Conquering Anger: 13 Tips to Help Lower Anger Levels

There’s that well-known joke: “I’m not short-tempered—people just annoy me.” We all come across situations in our daily lives that can bring out the less flattering sides of us. And the examples are endless:

• The toddler who decided to see what happens when you stomp a bag of Bamba into the carpet—right after you vacuumed.

• The contractor you’ve already paid a deposit to, who now seems to think it’s perfectly acceptable to ghost your calls every now and then.

• The usual neighborhood driver who tears through the streets like a maniac, even going against traffic—with kids around! (At first I gave him the benefit of the doubt—maybe his wife was in labor—but come on, it’s hard to believe they have a new baby every two weeks.)

• The annoying moment when someone calls your phone asking for a person who clearly isn’t you. You politely say, “Sorry, wrong number,” and instead of replying, they just hang up on you. I’ve never understood that. Is it really that hard to say, “Oops, sorry—have a nice day”?

(As I write this, I can already feel the irritation creeping back in…)

There are plenty of things that can get under our skin, and I could keep going—but that probably wouldn’t help us calm down. It might even make things worse!

So, what can we do to keep anger from taking over?
Following are a few helpful tips to keep in mind:

1. Learn. It’s important to read books and listen to lectures daily about controlling anger, even while performing everyday tasks. Even if you don’t absorb everything the speaker says, hearing about controlling anger can trigger awareness and help with self-control. Recommended books are "Remove Anger from Your Heart," by Rabbi Tubolskys's series on improving qualities, available here at Hidabroot Shops, and Rabbi Abraham Sitbon's "How to Avoid Anger," available here at Hidabroot Shops. For lectures, check out the VOD on Hidabroot.

2.Awareness and mental preparation. Developing awareness of triggers that cause anger is essential, whether it's certain pressuring times (organizing the kids in the morning), encounters with people who press your buttons, or specific situations. Preparing in advance means these triggers will surprise you less, making it easier to control your response.

(Photo: shutterstock)

3. Imagine yourself calm. Imagination affects our mind, including our reactions to events. It’s wise to set aside time to visualize potentially angering situations and our ideal, composed response. By repeating this exercise, handling real-life situations becomes easier, aligned with our imagined reactions. (Based on Rabbi Wolbe's "Alei Shur").

4. Keep silent and change location. When angry, we might regret words spoken. Therefore, put a lock on your mouth until the anger subsides. If possible, take a 5-10 minute walk to change the atmosphere and energy.

5. Faith in Hashem. In times of stress, when everything agitates us, remember that there's a higher power managing the world. Unexpected events have divine reasons, leading us to growth. Sometimes, it's best to submit and accept challenges with humility and faith.

6. Pray. Like in any matter requiring divine assistance, prayer is vital in overcoming anger. Without Hashem's help, defeating negative traits is challenging.

7. Strengthen patience and humility. Anger stems from pride, expecting the world to cater to one's desires. Temper can result from self-centeredness, expecting everything to follow one's will. Understanding others and their perspectives can change a potentially angering event's interpretation to a more empathic and accommodating one.

8. Adopt a habit of speaking calmly. Have you ever seen someone angry while talking calmly? These two are contradictory. The Ramban advises: "Always speak gently, with all people at all times, and you will avoid anger." Habituating calm, quiet, and gentle speech helps avoid anger.

9. Relax. Often, anger arises not from the situation itself but from accumulated stress. Current circumstances are the last trigger. If we are more relaxed, we might not react harshly in uncomfortable situations. Reaching tranquility involves listening to faith lessons, scheduling quiet time, reading a book, listening to music, or taking a walk with a loved one.

10. Strengthen respect for others. When one understands the gravity of dishonoring someone, they develop reluctance to explode at another person impulsively.

11. Nutrition and sleep. Sometimes physical reasons like sleep deprivation or hunger contribute to stress and impatience. Remember to meet your body’s needs.

12. Be joyful. When one's mood is upbeat, anger is less likely. As the saying goes, "those who are harmful to others are themselves unhappy." Cultivate happiness to feel good about yourself. Find fascinating facts and advice on happiness here.

13. Record yourself. Ask a family member to secretly record you during an outburst. Once calm, listen to how you sound in anger. It might surprise and deter you from anger. Listen to the recording occasionally for renewed motivation.

Read additional advice on overcoming anger from Rabbi Zamir Cohen's book "Keys to Life" here.