Is It Possible to Live Without Stress and Worry?

If you had asked me in the past whether it’s possible to live without stress and worries, I would’ve likely answered in one of two ways:

Either I’d say, “Yes, but only in a monastery in the mountains of Bhutan”- outside the real world, free from financial concerns, without a spouse or children, and far from conflict zones (did someone say Israel?).

Or I’d say, “No, it's not possible.”

The idea of living without stress and worry within real life once seemed totally unrealistic to me. That might be one of the reasons I, along with tens of thousands of other Israelis, set off on long trips to the East or South America, to get away from the pressure. But eventually, I discovered that stress follows us wherever we go. Even if we can reduce stress temporarily by distancing ourselves from its triggers, it will ultimately return- unless we address the internal causes tied to stress and worry.

What Is Stress, Really?

Richard Lazarus, one of the leading researchers on stress, defines it as follows: “A situation in which perceived demands exceed the person’s perceived resources, and failure to meet those demands could lead to harm.”

In simpler terms, stress is first and foremost a matter of perception. This means that stress isn’t entirely objective but is shaped by our awareness and personal experience- not necessarily by external reality.

Stress reflects a perceived gap between what is expected of me and what I believe I am capable of handling. According to Lazarus, stress arises when I perceive a mismatch between the demands placed on me and the resources (internal or external) that I believe I have.

Imagine you need to cook dinner, but you only have a few basic ingredients at home and don't feel very skilled in the kitchen. If this dinner feels important because you are hosting guests for example, your stress level is likely to spike.

What if you look in the pantry and find a can of Italian chopped tomatoes, a good bottle of olive oil, and a few other ingredients you've used before to make a sauce that everyone loved? Suddenly, your sense of resourcefullness increases, and the stress diminishes.

The key insight here is that the gap is perceived, not necessarily real. And that understanding is the key to real change.

Do We Really Work Better Under Pressure?

Some people say they perform better under pressure. That may be true, but even they, I imagine, would prefer to choose when and where they feel pressure, and how intense it is.

Stress is often connected to fear. When we’re afraid of something, that fear often presents itself as stress- if you scratch beneath the surface of stress, you’ll usually find fear. A significant factor that intensifies both stress and fear is helplessness. When someone feels that they have no effective response to a situation, but are still expected to handle it, stress kicks in.

Faith vs. “It’s All on Me”

Judaism describes a dynamic often referred to as “kochi ve’otzem yadi” (“my strength and the power of my hand”) which is the belief that I am solely responsible for everything.

The more a person lives with this mindset, the more exposed they are to stress. On the other hand, the more one develops faith- a deep-rooted belief that not everything is under their control- the more likely they are to experience a life free of constant worry and pressure.

Of course, some stress comes from external realities. A mother whose baby wakes up every few hours at night will naturally feel exhausted and stressed. Her partner can help ease the burden, but that alone may not be enough.

Even if we can’t change external circumstances, we can always work on our internal responses- on how we perceive stress and how we react to it.

For example, that same tired mother might reduce her stress by accepting that this is a blessed (albeit exhausting) period in her and her baby’s life, a time that won’t return. She could also ease pressure by adjusting her expectations of herself during this stage.

It is often much easier to shift our perspective than to change an external situation we are unable to control.

The First Step: Recognize the Distortion

The first step is to identify our perceptual errors and to pinpoint where we’ve misunderstood or misjudged a situation. We can then begin to internalize a new understanding- that maybe things aren’t how we mistakenly perceived them, and that the world may actually look very different than we thought.

Once we accept this mentally and intellectually, it begins to impact the way we think. When that shift reaches us emotionally, we can then truly begin to relax and live a calmer, more peaceful life.

From Ran Weber's new book, "Live the Day." To purchase, visit Hidavrut Shops or call: 073-222-125