was sure was “A” suddenly feels like “B,” even though deep inside, she knows it’s “A,” and doesn't want or agree with “B.”

Not everyone will experience this loss of self to the same degree, but depending on the frequency and intensity of the dysfunction, there may be many difficult emotions.

The suppression that takes place is often covert and won't be recognizable it right away. it can take a long time to realize because narcissists often use subtle, manipulative communication to control others, often without even being aware of it themselves.

If you grew up with a parent or siblings like this, you’ll likely find yourself developing two internal worlds. One is the survival mode: pleasing the narcissist or rebelling against them (depending on your personality), just to escape their pressure and meet their demands.

The second is your authentic inner world, the one G-d created in you. A world you may only share with close friends, siblings, or people who allow you simply to be- who enjoy your presence and what you offer, without trying to mold you into their image.

If you are in a relationship with such a partner, you’ll eventually realize that you are unable to express yourself. You’ll learn from their emotional abuse that there’s no reason to reveal or share your thoughts or feelings. Over time, you’ll feel increasingly lonely or empty, without even knowing how to describe it. After all, everything looks fine on the outside, doesn’t it?

Growing up this way creates a deep struggle with self-identity. It can leave you feeling like a leaf blown by the wind, with no authority to express what hurts or what you feel. Most of the time, this will be denied, and you’ll simply learn to silence yourself.

There are no words for this thing- for the loneliness. You assume that no one will believe you anyway, and since there are no “bruises” on your body, it feels like you’ll sound ridiculous. People will say you’re too sensitive, that you need to understand them, that you’re selfish, and more.

People have a tendency to deny, especially things that are easy to deny, things that can’t be seen, and that are hard to prove. Stopping this means, first and foremost, that you stop denying. Seek advice. Talk to empathetic people. Do whatever it takes to begin calling things by their real name. Strengthen yourself. Be brave enough to know yourself, and to allow yourself to be.