Managing Explosive Behavior and Narcissistic Traits in Close Relationships

At times we need to interact with individuals who have a "short fuse". While this can be difficult especially if the person is a family member or a colleague, there are ways to handle it. The following guidance can be especially relevant when dealing with people (both men and women) who exhibit narcissistic traits.

If the person is yelling, cursing, belittling, throwing things, or acting aggressively, there are several key points to keep in mind that will help you manage yourself during the outburst.

1. Do Not Try to Calm the Person Down.
   Trying to quiet someone during a fit of rage only adds fuel to the fire. Asking them to lower their voice is like trying to extinguish flames with oil.

2. Avoid Getting into a Verbal Fight.
   The natural response to being attacked is often to attack back. For instance, "Hey, you're not the only one upset!" While this feels justified, it escalates the situation. In the case of someone with narcissistic traits, this is their playing field- they will almost always "win" and leave you hurt. Don’t raise your voice in return.

3. Do Not Justify or Defend Yourself.
   This is tough. Most people instinctively defend themselves when criticized, especially in anger. But resisting the urge to explain can defuse hostility and doesn’t feed the narcissist's need to dominate. Justifications often invite further abuse from narcissistic personalities who lack empathy.

4. Empathy Doesn’t Work on Narcissists.
   With average people, showing empathy may help. But with narcissistic traits, empathy often draws you back into their control. During an outburst, logic is offline and they exaggerate and distort. Avoid criticizing them in this moment as it only escalates the chaos.

5. Show Limited Recognition, Then Wait.
   After the explosion, wait 24 hours. Discuss the event later if appropriate, but tailor the approach depending on who it was- a boss, parent, or spouse each require different strategies.

6. Don’t Deny the Outburst.
   After returning to normal, the person may act overly kind, respectful, and even gentle. This may stem from guilt or, if they’re narcissistic, it's often a tactic to regain control ("love bombing"). If they never take responsibility, it's a red flag. You may feel tempted to "forget" the incident or avoid bringing it up to keep the peace, but silence often leads to repeated outbursts. You must take the risk of discussing it to reduce future occurrences.

7. Focus on the Process, Not the Content.
   Don’t focus on what the fight was about, but on how it was handled. Speak about your own feelings, not with accusations or advice. Say what you felt and how the explosive strategy is ineffective.

8. Set Clear Boundaries with Narcissistic People.
   Skip empathy and deep emotional talk. Be short, firm, and clear: “In this house, we don’t talk like that,” or “If you want something from me, speak clearly, don’t yell.” Avoid ignoring them but pay attention to their cues of impatience or agitation.

9. Model How to Speak to You.
   Offer specific examples of how you'd like to be spoken to when they have criticism. This may help with people who show mild narcissistic tendencies and who still want to maintain the relationship.

10. Know What You Want.
    With more difficult individuals, you need to be crystal clear with yourself: What are your limits? What behavior will you accept? Narcissists thrive on instilling fear and control. Courage begins with letting go of illusions- about the job you thought would fulfill you but turned toxic, the partner you thought shared your values but who doesn't.

Only when you're ready to let go of those fantasies can you gain the courage to set boundaries. Know what you want to say and say it clearly. Sadly, with narcissists, you must prioritize yourself first.

Dr. Ada Michal Weinstein is a certified psychodrama therapist specializing in narcissism and works, among other things, with victims of narcissists.