The Roles Narcissistic Parents Assign to Their Children

In previous articles, we discussed the traits of men and women with narcissistic tendencies, the manipulative ways in which they interact with others, and the emotional harm they can cause.

It’s important to note that everything written here is solely for informational purposes. This is not a diagnostic tool, but rather an invitation to pay attention to red flags that may indicate the need to seek guidance from professionals who specialize in narcissism.

There are many excellent therapists, but not all are experienced in dealing with narcissism. Working with a therapist who is unfamiliar with this specific issue can sometimes lead to more harm than help. It is therefore essential to verify whether your therapist has experience working with narcissistic dynamics.

Today, we’ll explore another complex and painful phenomenon: the assignment of roles to children.

In every family, children assume certain roles based on their personality traits. A role can refer to a personal or social identity such as a child, wife, doctor or contractor. But psychological roles are different and often stem from the way a parent interprets a specific trait and labels the child accordingly such as “the sporty one,” “the funny one,” “the victim,” “the angry one,” etc. Even in healthy families, these labels can be limiting and harmful.

Parents with narcissistic traits tend to assign much more rigid, damaging roles, as a way to maintain control over their children, even after they become adults, marry, and have children of their own. These parents often see their children as extensions of themselves and struggle to acknowledge their child's individuality. For example, a child may be forced to attend only the schools the parent approves of- regardless of the child’s experience- due to concerns about image, social standing, or future matchmaking prospects.

Such parents cannot tolerate criticism from their children and do not view parenting as a chance for personal growth, but rather as a tool for domination. Sadly, some even derive excitement from their controlling behavior, experiencing a sense of power or vitality from their manipulation. They may intrude on their married children's lives in attempts to control them further, which prevents children from developing their own identities and forming healthy relationships.

While it's true that certain personality traits might incline a child toward being seen a certain way, this does not justify assigning of roles. In many cases, the child internalizes the role and mistakenly believes that this label reflects who they truly are. Often, these roles are unconscious projections by the parent, who attributes parts of themselves onto the child. (We discussed the concept of projection in a previous article.)

Let’s look at some common roles:

The Scapegoat

The scapegoat is the child seen as the “bad one.” This child becomes the target for the parent’s own failures and frustrations- the one who “never listens” or always “gets into trouble.” Tragically, this child may begin to self-destruct, without understanding why, internalizing a belief that something is wrong with them. Ironically, many scapegoat children are naturally curious, opinionated, and intuitive- qualities which can be threatening to a narcissistic parent, who often devalues the child’s needs and belittles anything that challenges their authority. Scapegoats grow up feeling isolated and often replicate this dynamic in other areas of life.

The Golden Child (The “Diamond”)

The golden child is the one who excels and pleases the parent. Everything they do is seen as perfect, or if not perfect, their flaws are explained away: “She didn’t sleep well last night” or “He’s under a lot of pressure". The narcissistic parent projects their ideal self onto this child and sees their own worth reflected through them. The golden child is praised and favored, and often becomes the parent’s emotional partner- a surrogate spouse.

This child lives in a gilded cage. They may not feel free to question the parent, and though they may occasionally express criticism, the parent will often accommodate them, out of fear of losing their "diamond." These children often develop narcissistic traits themselves, driven by perfectionism, rigidity, anxiety and a deep need to please.

Sadly, golden children struggle to shake off their role. It feels good to be admired, even if it’s based on an illusion. In homes like these, there is rarely room for more than one “successful” child.

The Invisible Child

This child is like air- present, but unnoticed. Their opinions aren’t asked, their schedule isn’t considered, and their desires don’t matter. They are expected to comply, while being spoken to in impatient or dismissive tones.

If they try to voice their opinion for example during a family decision, they are often ignored. They might even need to raise their voice just to be heard, only to be dismissed once again.

If the invisible child chooses not to attend a family event, suddenly their absence is noticed, and resented. “How dare they not show up?” the parent may ask. Or worse: “We missed you so much”- but only because they had no one else to ignore. These children often grow up feeling powerless, overlooked, and painfully alone- "unnecessary, yet indispensable."

In our next article, we will explore additional roles children may be assigned in narcissistic family systems.

Dr. Ada Michal Weinstein is a certified psychodrama therapist, specializing in narcissism and working, among other things, with victims of narcissists..