Understanding Projection and Its Connection to Narcissism

Following our previous articles, in order to understand the roles narcissistic parents assign to their children, we must explain the concept of projection.

Projection is a mechanism of the psyche found in every person. Its main purpose is to serve situations related to beginnings, such as for a newborn baby, the start of a major life change or entering a new environment, etc.

We all use projection, and it happens unconsciously.

How does it work?

When a baby is born, they need to learn a tremendous amount about the new world they've entered. They are bombarded with stimuli and unfamiliar information.

To avoid psychological overload, and to help the baby internalize and learn as much as possible about themselves and the world, the psyche begins organizing and categorizing information.

The baby is completely dependent on the caregiver (typically the mother) and cannot yet speak or express their needs. The baby feels various bodily experiences such as warmth, cold, hunger, pleasure, etc. but doesn’t understand their experience.

Some sensations evoke fear and anxiety, while others are pleasurable and fulfilling. The baby requires the parent’s emotional mediation to understand these feelings, which takes place through responses to both physical and emotional needs, such as a loving hug or soothing speech.

G-d created human beings in a miraculous way: we learn and absorb language, and through that, we begin to connect events and emotions internally. This creates meaning and a sense of self.

For example, when a baby is hungry, they feel distress, but they don’t think to themselves, “I’m hungry. I’ll ask Mommy for food". Instead, they cry. Their psyche projects the sense of distress onto the mother, activating her emotional sensors. She then feels the distress within herself, attempts to understand the baby, and provides a response to soothe them, perhaps by asking, “My sweetie, what’s wrong? Are you hungry? Need a diaper change? Are you cold?”.

Naturally, a mother will speak to a baby in the special tone that babies bring out in us, until she identifies the source of discomfort (let’s say hunger), feeds the baby, and soothes him.

This projection of distress onto the mother is a survival mechanism of the psyche and happens unconsciously. The mother doesn’t realize the baby's distress was "projected" onto her- she simply experiences the urgency as if it were her own. It may even trigger her own deep-seated discomfort, but initially it simply awakens her responsiveness to the baby's needs.

As adults, we still use projection, especially in new situations, when we haven't yet processed everything and need to make room within ourselves for new information.

We see this, for example, with individuals who are newly religious. In the beginning, they often experience a kind of internal split between who they were and the new values they’re adopting. For this reason, many start out more extreme, but over time, once they’ve integrated and processed the new information, there's no longer a need for splitting. Their old and new identities merge, forming a more balanced and flexible sense of self.

Not everyone succeeds in this developmental process. Some remain stuck in the split, and it manifests as emotional and psychological rigidity. The more emotionally integrated and flexible we are, the better we can handle tension and inner conflict.

Due to unresolved childhood trauma, those with narcissistic traits remain stuck in this early projection mechanism and never develop beyond it. Their psyche constantly relies on projection.

How do you know if you've experienced a projection?

After interacting with such a person, you may often feel small, devalued, that you're worthless, or any other emotion that shrinks you. You'll feel it deeply, as if it’s really true, even if you rationally know it isn’t. You may have entered the conversation feeling fine but left feeling awful.

In such a situation, take a deep breath and try to calm yourself.
Talk to someone you trust. Remind yourself who you are, and engage in activities that strengthen and uplift you.

Understand that the narcissist has projected their own unprocessed internal feelings onto you- feelings they’re disconnected from and refuse to acknowledge. They're stuck in a psychological split, disconnected from their weaknesses.

It’s essential that we learn to face our limitations and less flattering parts. That’s how we develop a mature, resilient, and flexible inner world. This is the true work of refining our character, and ultimately brings real joy and authentic connection to G-d and to our true selves, which is our G-dly spark.

In the next article, we'll explore the specific roles narcissistic parents assign to their children, and you’ll understand how projection is at the root of it all.

Dr. Ada Michal Weinstock is a certified psychodrama therapist specializing in narcissism and also works with victims of narcissists.